2:07 pm - Monday, Feb. 21, 2005
Sun 2/20/05 (10:13 a.m.)
Just got off the phone to Cary...
I don't want to abuse his friendship by calling him every other day to vent my various and sundry anxieties, but he does have a "calming influence" on me.
He suggested something kind of obvious, regarding my work situation, but something I nevertheless hadn't considered—Putting in for a store transfer.
If the Hollywood store needed someone full time, I could do that.
He also suggested contacting John O., for tips on how to go about it (I don't think I'd want to ask David about it, both because his follow-up on things sucks, and because politically, I don't think I'd want to indicate my dissatisfaction by requesting a transfer, only to find out there wasn't anyplace to transfer to. Then I'd just be sitting there, exposed, with a manager who would now know I no longer want to work under him).
I've been thinking, for awhile now, about that Pema Chodron interview I read in The Sun some time back...
One thing she said really struck me, cause it's been bouncing around in my head ever since:
The first noble truth of the Buddha is that people experience dukka, a feeling of dissatisfaction or suffering, a feeling that something is wrong....only in the West is this dissatisfaction articulated as "Something is wrong with me."
Some time back, I had a phase where I was trying to "make peace with myself", I guess you'd say, by admitting my "brokenness"; basically, the messed-up guy I am is the messed up guy I'm always going to be, and the best way to deal with that fact is to just accept it, and do the best I can "with the materials at hand".
But recently I've been thinking that the idea of my being "broken" doesn't make much sense. It implies that there was something, or someone, I was "supposed" to be, but things somehow went tragically awry.
But there's no way to think about life that makes that idea work.
If there's an order to things, if there's a God or some "Rational Intelligence" or whatever you want to call it, if there's a "plan" of some sort, then things are going exactly the way they're supposed to.
If you believe in reincarnation, and this is my second or third (Or 17th or 59th) go-round, I'm being rewarded (Or punished) for what I've done before (Or, leaving "punishment" out of the equation, let's just say I "have stuff to work out"). So things are also "going exactly the way they're supposed to".
And if it's all random, and whatever's happening is just stuff that's happening, then there's no "way things are supposed to be going" at all.
Just something I was thinking about recently...
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