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12:10 am - Tue 12/18/01 SWEETS FOR THE SWEET? It just occured to me--I have a problem in here that's basically a microcosm of the problem I have with my life in general. Focus. As I rode home from work this evening, I was absolutely FULL of things to write about in here. I was on FIRE to get home and get things down in my little online journal. Then I got home. I looked at dirty pictures and jerked off. I ate. I watched tv as I dozed. I had some crackers with cheese and peanut butter. I chatted with Lauren for a time. And whatever it was I was so "on fire" to write about went up in smoke. And since this happens fairly routinely, there's obviously something I'm getting out of waiting till my inspiration to write fades to the level of "I knew there was SOMETHING I wanted to write about, but what the hell WAS it...?". I've often implied--often stated OUTRIGHT, for that matter--that I censor myself in here because I worry too much about what people think of me. Well, I don't think that's TOTAL bullshit. But it's KINDA bullshit; There's a handful of people in the world whose opinion I truly care about, but beyond that, it really doesn't matter what people think of me. I think there's another level here where I censor what I say for my OWN sake. I worry somewhat about what people think of me, but even after all this time, I think the main struggle in my journal is a struggle to be honest with MYSELF. Another issue is that, when a number of things are pushing at me to get OUT, I get frustrated. I can't figure out what I want to say first, what i want to say NEXT, which thought is the important thread to follow, and which is a blind alley. And how do I get this jumble into some sort of coherent SHAPE? So rather than struggle with all that...I give up before I start. Sadly, it's all too familiar. But as I've said before, whether in Diaryland or in "real life", I want to quit TALKING about what I want to do and just start DOING it, cause I'm really starting to BORE myself (I read over my last five or six entries earlier, and it's been awhile since I've read anything so dull. The Borders Employee Handbook came close, but I think it's my recent Diaryland entries by a nose). I know I keep going over and over this, but I think it's important. There's got to be SOMEWHERE where I'm really "me"...whoever that turns out to be. I have to have the courage to face up to that, and the willingness to work through the requisite frustrations and upset involved. Something that's surprised me in the past couple days is that I'm more concerned about the blood sugar thing that I realized. Initially, when the doctor said my blood sugar was high, it somehow barely registered; I think I was very focused on an answer to my specific problem and didn't really understand the potential implications of what he was saying ( He also didn't sound very concerned about it ). I don't want to freak out, and I don't even have enough info at this point to freak out WITH, but over the past couple days, I have found myself thinking, "Am I diabetic?". And if I am, what does that MEAN? Gotta be honest--if that ends up being the case, I'm going to feel pretty sorry for myself for a long time (I don't drink, don't do drugs, and haven't had sex in years. I do NOT want to be told that one of my few physical pleasures in life is now off-limits). I'm also going to be pretty scared; I've demonstrated over and over again that I have a pretty high resistance to taking care of myself ( I don't cook, I've usually lived in a pigsty, and have never gone to a doctor if I didn't think I absolutely HAD to ). And I don't know anything about diabetes at this point, but I do know that the potential health problems that can result are pretty not-fun. You don't get to pretend that you don't have a problem with this one. But I don't want to get ahead of myself. This was ONE blood test, and maybe there's an explanation as to why my blood sugar spiked as high as it did. So over the past couple days, I've been trying to cut back--Less sugar in the coffee and so on--but knowing that it might be something I "can't have" has made it more tempting than ever. But anyway... Even writing about this, I find myself getting angry and frustrated; If I turn out to have a problem, I'll deal with it, but it's going to be hard for me not to feel further OPPRESSED by "real life". Poor Jim--first his car, then his stomach, and now he's diabetic. Poor, pitiful, unfortunate Jim. It won't be the end of the world, if I'm diabetic. But I just don't need it. I gotta have SOMETHING moving in my favor out here, and I'd have a hard time thinking of being diagnosed with diabetes as "something moving in my favor".
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