If I donít write something in here right away, often ďthe moment passesĒ, and I never write about it at all; it becomes ďold newsĒ, other things take precedence, what have you.
And thatís too bad, because sometimes those things that slip by, that slip away, are things I really need to hold on to.
Early this month, when I paid my December rent, it hit me - ďThat was my last bill of 2007...Ē. And that was a good feeling, because it meant Iíd gotten through the entire year, and was able to pay my bills without stressing out, without having to borrow money from anyone, and primarily through my income as an actor (The way I saw it this year was that ArcLight basically paid the rent - sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less - while acting paid for pretty much everything else, with money to spare). I was even able to pay my friends back at least some of what I owe them, and do some nice things for myself.
Within days after that realization, and the resulting good feeling, life marched on, next monthís bills started coming in, and that good feeling slipped away, replaced by anxiety about 2008 (With the WGA strike at an impasse, and SAGís contract expiring in June, itís been hard not to give in to my most fearful imaginings, of a year basically over before itís begun). And thatís a damned shame, because as arbitrary as it may be, in the past Iíve always felt hopeful about the New Year, and the hope for better days ahead.
But for a few days, looking at the year which is now pretty much behind me, I felt some small measure of success. I felt happy with something Iíd accomplished, something that was meaningful to me. And thatís important to get in here, both in terms of my communicating with you, the reader (Being ďhonestĒ in here - which is an ongoing goal of mine - shouldnít just mean being honest about being unhappy), and, more importantly, in terms of communicating with myself.
This seems odd to bring up right now, considering I just wrote about my anxieties about the coming year, but Iím strongely considering quitting ArcLight.
I almost quit impulsively the night I had that conversation with Ray (One of the ArcLight managers). Even the next day, I took my time card with me to 24 Hour Fitness when I went to work out, thinking I might go to ArcLight afterwards, turn it in with my resignation, and pick up my final paycheck.
And Iíve decided not to decide, at least not until I get my bonus (Iíve put the time in, so it would be stupid to quit a week or two before getting one of ArcLightís few benefits that means anything to me).
This isnít something thatís going to be hashed out in one journal entry, but I donít want to be there anymore.
And itís not just ArcLight. Iím tired of shit jobs that make me feel small and stupid, that have little or no meaning to me, that make me feel like Iím dying by degrees.
So Iím doing a lot of thinking. Iím thinking about the money I currently have in the bank. Iím thinking about what I can live with, and what I can live without. Iím thinking about potential rewards, and Iím thinking about potential costs. Iím thinking about who I am, and who I want to be.
And Iím wondering if what Iím contemplating is the height of stupidity, or the most courageous thing Iíve considering doing since I first moved out here.
(To be continued...)
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