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- If I don�t write something in here right away, often �the moment passes�, and I never write about it at all; it becomes �old news�, other things take precedence, what have you. And that�s too bad, because sometimes those things that slip by, that slip away, are things I really need to hold on to. Early this month, when I paid my December rent, it hit me - �That was my last bill of 2007...�. And that was a good feeling, because it meant I�d gotten through the entire year, and was able to pay my bills without stressing out, without having to borrow money from anyone, and primarily through my income as an actor (The way I saw it this year was that ArcLight basically paid the rent - sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less - while acting paid for pretty much everything else, with money to spare). I was even able to pay my friends back at least some of what I owe them, and do some nice things for myself. Within days after that realization, and the resulting good feeling, life marched on, next month�s bills started coming in, and that good feeling slipped away, replaced by anxiety about 2008 (With the WGA strike at an impasse, and SAG�s contract expiring in June, it�s been hard not to give in to my most fearful imaginings, of a year basically over before it�s begun). And that�s a damned shame, because as arbitrary as it may be, in the past I�ve always felt hopeful about the New Year, and the hope for better days ahead. But for a few days, looking at the year which is now pretty much behind me, I felt some small measure of success. I felt happy with something I�d accomplished, something that was meaningful to me. And that�s important to get in here, both in terms of my communicating with you, the reader (Being �honest� in here - which is an ongoing goal of mine - shouldn�t just mean being honest about being unhappy), and, more importantly, in terms of communicating with myself. This seems odd to bring up right now, considering I just wrote about my anxieties about the coming year, but I�m strongely considering quitting ArcLight. I almost quit impulsively the night I had that conversation with Ray (One of the ArcLight managers). Even the next day, I took my time card with me to 24 Hour Fitness when I went to work out, thinking I might go to ArcLight afterwards, turn it in with my resignation, and pick up my final paycheck. And I�ve decided not to decide, at least not until I get my bonus (I�ve put the time in, so it would be stupid to quit a week or two before getting one of ArcLight�s few benefits that means anything to me). This isn�t something that�s going to be hashed out in one journal entry, but I don�t want to be there anymore. And it�s not just ArcLight. I�m tired of shit jobs that make me feel small and stupid, that have little or no meaning to me, that make me feel like I�m dying by degrees. So I�m doing a lot of thinking. I�m thinking about the money I currently have in the bank. I�m thinking about what I can live with, and what I can live without. I�m thinking about potential rewards, and I�m thinking about potential costs. I�m thinking about who I am, and who I want to be. And I�m wondering if what I�m contemplating is the height of stupidity, or the most courageous thing I�ve considering doing since I first moved out here. (To be continued...)
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