10:47 pm - Weds 11.19.2008
From Tail To Head

Today was a milestone: Jim's Very First Barium Enema (At least, I think it was Jim's first barium enema - Seems like the kind of thing Jim would remember. But anyway...)

That meant yesterday was spent "prepping" for my barium enema - at 8 a.m., I had a chicken-on-white-bread sandwich...and that was the end of solid food for the next 24+ hours; starting at noon, I had at least 12 ounces of liquid, every hour on the hour, till 9:00 o'clock.

So there was lots and lots of drinking.

And after 4:00 p.m., when I took the laxative beverage, there was lots and lots of sitting on the toilet.

Than after 9:00 p.m., when I took the four little pills in the enema kit, there was lots of gastrointestinal discomfort, and getting out of bed, and more sitting on the toilet, and in general, a lot of wishing I could just eat and poop like a normal human being.

Then in the morning, there was a breakfast-time enema (In lieu of breakfast), and it was off to Beverly Imaging Center on Wilshire Blvd.

The actual procedure was pretty weird for me - Typically, I try to avoid having people see me with a tube stuck up my ass (cause the way I see it, how I spend my weekends is my business) - and it certainly wasn't comfortable (Though as I told the Doctor at one point, it was pretty much how I'd been feeling much of the time anyway - like I really needed to take a crap, but couldn't) - but everyone was very nice, and made a point of making sure I was as comfortable as possible, and I think it was about the most pleasant un-pleasant experience I could have had.

Turns out, I've been under-reporting the extent of my injury - I actually had eight stitches - but after the Doc cleaned me up, removed the stitches, and put two small, thin "pressure bandages" (?) across the wound (To make sure it stays closed) - it didn't look so bad, much to my delight.

(I'd worried I might be out of the audition game for the next few weeks. But to my eye, the wound now looks minimal - something easily dealt with in makeup - at least minimal enough that I'm comfortable telling my "team" I'm once again "open for business".)

Dr. W apparently hasn't gotten the CT pictures yet, and he's not due to get the "enema pictures" till tomorrow (I'm guessing they don't actually call the enema pictures "enema pictures", because that makes them sound like something in the "fetish" section of a porn shop), so there wasn't much to say yet about the state of my brain or my bowels.

(He did ask if I "felt better" after today's procedure, and the cleansing that occurred in the 24 hours beforehand - and I have to say I don't. Which probably means a visit to the gastroenterologist is in my future.)

Apparently, I'm feeling stressed and depressed and generally unwell these days, at least if you judge by the breakdown I had during today's session.

The reasons for all this general "unwell-ness" are many and varied, and could make, not just a journal entry, but an ongoing series of journal entries.

Basically, with the hernia and the bowel issues, I've been chronically uncomfortable for weeks now. And Thursday night's little episode was extremely upsetting on a couple different levels.

Add that to all kinds of situational/existential angst (About the economy, about acting, about being alone, about the relative pointlessness of my life, etc), with no one to talk to on a regular basis, and I guess it's not too surprising that I ended up cursing and crying my way through therapy today (Ironically, therapy is part of the problem - Since we've gone down to a session every other week, there's that much more time for the pressure to build between sessions).

Clearly, I'm an emotional guy in need of an outlet for my feelings.

Particularly since I'm an actor that doesn't really act anymore.

Which is why this came up in therapy today.

Years ago, when I first moved to LA, I was pretty unhappy for quite awhile, struggling with the challenges of what I was doing out here. And that unhappiness was reflected in here - Cause after all, that's what a journal is.

Anyway, some of my friends/readers emailed me, basically reading me the riot act for "feeling sorry for myself".

I didn't take it well - It didn't change how I felt as much as it told me I needed to hide how I felt, because (As I'd always secretly believed anyway) clearly my feelings were bad, and wrong.

It affected how I write in here - It may not seem like it to the casual reader, but I'm always "hedging my bets", not revealing things I think people would find unacceptable, or simply playing down the extent of my feelings.

But I need to take Diaryland back from that fear of rejection.

Cause I need to express myself.

And yes, when you reveal who you really are, how you really feel, some people aren't going to like it.

Maybe they won't end up liking you.

But if you never reveal who you are, and how you really feel, you don't give anyone a chance to like you.

But more to the point, at 47 years of age, it's way past time I started liking myself, and spending less time worrying about what other people might think.

All I know is that I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that have no where to go, and they've got to go somewhere.

And this is as good a place as any.

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