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1:11 pm - Mon 7.26.2010 It just struck me: I don't need everything in my life to have deep meaning...but it would be nice if something did. Just talked to Dr W. a few minutes ago... I'm going to go in and pee in a cup one more time, because a "trace of blood in the urine" can be the result of dehydration (And that's certainly possible in this case; I was supposed to fast for 12 hours before my physical, and I did...but I don't think I drank anything either). While I had him on the phone, I asked the Dr. about writing a note okaying my weight at 200 lbs, and he was fine with that. (A reminder: 195 lbs is the top of my "healthy weight range", as determined by WW; anything above that requires a doctor's note.) Getting a doctor's note telling WW that they need to make an exception in my case feels kinda lame, and I'm a little worried I'm "opening Pandora's Box" - will 200 lbs simply become the new weight I'll have a hard time staying at? - but I don't think this is really a momentous thing one-way-or-the-other (Besides, I like that "round number" of 200 lbs - That was the goal I had in mind when I started WW). (This little section was going to be all about my frustration over how I still didn't have my bike back, and "Why is it taking so long?" and all that - But I just called, and it's finished, and I can pick it up anytime...so never mind.) The San Diego Comic-Con just finished up this weekend. I've never been to Comic-Con (or any comic book convention, for that matter), and I think I'd enjoy it - Especially since it's not just about comic books anymore, but also genre tv shows and movies and the like - but I've never felt like I could afford to go, let alone spend the money I'd want to spend at a place that's all about...well, basically all about everything I like. So why am I writing about this? I guess because I would like it if my fortunes improved enough that I could go to Comic-Con some day, and spend a couple hundred dollars on pop culture. It's a small dream...but a dream nevertheless. I'm not completely happy with something I wrote in my last entry... It was that stuff about feeling bad (emotionally), but not taking it too seriously, cause I'd previously been thinking about the world ending, which put merely feeling "out-of-sorts" into perspective (And something else about it not being "my first time at the rodeo", and how feeling depressed and anxious "wasn't going to kill me...at least not yet"). While I think there's some benefit to having "perspective" about your upsets - Most of the time, it's really not "the end of the world" - and to having lived long enough to know that you're not going to be depressed/anxious/upset forever, I think what I wrote comes perilously close to acceptance of an unacceptable situation (which is "I feel bad a lot of the time"). I don't think just "settling in" to a life of loneliness and fear and depression is acceptable. I don't think it's fair to me as a person, I don't think it's helpful to me as a writer, and for that matter, I don't think it does you guys any favors (However many of "You guys" are still there); I've gotta believe that it's much more interesting to read about someone who wrestles with his emotional demons than someone who just says "Oh well - I guess that's just my 'lot in life'...!". Well, I actually feel full of stuff to write about, but if I did that, I wouldn't be getting my bike from the bike shop (Which I want to do, because I want to ride it to group tonite. And yes, for now at least, I'm still going to group).
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