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12:06 am - Saturday, Jan. 05, 2002 9:40 pm Had my audition earlier this evening... It went quite a bit less well than I might have hoped. In short, I blew it; It's VERY doubtful I'll be doing theater in Texas this year ( And I found out, at the audition, that they have a touring company that operates in the months before the summer season. So I had a chance at being a real live actor for six months, if I'd gotten cast for both companies ). How bad WAS it, you're wondering? Well, on the "plus" side, I didn't stop in the middle, burst into tears, and flee the theater. I didn't throw up on the director. The police were not called in, and no one was killed or injured. But all that aside? It was pretty bad; I bobbled words, felt myself reaching for lines I've done God knows how many times, and realized, way too late at that point, that the thing I really hadn't done enough was to work the pieces AS an audition. That probably sounds like an insanely obvious thing--You memorize the pieces, go over them to make sure you know what you want to do with them, then do them together, along with your song, as one complete audition "piece". You do them again and again and again, till you're sick of them...then you do them a couple more times--but what can I say? Obviously, I've been doing this most of my life, but seem to have missed a few tricks along the way. Somehow, I got the "memorizing" part down, and I felt confident that I knew what I was saying and why I was saying it, but I didn't do ENOUGH, and that bugs the fuck out of me, because I know better. Simply memorizing some lines isn't enough. I KNOW better. If I'd been sufficiently prepared, I would have been empowered by my nervous energy, and not debilitated by it. I talked myself into thinking I'd done "enough" and was going to go in like gangbusters--or at least be able to walk out knowing I'd "done my best"--but I walked in there with those monologues in my HEAD, but not in my GUT. And I didn't even have them in my HEAD as well as I THOUGHT I did. All that talk about how ready I was, how I wasn't going to go in and SABOTAGE myself. And I WASN'T ready, and I had all the time in the world to BE ready, so what is that if NOT "sabotage"? "Gee, if I'd really been PREPARED..." I didn't think this audition through; When you're doing the actual audition, it's a bad time to realize you don't really know HOW to perform a soliloquy; I'd been doing it basically as an extended "aside" to the audience, when I should have been just "talking to myself" ( I started out looking at the director, then realized I wasn't supposed to do that, and my focus went out the window. I heard myself just doing lines, and not even doing THAT very well. So my future advice to myself for other auditions of this kind would be, "Pick a fucking spot to FOCUS on, Jim! OKAY?" ). At least with the "Julius Caesar", I was supposed to be talking to another character, which helped, but even then, I fucked it up--I skipped a line, and heard myself do it, but couldn't figure out any way to pick it back up without having the whole thing become more of a train wreck. Simple stuff. Think things through, from how you're getting to the audition site, to what you have to bring ( I forgot my fucking harmonica, the ONE thing that would have made me really stand out amongst the actors showing up), to how you're going to get your head in the right place to go in and do your best. Simple stuff, stuff that I'm too smart and too talented to just fuck up. I know me. I know me as a person, and I know me as an actor. And I'm really disappointed in the actor AND the person right now. The idea that I don't know what it takes to do a successful audition is just insane. How long have I been DOING this shit, anyway? One bright spot--I could tell he ( "He" being Raymond Caldwell, the artistic director of the theater ) got a kick out of the song--so maybe he'll see that there's SOMETHING there...but it's a real LONG shot. I blew it. Not for the first time, either--By my count, that's the THIRD audition here where I bit the big one. "Houston, we have a problem..." ************************************************* (The above little "line of demarcation" usually is there to indicate some time has passed between what was last written and what's ABOUT to written. But here...I don't know. It just seemed like the thing to do. ) I went to bed around 1:30 last night, and woke up shortly around 7:30. Was feeling pretty gaggy for awhile there, so I lounged around in bed--I wonder why gagging a little bit make me feel so unable to function?--until shortly before 10:00, when I turned on the tv to watch "The View" ( I like the first part, where they have their little "coffee klatsch", and talk to a celebrity or two. After that, they typically go to some segment of no inherent interest to me--"Fashions For Your Pet" or some such nonsense--and I turn the tv off and go about my day ). I'm mad at myself. Why didn't I go to bed earlier last night? Why didn't I make more of an effort to get some rest? Why didn't I EAT? ( Prior to the audition, all I had was a lowfat yogurt and a handful of crackers. Good thinking, Jim--Go into the audition tired AND hungry. Very SMART). Why did I count on Cary to give me directions from the North Hollywood metro station to the Beverly Garland theater,where the audition was being held, instead of making sure I knew where it was MYSELF? Once again, I had all the time in the world to get my shit together on this ( Cary said Lankershim was going to be the street right in front of me as I exited the Metro station, and that I would go right on Lankershim, then right on Ventura to Vineland; Lankershim is actually on the RIGHT as you exit the station--the street in front of you as you exit the metro station is Chandler, or something like that--you have to go LEFT on Lankershim, and I hit Vineland before I EVER saw Ventura. But I don't blame Cary--After all, I'M the one who had an audition to get to today. I could have printed up directions on Mapquest, or even just looked at a fucking map MYSELF). I obviously need to "turn things up a notch"--maybe two or THREE notches--in terms of my audition technique and preperation. I need to ACT. And by that, I mean that I need to act because I need to do it for ME, and I also need to act because I'm not becoming a better actor by NOT acting. I need to remember that this is FUN, this acting thing I want to do. I need to remember that I'm really good at it, when I let myself be. I need to get out of my own fucking way. (END) Well, where are we NOW? Now we're back to figuring out how we're going to get new wheels. Now we're back to figuring out how we're going to start gaining some career momentum here in Tinseltown. Now we're back to figuring out how to make life more meaningful and enjoyable, day to day AND in regards to pursuing career goals. While I'm VERY disappointed in today's audition--How could I have SUCKED so bad?--At least I motivated myself to read the plays they were doing, learn monologues, and get myself to the audition. That's not fucking ENOUGH, by any stretch of the imagination, but it's better than laying in bed watching tv. At least I did SOMETHING... (I actually wrote it on my calendar today, after the fact. I think it's a good idea to write these things down. Not because I need to in order to remember them--I'm not going to forget I have an AUDITION--but to be able to look and see what I'm doing, or NOT doing, to realize my goals.) I don't feel like there's anything I'm doing very WELL these days. That's not a very good feeling to have... Apropos of nothing, I'm going to now list, best I can, all the places I've lived in my life (This was something I was thinking about yesterday): 1. Martinsburg, W.VA 2. Paw Paw, W.VA 3. Berkely Springs, W.VA (There was another town in W.VA, but I don't remember the name of it. Weird, since I think I lived there at least the better part of a year.) 4. Durand, MI 5. Lawrenceville, GA 6. Snellville, GA 7. Lansing, MI 8. Alpena, MI 9. Galveston, TX 10. Houston, TX 11. Atlanta, GA 11. Liberty, NY 12. South Fallsburg, NY 13. Miami, Fl (Is that the correct abbreviation for Florida?) 14. Miami Beach, Fl 15. Los Angeles, CA At least two moves in Martinsburg. Two moves in Durand. Four seasons of doing theater in Alpena. At least a half dozen moves in Lansing that I can think of just off the top of my head. A lot of moving. A lot of different places. A lot of different people, different experiences. All leading up to THIS... (I think I wanted that to MEAN something, but if it does mean anything, it's eluding me at present, so I'm going to go to bed. Goodnite.)
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