7:06 am - Sun 4/27/03
Sleep-Writing

SAT 4/26/03 (Offline)

(My first effort on Corel WordPerfect, the word processor on my new computer...)

Had another audition earlier today. This one was for Ruby Tuesdays.

When I saw the copy, I assumed I was "Spokesguy", but sadly, I was not; I was playing the far less glamorous role of "Customer" (JS hadn't told me, or else I had conveniently forgotten).

But on the good side, my one line was easy to remember--"No" (Being "a quick study" like I am, I didn't even need to look at the cue card when the time came).

(Basically, the "Spokesguy" starts the spot saying "We've been trying to make commercials that are as good as our food, and from the looks of things, we're succeeding". But when he "interviews" people coming into the restaurant, no one's actually seen any commercials; they're coming in cause the food's so darned good.)

There was one guy who also thought he'd come in to read the "Spokesguy", but unlike Yours Truly, who got over his disappointment very quickly, this guy was quite put-out by the whole thing. One of the casting people told him what he was reading for before we went into the room�we were in the same group�but when we got inside, he acted as if he still didn't know what was what, and had to be told again, by another casting person, that he was not the "Spokesguy" (He was playing the male half of a "Couple"). His disappointment then curdled into very obvious irritation, I guess over "the injustice of it all".

Afterwards, the actress who'd played the female half of the "Couple" expressed some irritation of her own over "Irritated Guy" (We were walking in the same direction for a couple blocks), to the effect of "Why would you come out for these things if you obviously don't want to be there?".

When I suggested he was disappointed because he thought he'd be reading for the "Spokesguy", she said something like "If he got the gig, and made $20,000, he'd probably get over it".

She makes an excellent point.

I understand how the guy felt, because I felt it too (Though I didn't act like a spoiled child about it). As of Monday, I'll have gone out on 30 commercial auditions, and sure, there are some you want to get more than others. You're an actor, after all, and you'd like the chance to do something that shows you're more than just a warm body. It would be nice to get something that shows you off, something that might get noticed, something you can tell your friends about. Something that feels good to do.

But I think the attitude to take with this stuff is that "It's all good", as the kids say; you're either getting a chance to act for money, or else you're getting the chance to make thousands of dollars for essentially doing nothing (When I think about it that way, I'm kinda tickled at the idea of making a potful of money just for saying "no" on camera).

Crap...time for work (Starting to get annoyed at how work cuts into what would otherwise be quality "Diaryland" time).

Up earlier than I'd like to be...again.

More often than not, I wake up in the morning sometime before 7 am, in spite of the fact that the very earliest I ever get to bed is between 1-2 am (On Fridays and Saturdays, I don't get home from work till around 1:15 am. And until just a few weeks ago, it used to be a half-hour later than that).

Now far as far as I know, consistently waking up too early is not a symptom of sleep apnea, so I've been thinking one problem might be that it gets too light in my apartment (I don't have curtains, just venetian blinds). SO, not having money for curtains, I bought a "sleep mask" on my last day off (It feels embarrassingly "Frasier Crane-ish" to me, but "any port in a storm" and all that).

So far, I haven't noticed any difference. Well, actually there has been a difference; my sleep over the past couple nights has been even worse; I've woken up a number of times through the night for the past three nights now (That's another "issue" for me; To a greater or lesser extent on any given night--Depending on who-knows-what circumstance--I just "wake up" throughout the night. Not the "mini-awakenings" associated with sleep apnea, but full-blown, "Why Am I Awake When I Just Went To Bed An Hour And A Half Ago?" awakenings).

It's frustrating as hell...what part of this problem is "sleep apnea" and what's "insomnia"? What's physical, what's mental/emotional, and what's just "bad sleep hygiene"?

In short, what the hell do I have to do to just get some sleep...?

Two more auditions tomorrow, another one for Ruby Tuesdays (At a different casting agency), and another for Coke.

(Getting a Coke commercial would be pretty cool...)

