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12:16 PM - Sat 3.04.23 Getting off to a very slow, lazy start today... But just talked to Jane a short time ago, and formulated a plan that, if executed precisely, will give me time to do things like this, time to perhaps see a movie that Jane isn't especially interested in, like Ant-Man: Quantumania, and end the evening with Jane, just hanging out and watching an episode or two of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is a thing we enjoy. Speaking of Jane, we had a nice time yesterday, checking out the shops on Melrose (Where we discovered $30 was the magic number marking the difference between buying a thing and passing on it as being "too expensive"), then having lunch on Larchmont and popping into a couple of shops there. (Almost bought a drawing book at Chevalier Books. But then I thought about the 25-plus drawing books I have already that I don't make much use of, and passed on it...but I'm still thinking about it, so it may get bought at some point. And who knows? Maybe it'll be the magic drawing book that makes the difference...!) As I believe I mentioned in the last entry, Jane's only here for a few more days. Sometimes that worries me - because I like when she's here and get sad when she goes - but she'll be coming back in a few couple weeks, to go to Berkeley Springs with me, so I think I'll be able to manage. And "being able to manage" my life has been a big topic of discussion between me, my regular therapist, and my "Dr Feelgood" (i.e. Dr. Chin, my prescribing psychiatrist, who checks in with me every month or so to see if my pharmaceutical help is helping). (Someone in the building is listening to some "Soft Sounds Of The 70s" Spotify channel - Currently hearing "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts - which is fine by this 70s kid.) For some time now, I've been wrestling with feeling my life has been "a swing and a miss" - While I try to leave open the possibility of being surprised, it seems unlikely at this point that love, sex, family, success, etc, are going to happen to me/for me - which leaves me wondering, basically, "Where do I go from here"? (If you've been following along for any amount of time, you know that worrying about the future - particularly a future where there's not much money coming in - is one of my big pasttimes. But for this entry, I'm going to try and leave that off the table and just focus on "the emotional stuff".) I don't think it serves me to spend the rest of my life being sad that my life "didn't work out the way I'd hoped it would" (Or being angry for "failing" to craft a better, more successful, more emotionally/creatively/mentally satisfying life). Instead, the challenge, moving forward, is to see what I can do with whatever time remains. When I think about it, it's kind of funny - On the one hand, I feel like I "failed at life" and am struggling to figure out what to do moving forward, and at the same time, one of my biggest fears these days is that it's going to come to an end all too soon. Which feels like I'm living the old joke where two old guys are complaining about the restaurant they frequent ("The food here is terrible." "Yes, and the portions are too small!"). Anyway, much of my therapy these days is involved in helping me craft a day-to-day life that I can take more pleasure and satisfaction in. And one of the hard truths of the matter is that it's all on me - I have to have the wherewithal to make anything that's gonna happen, happen. My therapist can't make me get off the Internet and read a book (Or draw a drawing. Or play an instrument. Or dance around. Or take a walk. Or learn Spanish). And no amount of pharmaceuticals are going to make me take a class, or join a book group. Or just get out of the house and go to the library, or a coffeeshop, or wherever. Cause it's my life - Not my Therapist's. Or "Dr Feelgood's". And that seems as good a note as any to close on. Till next time...
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