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12:44 pm - Fri 1/26/07
Wanting To Be The \"Hero\"

Wanting To Be The "Hero"

Writing this from a computer at the public library, since I'm in day#2 of having my carpet ripped out, the underlying linoleum scrapped off, and the kitchen, bathroom, floor, and living room wall re-painted.


My Learning Channel audition went all right yesterday...I guess. There wasn't very much to it, which was somehow disappointing.

I can't say I've "learned" this about myself, cause I've really known it all along, but recently, it's been striking me just how much I want to be the "hero".

As I told Jane in an email a short time ago, I have no complaints about how much I've been getting out commercially, but I've been disappointed how little I've gone out theatrically (The Criminal Minds audition at the beginning of the month has been it so far).

That kind of ties in with a "concern" I've been having, which ties into the "hero" thing--Even in some casting workshops, I get what are essentially "co-star" scenes, where I'm basically playing a one-shot character that has little or nothing to do with the plot, a character that has no personal relationship with the other person in the scene, and often a scene with no "meat on its bones", comedically or dramatically.

A "co-star" role, basically.

(This doesn't happen all the time, but it happens often enough to be a point of concern. Especially since I'm paying for these things, and they're theoretically supposed to be showing the casting person what I can bring to the table.)

I might not like it, but I "get" that I'm ugly and middle-aged and am not going to be portraying anything romantic (Comedically or dramatically).
Though it kills me that a huge sphere of human interaction seems unavailable to me as an actor.

But I rarely even play anyone's father/brother/relative of any sort. I don't even get scenes where I'm anyone's friend ("Buddy scenes" at casting workshops always seem to be between younger guys).

Am I so fucking ugly that it's impossible for casting directors to think of me as even relating to other humans in a meaningful way?

There's a certain bitter irony in the thought that, even in "The World Of Make-Believe" I'm an outsider.


At my last therapy session, we did "Intake", where Javier asked me a lot of questions about my past, the better to know how to "deal with me", I guess.

This is going to go on for probably another session or two--He wants to be thorough--and I guess I'm all right with that.

It's apparent that I could use some more head-shrinking (As I just told Jane earlier, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of "spinning gold into straw" lately).

But right now, I've got to get back to the apartment, and walk the dog...


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