12:34 pm - Sat 8/17/02
(The first part of this is a Buddhist quote Jane sent me in an e-mail, and my response.)
"When the ear hears, observe the mind. Does it get caught up and make a story out of the sound? Is it disturbed? You can know this, stay with it, be aware. At times you may want to escape from the sounds, but that is not the way out. You must escape through awareness."
I actually think about this a lot, in terms of when I feel tired and physically out-of-sorts. I often "make a story out of the sound" of my fatigue and discomfort. I know that was the case at work this past week; For whatever reason, I was particularly tired, and with a couple people away at vacation and whatnot, it was a bad time to be "particularly tired", since slack was having to be picked up.
I had to tell myself over and over, "You're just tired. You're still the guy with a new bike. You're still the guy who's in a show (Though it remains to be seen whether I'm actually in a show or not at this point!). You're just tired, and a little stressed. It's not a major crisis".
I'm prone to making things a crisis, when in actuality, the worst they are is annoying. And that has a bad effect on my psyche, because then anxiety crops up; I think "What will I do if/when something really bad does happen? I have a hard enough time handling things as they are..." (Of course, if/when something really bad happens, I'll go to pieces for a time, then I'll deal with it).
I was thinking the other day that what I need is to find a way, not to dismiss my bad feelings or try to ignore them, cause that doesn't work for me, but to acknowledge them, without letting them run the show. I think being either "Gloom and Doom Guy" OR "Everything's Just Great All The Time Guy" wouldn't feel "real" to me (Though my plan is to move more away from the former and towards the latter).
Thought I was going to have my first Corpus Christi rehearsal last night, but it didn't happen.
So, here's what has happened so far...
I auditioned for the show on the 2nd of this month. The director told me he wanted me in the show that night.
Five days later, I got a message on my voicemail from "Erika"--not the director, just someone from the Coleman--saying only that I needed to set up a time with her to drop off a couple headshots, and fill out some paperwork (We played a little phone tag, but finally reached each other, and made an appointment for this past Wednesday at 12:30).
I told Erika that I work nights, and that the weekly schedule goes up on Wednesday for the following week (In other words, I need some notice about rehearsals). She said that would be worked out at the first rehearsal.
On Wednesday, there was a screw up; I went to the theater for our "appointment", when she meant for me to meet her at the office on Sunset, where the audition had taken place (In my defense, the audition was the first time I'd done anything with this theater that wasn't at the theater, including my audition for Crossing The Line. I thought they were using the space on Sunset because the theater was being used for rehearsal or something. Though logically, where did I think they did office stuff? The theater is a tiny, store-front operation that barely has space for a stage and seats, let alone dressing rooms, an office, etc. But anyway...).
I got in touch with Erika, explained my mistake, and rescheduled my appointment (Next Wednesday, same time...at the office).
Since she thought there was going to be a "tentative" rehearsal schedule available on Wednesday, I asked her if things were on for Friday. She said she thought they were, probably for 7:00 pm, but that someone would call me to "confirm".
No one did. I called in the early afternoon Friday, but no one ever got back to me.
I wouldn't say it "ruined my day"--It really didn't--but it did "mess with it" a bit.
In the latter part of afternoon, I finally said "Hell with it! I'm going out to play!"; I decided to check out the theaters along Wilshire and see if anything good was playing, then if not, maybe take a leisurely bike ride to Santa Monica.
I didn't get as far as the theaters before I started to feel anxious; I thought it would be really lame of them to call a couple hours before a rehearsal to say rehearsal was on, but I couldn't rule it out, and I knew I'd feel guilty and defensive if I missed it, even if they were in the wrong.
So I turned around, stopping first at Subway for a bite, then at Hollywood video (Where I rented You Can Count On Me), then I went home.
There was no call.
So it's now been over two weeks since this got started, and I don't know anything more than I knew after the audition that night.
I'm a little frustipated...
I did my laundry yesterday (I usually hold off till today, but I was totally out of clean pants, and while I can wear dirty clothes if I'm just bumming around on my day off, cause I'm a pig, I thought I'd better have something clean if there was going to be a rehearsal last night). So I don't really have anything I have to do today but go to the grocery store...but I'm having a hard time motor-vating myself to even do that one thing.
My big "issue" these days? I am tired, tired, tired. And as I suggested earlier in this entry, it's hard for me not to be deafened by the sound of my extreme, overwhelming fatigue
Still can't make the CPAP thing happen, but over and above that, which should just mean that I'm tired like I always am, I have been even more tired in the past week or two. Tired as in "I don't really want to go anywhere or do anything". I don't know what the deal is--I don't think I'm sick, or doing anything any differently--but there we are.
But I'm still not treating the CPAP like something I'm serious about, like something I really believe can help me at this point; I put it on at night, but I end up taking if off, I'm guessing pretty quickly after I go to to sleep (When I wake up, usually earlier in the morning than I want to be up, I put it back on, but at that point, I seem to essentially be "up"; I might doze a bit, but it doesn't feel like I'm getting any more good sleep).
I have to set my alarm to get me up at some point during the night, but I haven't been doing that, because the one time I tried it, I felt like I was basically up the rest of the night, and felt like crap the next day (Actually, it's not strictly true that I've never tried it again; A couple times I tried it, and either set the alarm wrong, or slept through the alarm, which seems unlikely, but who knows?).
But barring surgery, I don't know what else to do. This is a huge problem for me, and I absolutely have to figure this out. Cause it's really messing my life up. I want to "be all I can be", and that just ain't happening, and I think the fact that I'm spending my days in a sleepy fog is part of the reason why.
Well, I want to write about some more stuff, but I have to get those groceries, and try to get some more rest before work today (I don't want to have another week like last week at work. It was very not fun).
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