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9:05 pm - Sat 5.16.2009
#48 In The Series

#48 In The Series

My birthday was yesterday.


I'm glad it's over.

Basically, I wrestled with sadness and self-pity most of the day - like I do most days, really, only more so (Cause let's face it - If you spend birthday after birthday alone, year after year, you've clearly fucked up somewhere).

But as I told Cary - and it's something I noticed last year as well - at least I didn't start obsessing over my birthday this year till around the end of April. And that's a huge improvement; I used to start thinking about my "special day" a week or two into the new year.

(It gives me hope that, in time, I'll go from obsessing over it a few weeks before, to only obsessing over it on the actual day, to eventually not obsessing about it at all. Cause really, what's the point?)

But anyway...In between the sadness and self-pity (And taking calls from Mark & Jane, and Cary), I saw the new Star Trek, which I thought was quite good.

(I'm quite the casual "Star Trek" fan, so "your mileage my vary", but I thought they did a great job of "threading the needle", in appealing to old fans without putting off potential new fans...and vice-versa.)

After the movie, I had a moment where I felt almost noble about wanting to be an actor - I'd gone into the movie feeling depressed and sorry for myself, and was able to lose myself in action and adventure for a couple hours.
And while my wanting to act is, in part, about how acting makes me feel, it's also about my wanting, at some level, to make other people feel better too.

Anyway, after the movie, I went to the nearby House of Pies; I'd already told myself I was tossing "maintenance" out the window for the day, so I had a turkey Reuben and fries, with cherry pie and ice cream for dessert.

It was good.

But I couldn't help but feel a little guilty about not staying with my points (To any Weight Watchers reading this - I'd already used my "flex points" for the week).

For a long time - at least since I've started Weight Watchers, if not before - I've wondered about "emotional eating" and why I've so often filled my stomach when I was really emotionally empty.

Because, in a good bit of WW bumper-sticker wisdom, "If the problem isn't hunger, the answer isn't food".

But yesterday it hit me - what overeating has done for me in the past is "change the focus"; when I'm stuffed so full I think I may throw up, suddenly I'm not focused on my empty heart or my racing thoughts anymore, I'm focused on my full stomach.

And for some reason, being "sick to my stomach" has always been easier to deal with, less scary, than being "sick at heart" or "sick in the head".


I eased some of my guilt by deciding to walk home (I'd taken the Metro to the Vermont/Sunset station) - so, since I hadn't bought myself a "present" yet, on the way, I stopped at a uniform supply place (I think it was called "Scrubs Etc."), and gave myself the birthday present of a couple more pairs of pants that fit (It's been over six months since I reached my goal weight, and I'm still walking around, more often than not, in "fat guy pants").

All told, the tab for this "Day of Days" was about $70 - Not a lot, considering, but considering that I don't really have the money to spend, it was enough.

And that, my friends, was my birthday.

#48 in the series.


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