10:14 AM - 09.06.23
(Just looked at the GenSpace schedule, and realized a new thing I signed up for is today at Noon, and not tomorrow. So I've got less time than I thought, but still want to try and write something...)
Have been thinking about a "private journal" for a while now.
I think I need one.
But it's been harder to start up than I realized - I'm decades "out of practice" with writing for an audience of one and just "letting it fly" - so beyond the occasional hand-written entry not all that different from what I'd write in here, it hasn't really coalesced into a regular, or even semi-regular, discipline.
A big problem has also been the "hand-written" part. Just because I want to start writing a private journal again doesn't mean I have to "go back in time" to the 80s, when I was writing by hand in physical journals. It's too damned slow, not allowing for the "editing on the fly" that's become part of my writing "process" (The quill pen and inkpot slows me down even more, as you might imagine).
So I've decided I'm going to start doing that on my MacBook - I write in Diaryland on my Chromebook (Why I bought a Chromebook one year, with Xmas money, when I already had a Mac, I can't really explain, beyond a vague idea that the Chromebook could be my "traveling laptop" that wouldn't be as painful a loss were it to be damaged or stolen).
(Called GenSpace a short time ago to drop out of the new thing, which is basically just "group karaoke", so I can hop on board anytime. This felt more important to me today.)
I'm pretty open in here, but not totally open. And I do need some space where I can totally be myself, and not worry that something is "too embarrassing" or "boring" or what-have-you.
Anyway, that's going to be a thing (That I will probably stop writing about once it actually begins to happen).
Emotionally, the days have been hit-and-miss of late.
Okay, mostly "miss".
But before I started writing today, I checked out my last entry, which was not my cheeriest ever, and decided I wanted to avoid a similar bummer of an entry today if I could (See, that's one reason I need a "private journal", so I can be as depressed as I wanna be, without worrying that I'm gonna "lose you").
And yeah, while I'm still struggling enough that I feel I need to address it with "Dr Feelgood" when I see him next, it's also true that the days haven't been all bad - I had a dinner outing with my friend Liz and a friend of hers recently that was a lot of fun, there was a party at GenSpace that was better than the "bag of cookies and pitcher of Kool-Aid" that I was expecting, and this past Friday, I enjoyed a leisurely couple hours with Josh at the "fancy Starbucks" in his neighborhood (That was when we mistakenly went to picket when picketing was canceled for the day due to the Labor Day weekend...which actually made me pretty happy, since I've been at a very low ebb physically and was actually kind of dreading marching about for two hours in the hot sun).
But I have been having a lot of "bad days", and I don't know why - Do I have things to feel legitimately sad and/or anxious about, or have my meds just turned on me? - all I know is that I'm having trouble seeing my way through this malaise I've been feeling.
I think Jane hit on at least one piece of the problem these days when she said, "I don't think the strike is helping when you're already struggling with feeling like your career is on the wane".
That's very true.
It's not very helpful, but lately I find myself thinking, "Don't assume that, when the strike ends, the big offers are gonna start pouring in...".
What's insidious about that line of thought is that it seems like I'm nipping a potential source of distress in the bud (I'm not going to be "caught off-guard" if/when the strike ends and it doesn't seem to make much difference in the demand for my services), but what's really happening is that I'm "putting in my head" the idea that the strike might be a good thing in general, but it's the "beginning of the end" for me.
And the best I can do for myself, at the moment, is to say, "You don't necessarily know that, Dumbass...! For all you know, the strike ending might usher in a new 'Age of Hoffmaster'...!".
"Career stuff" is always a big stressor for me, because it's both a practical thing (I need money) and an emotional thing (I still want to feel like I'm wanted/needed/useful/whatever).
Being as talented as I am, I can worry both about having a future, and having a future that seems ultimately pointless.
(What a gift...!)
Till next time...