Hoping to get a call for Yahoo soon, not to mention a callback for the Rugrats spot (The Rugrats callback would be on Tuesday, if it happens).

I've been left a little confused by the Rugrats thing; The casting person sure made it sound like he wanted me back, but wouldn't they confirm that with my agent? I'm pretty sure that would be the case--I'd expect them to at least call JS with an appointment time--but I'm just paranoid enough that I'm afraid I'll wait to get a confirmation call from JS that'll never come (On the other hand, if I call the casting agency directly, and they've decided not to call me back for whatever reason, I run the risk of looking amateurish, and maybe annoying them in the process. But anyway...).

Have I mentioned lately that I'd really like to get one of these things...?

Got a package in the mail yesterday from the "Reading by 9" people.

I was expecting maybe a padded envelope with five bookmarks and a handful of stickers, but they really went to town; They sent a box, maybe 10"x12"x8", full of goodies--four packages of bookmarks, a big stack of various stickers, pencil boxes (With a pencil, crayons, and a ruler enclosed), and maybe a half-dozen Dr Seuss books.

I was quite pleased.

Day before yesterday, on the way to work, I had a very happy thought; No matter what happens from here on out, no one will be able to say I didn't try.

Maybe two weeks ago now, I was at work, looking at a new book by Douglas Rushkoff called Nothing Sacred, and I came across something that really spoke to me...

I just opened the book to the middle somewhere, and I saw a reference to "negative theology".

If I understood it correctly, it refers to the idea that "God" is so immense, so beyond anything we can ever hope to know or understand, that for our purposes there almost might as well not be a "God".

This idea "spoke" to me because even as a young person, I had a problem with the idea that the "God" I was presented with early on was just too...human. An all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, Alpha and Omega "God" would be "jealous", or "angry", or "loving"? Would need me to worship him, would need me to be grateful for his love? (Or for that matter, would be "gender specific")? Would punish me with eternal torment if I was "bad"? Would, essentially, be a rather mercurial human, just on an immense scale?

Give me a break...!

We don't know what "God" is. We can't know. I don't think we can know if we're even anywhere in the ballpark (But with our limited understanding, it doesn't seem likely).

So, what's the point of "God" if we can't really know or have a "relationship" with he/she/it/whatever?

I think a God that's too immense to ever understand leaves us thinking about our lives and behavior, and the meaning of being alive, all through our lives.

Knowing that we don't know, that "God" is an unsolvable mystery, leaves our hearts and minds open.

And it kicks it back to us. There's not some pie-in-the-sky "God" that's going to ride in and save us. There might be a "plan", there might not be. We don't know. So we're going to have to be "God" for ourselves, and for each other.

And if "God" is beyond our understanding, we can get over the idea that "my God is better than your God". If, for all I know, you have just as good an idea about "God" as I do, I don't need to change you or kill you for not believing like I do. We're both wrong...and we're both right

Another "issue" for me was the "carrot-and-stick" aspect of "Heaven" and "Hell"; When I was a kid, and I was wrestling with Christianity, one my biggest problems was the feeling that I didn't "love" God; I was just afraid of going to Hell.

(Okay, this is a pretty funny/scary coincidence; I just started hearing a flute/recorder somewhere off in the distance playing "Amazing Grace". I'm totally serious...)

(Okay...it stopped. I think I'm safe to blaspheme again.)

I like the idea of "Heaven" and "Hell" taken out of my personal equation. I like the idea of trying to do the right thing and not do wrong/bad things because that's the way I want to behave, because that's what I think is right, and not because I'll get a "Scooby-Snack" when I die if I've been a good boy here on Earth.

That's about the biggest thought I've been thinking lately.

But now, I think I'm going to hit the sack (I'm taking a personal day today, in order to see Mark B. in a show he wrote later this evening). I want to lie down for a bit, then I need to get up, do some laundry, get some headshots in the mail, read over my stuff for the kids tomorrow, etc and so on).

Nighty-nite...

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