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11:42 am - FRI 2/22/02 Wore bike helmet to work. Maybe the 3rd time I've worn it (I wonder why NOW? Guess I don't want my brain damage any worse than it already IS!). ************************************************* What if, when I felt bad, I could just "live with it"? Not wallow in it, not act like it's the worst thing that's ever happened, but just BE there. Till I'm NOT. That would be nice... ************************************************* Thinking about being online in general, and on D-land in particular. In a word, I'm ADDICTED. It's understandable; I'm alone a lot, and its company is instant. Ever-available. EASY. (Reminder to myself--I have to call the Hawthorn police about that ticket. I need to figure out what I do next.) Anyway... I think it would help to simply "break things up" every so often, start the day WITHOUT logging on. Watch tv, or listen to a cd, or maybe even--dare I SUGGEST such a thing?--READ (Or do household stuff. Or do acting stuff. Or basically, just do anything ELSE). I HAVE to do Diaryland--my "fan" is counting on me. And what would I do without my bevy of nubile online fantasy-women? But it can't be my LIFE. It can't be what I do, at least on a regular basis, while the apartment is a pigsty, while it's taking me a month to read one book, or while I haven't checked "Backstage" or "Ross Reports", or sent out headshots in a week. Fun is good. And I have no desire to give up Diaryland. But some "balance" would be a GOOD thing. (Remember, Call insurance co. and let them know you are now "car-free" ) A little balance. A little focus. (End) Well, while I may be resistant to "convincing myself" to be more positive, while I may not think of myself as the most together, organized guy, it's become apparent to me that making the effort to be more positive HELPS. And while I'm still not thinking of myself as the most organized, together guy, and don't know if I WANT to have my life planned out to the eyeteeth, it HELPS to give myself little "reminders" about what I want or need to accomplish in a given day. Today, I DIDN'T log on immediately upon waking up. I ate, looked over my "Crossing the Line" script, and watched a little tv. THEN I logged on. I checked my e-mail, checked to see if Carrie and Lauren had new entries, checked out some of those nubile fantasy-women I mentioned earlier, then chatted with Kevin for a bit. As I talked to Kevin, I found myself getting anxious to call the Hawthorne police about the ticket, so I excused myself and did that. (Basically, there's not much to be done at this point till my little form gets to the DMV and gets processed. So the person I spoke to said to call them back in two weeks, and we'd see what's what.) After that, I read "The Shipping News"--I'm about 125 pages in--then watched "The View". After their interview with Dylan McDermott (Who I used to get confused with Dermott Mulrooney, until Dylan became a big star on "The Practice"), I turned off the tv, and did some mailings, which I hadn't done in awhile. I sent things out to "ER", "NYPD Blue", "The Practice", and "The West Wing" (Right now, I've been targeting shows I actually watch and enjoy. Since it's not likely at this point that anyone's going to call me in ANYWAY, why NOT "shoot for the stars"?). I COULD clean house. I COULD go buy more stamps. But I'm tired, and now I'm doing THIS. Jane just poppped into my mind again. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Worrying about her (I told her last night that I KNOW I really care about her, because her health concerns and whatnot worry me ALMOST as much as my own. And it takes quite a bit to break through my concrete wall of self-involvement!). As long as I've known her, Jane has always kept herself busier than she's been comfortable with, taking on various and sundry projects, till she feels overbooked and overwhelmed. She wants everyone to be happy, she wants everyone to like her, and the things she takes on are always worthwhile, but it's really tough when you can't say "no" to anyone, but also can't accept your efforts being less-than-perfect. I also feel the stress of having everything I do need to be perfect, but I chose a different ROUTE than Jane--Essentially, I gave up. Instead of trying to be all things to all people and "The good student", as Jane has said, I put myself in a position where I'm rarely asked to do anything for anyone (And on the rare occasion I AM, I feel HUGELY stressed about it). So anyway, Jane has this stress that, from my view, she almost always carries around with her. And on TOP of that, she's dealing with the psychological effects of recently moving her mother into a retirement center, and both things together are proving to be a bit MUCH. Even though I don't have a mother, I think I understand, at least to a small degree, what Jane might be going through. And I wish there was something I could say, something I could do, that would help. I just wish she could cut herself some slack. And figure out who to say no to, and when. It seems like she just needs to DECOMPRESS a bit. And I feel embarrassed to admit this--Have you noticed I'm "embarrassed" a LOT these days?--but my concern about Jane contains a lot of self-interest as well; I want Jane to be happy and healthy for many, many years to come, so she can continue to be my friend/big sister/Mom. ************************************************* Yesterday at work, AJ asked me if I "got high". I said that it had been quite awhile, but yes, I had been known to "indulge" on occasion. Now, I'd already HEARD that AJ likes to "fire one up" at work, but I hadn't thought he was asking me if I wanted to get high with him right THEN. But he WAS. I demurred, not out of any moral quandry, but out of fear, and not trusting myself to not get overly STUPID. But I was pleased to be ASKED, and we may hang out at his place this Monday, or some Monday coming up, maybe smoke a little, and do "creative stuff", as AJ said (AJ's an artist, and also has expressed some interest in video). Well, I kinda thought I had more to say at this point, but I'm coming up dry, so I guess I don't. See ya!
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