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10:29 PM - Mon 4.27.15
The Easiest To Do And The Hardest To Get

The Easiest To Do And The Hardest To Get

I just re-read my last entry...

Even while writing it, I knew it was, basically, an entry I've written before, practically verbatim (I'm talking about the stuff about not being attached to specific outcomes, "Because I don't know the best possible thing that could happen, I only think I do", etc).

But journal-fan-and-now-friend Josh M. told me, some time back, that the repetition in here didn't bother him, because he saw that repetition as a "theme" in my (ongoing) life story.

(I don't think he said exactly that...but that was the gist.)

While I have a very strong sense that Josh is an "outlier" in drawing meaning from the repetition in here - rather than just being bored or frustrated by it - the idea that it's okay if I "repeat myself" sometimes comforts me somehow. Maybe because it relieves me from the pressure of feeling I have to be "entertaining" or something. I don't know.

But revisiting the idea that "being attached to outcomes is problematic" - because, 1) the thing you want to have happen probably won't happen, then you will be sad, and, 2) You don't know that the thing you want to have happen is the best thing that could happen anyway - is important to me.

It really is a "theme" I need to revisit over and over.

Something obvious to most people - "To internalize helpful thoughts, you have to work at them. Just reading a book (or Internet article), or writing a journal entry, won't cut it" - is something I've always struggled with.

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Tues (8:10 pm)

I've been playing a lot of online Scrabble these days (Against the computer).

I realized something I recently said about playing Scrabble online could be said about life in general: "I feel like it lets me win every so often, but could kill me any time it wants to".

I'm uncomfortable about wasting so much time with it (Again, I'm talking about Scrabble, but could be referring to life as well), but I tell myself, "At least it's slightly more cerebral than that balloon-popping game I was playing before...".

(And why did I just write about that? I don't know - I've kind of been meaning to for awhile, because it really does bother me that I'm spending so much time doing that instead of "real stuff", whatever that would be. But anyway...)

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Thurs 4/30/15 (10:00 am)

Had a commercial callback on Tuesday.

The guy running the callback crystallized my problem with this kind of audition - which involved looking toward the camera with no expression - when he referred to it as "the easiest to do, and the hardest to get".

They're a "face lottery", as I heard an actor say years back, "no acting required".

But, being an actor, I sort of like acting to be "required" at an audition (You know, since it's kinda/sorta what I do).

And since there's nothing I can do about my face at this juncture, it's hard to feel I have a lot of "agency" in this situation.

It's just my "interesting" face versus a bunch of other "interesting" faces - so there's nothing to do but hope this ugly mug is the one that gets picked-out-of-the-hat.

It's way too "random" for my tastes - For whatever reason, I never feel I'm going to be on the winning side of "random".

(I assume that has something to do with the fact that "random" kind of pooped on me at an early age.)

Anyway, that's a thing that happened, which leads me back to the whole "attachment to outcomes" thing...

Even though the whole "face lottery" thing means it's luck-of-the-draw who books it or not, I really wanted the "win".

And even though, with my tax refund and the delayed checks from Entertainment Partners, I'm not hurting financially right now, I really wanted the money.

(In my mind, wanting the money makes a lot more sense than wanting the "win" - The "win", as I've suggested, is random, and thus meaningless, but the money "kicks the can further down the road" financially, and that will always be a good thing.)

So I didn't walk out of the audition feeling like I'd really "done anything" - or "won anything" - but at the same time, I didn't want to put myself "out of the running" before I'd even gotten back to my car.

So I told myself to wait till the end of the business day yesterday, and if I didn't hear anything, then I could tell myself it didn't happen and "move on".

And here we are..."moving on".

So "not attaching to outcomes"?

Clearly still "a work in progress".


 

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