2:29 PM - Thurs 4.16.15
The Big Movie Audition...And What Happen After

Had my big movie audition earlier today.

It seemed to go well - there were two little scenes, and while I wasn't 100% happy with the first one, the second one felt better, and the CD and camera operator seemed quite pleased - but, in my heart-of-hearts, whatever they thought, I wished it had gone just a little better.

They only had me read once, which I've hashed over a lot in here - sometimes that can feel "perfunctory" (they're busy, you're just one actor, and they're seeing a lot of people), or like you didn't get anywhere near where they see the character (So why bother with you?), but in this case, it seemed - in spite of my own reservations - like I gave them a take on the scene they were happy with, so they didn't need to "re-direct" me.

But...this was a "nice office" - warm and friendly - so I might be dealing with the same phenomenon as when an attractive woman is warm and friendly with me (I get excited, and start thinking it's love, when it's really just them being "nice", like they are with everyone). So who knows?

When I was done, and about to get in my car, I had a flashback to auditioning for summer-stock theater back in the 80s; I'd go in with two contrasting monologues and 16 bars I'd spent weeks preparing, and I was tremendously excited and nervous, because it felt like so much was riding on it.

Then the big day would finally come, and I'd do my thing.

And it would be all over in two minutes.

So anyway, as I said on Facebook afterward, the thing I'd like to have happen now is to immediately get another audition (hopefully for something just as exciting, cause I was very enthused about today's project), which would make it easier to "put this behind me".

Which is now where it belongs.

I was thinking about this last audition, and realizing I have a problem with the standard advice actors get about "how to deal with auditions", which is basically "go to an audition, do your best, then put it behind you".

It makes sense; if you're constantly waiting and worrying about the result of every audition (then being crushed when, as happens most of the time, you don't book it), that's a pretty unhappy, unsatisfying existence.

But I realized, when I found myself getting really depressed about this last audition - which actually went well (I felt pretty good about it, and they seemed to like what I did) - that it wasn't so much about feeling let-down (due to the time and energy spent preparing for something that's over in a minute), but because I don't know how to "put an audition behind me and move on" without telling myself, basically, that "I didn't book it".

All I've done is "accelerate the rejection process" by taking it upon myself (And I just realized I could totally "branch off" about how I've probably done this exact thing in real life, but I'm gonna stick with the acting thing right now).

Not sure what the "fix" is here - How do I "move on" while leaving open the possibility that something good could happen? Without shutting things down, and thinking, "Okay, there's another one I didn't get..."?

I know one thing that makes me feel more positive - and this is something that's only happened through experience - which is being able to say, "This is a new office, and they responded well to me. So even if this particular thing doesn't happen, I've got a good shot at coming back in for something else, and booking that".

That's happened to me (More than once), so it's not Pollyanna, pie-in-the-sky, positive-thinking bullshit - On the contrary, it's how you have a career.

And I guess the other thing is to keep working on the idea of not being "attached to the outcome".

Getting depressed about the outcome of a given audition is, while human, kind of silly - It assumes I know "the best possible thing that could happen" (which is basically, "me getting my way"), when I clearly - demonstrably - do not.

From community theater in the 80s (Where not getting cast in a production of "Cuckoo's Nest" freed me up to be cast in Hair, which was an amazing experience), to Shameless (Where I got cast as Kermit on my third or fourth time being brought in for the show), I've been shown, more than once, that "not booking a gig" can be the best thing that can happen.

I'm not a Buddhist, but I very much buy the idea that "suffering is caused by desire".

The trouble is, I've had no idea how not to "desire". It's hard for me to imagine that's even possible.

The best I can imagine for myself at this point is that, with practice, I can hope "for good things" in general (In my life and career), while bringing myself back to the idea, over over again, that desiring some specific outcome makes no sense.

I really and truly do not know "The best thing that could happen to me" - Clearly.

I only know what I want.

And that being the case, it only makes sense to "put myself out there", and trust that, if I'm putting out good energy, I'll get good things back, instead of being stuck in an endless loop of desire and disappointment because "I didn't get this or that thing I want".

And that's about as positive as I ever get, so that seems a good note to close on.

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