12:10 pm - Thurs 10.10.2013
(WARNING: This entry will contain adult language, violence - of mostly an emotional nature - and borderline "adult situations".)
I've talked about this before, but once again I realize I'm almost never well-served by letting a journal entry "sit" before completing it - I rarely revisit what I've written after a day goes by (or two or three days go by) without thinking "This is really boring - Why the fuck did I think any of this shit would be of interest to anyone?", and promptly deleting it.
(The "deleted material", in a nutshell: Struggling with depression and anxiety, I've found two things to be "cautiously optimistic" about at WW - 1. We're getting a raise starting Nov. 24, which I'm hoping will add enough to my paycheck to be "meaningful", and 2. On the weight-loss front, I've recently had a couple of overnights where, with great struggle, sometimes involving actual physical violence upon myself, I ate little or nothing; this relatively recent compulsion, to get up overnight and eat - Starting within the past year or two - is the primary reason I'm currently way over my weight goal.)
I'm very embarrassed about my last entry. While it may seem like I'm an "emotional exhibitionist" - Who else would keep a public journal, after all? - It's humiliating to admit just how bad I really feel a good chunk of the time.
It feels weak. And the vestigial "real man" inside me hates that.
And in spite of my protestations that "no one can do anything to help me. I know it's up to me to figure this out", etc, it feels needy, like I'm panhandling, but for your love and attention instead of your spare change (Though let's be clear - I could also use any spare change you might have...).
But if there's any point to my doing this - any point of my doing this and involving you, I mean - it's to convey something real, something honest.
That way, you get to have an honest response, whether it's "Wow...what a pussy!", "Wow...glad I'm not him...!", "Wow...I thought I was the only one who felt that way..." or whatever.
As I was contemplating writing this, I tried to figure out "How am I feeling right now?", cause I thought "If there are people still reading along at this point, they might want to know how I'm feeling now relative to how I was feeling when I wrote that last entry".
And the metaphor that came to mind describing my current state-of-being was drowning.
Which sounds pretty melodramatic, I know (What do you expect? I'm an actor, after all). But the "up side" of that metaphor, to me, is that "drowning" suggests a struggle, an effort to "keep living".
Honestly, sometimes I wish I could "give up"...but if I "gave up" on the idea of acting, I'd still have to figure out what to do with myself to make an actual living, and if I gave up on making a a living, I'd have to deal with being homeless.
Far as I can see, there's no real stopping this ride, except to kill myself. And I don't see that as an option, for whatever reason. At least not yet.
Emotionally, I feel like I'm getting little "gulps of air" - The WW raise, the couple days of success over my "eating issue", a commercial audition earlier today, etc. - before sinking back under (WW corporate will figure out how to screw us over, the couple days of success with the overnight eating came at great emotional cost - did I mention I literally "beat myself up" that first night? - and the audition that happened a few hours ago was the third-one-in-a-row where I know in my gut I just didn't make it happen, which is insanely frustrating).
(I know I'm just a man, like other men, but there's only so much leeway I can give myself, only so much "forgiveness" I can offer myself when I fuck up auditions where - particularly in today's case - thousands of dollars are at stake.)
Was going to call and cancel my cable yesterday, before I got the call about today's audition - Now I'm thinking I might as well "make the call" (But who knows? I sucked today, but maybe I'm still interestingly ugly enough to make the callback, which is scheduled for Monday or Tuesday. I can probably hold off another day or two).
(I keep checking Facebook and my email, over and over, desperate for I-don't-know-what, suggesting that the Internet, all-in-all, is doing me more harm than good. It hasn't just given me ADD, it's made me hungry for constant attention, for continual "proof" that I'm "connected" to people, however tenuously.)
From what I've written thus far, I imagine it sounds like my problems are largely about money.
It's certainly true that I feel like continual money worries are crushing me - went to the credit union on Tuesday to deposit a small residual check, and I've currently got $1100 in my checking account.
(For perspective, my rent alone is $760-and-change. And my WW salary - upcoming raise notwithstanding - has never been enough to make my monthly nut.)
This is Maslow's "Hierarchy Of Needs" in action - "Money makes the world go round", so it's hard not to obsess over it (Or to be more precise, the lack of it). Nobody cares if I'm lonely, or artistically unsatisfied, or whatever my fucking problems are, but they sure-as-shit care whether I'm paying my bills or not.
I've said it before - Money might not be "everything"...but there's absolutely no area of my life that wouldn't be improved by my having money.
Right now, I'm even balking at going to the Doctor - I just got my SAG insurance card in yesterday's mail - because of the co-pay for the visit, for possible prescriptions, for potentially going to specialists, etc.
(I just went down - for the half-dozenth time - to check the mail, and the only thing I got was my car insurance bill...)
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how I make this better.
I wish "the cavalry" was coming.
But there is no "cavalry".
I'm the fucking "cavalry".
God help me...
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