10:25 pm - Fri 3.23.2013
Grateful For The Struggle

I've got to go to bed in little more than a half-hour...

Feeling miserable.

Been having hellacious sinus troubles for weeks now (Never been officially diagnosed with allergies, but I clearly have them. And from all the people who are coming into Weight Watchers these days complaining about their allergies, apparently "'Tis the season").

Anyway...

I feel like today should have been, overall, a "positive" day.

Work was pleasant enough.

Afterward, I went to the credit union to deposit a couple of small residual checks (Getting a couple rolls of quarters back for laundry, and $10 for a haircut).

On my way out, Ken Howard and Roberta Reardon (The Co-Presidents of SAG-AFTRA) got on the elevator with me.

For a moment, I was tempted to tell Howard I'd been a big fan of The White Shadow (Which is true)...but I did not.

(A few years ago, I think I could have said that and he would have thanked me. But now? Telling the president of my union that what I really like about him is the acting work he did 30-some years ago? Well, let's put it this way - If I had, I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd told me to go fuck myself.)

Then, more seriously, I was tempted to ask implore them to get their act together regarding the pension and health programs (SAG and AFTRA merged a year ago, but the health and pension programs have not. And being able to contribute to single health and pension programs, and not having them split up between two unions, was one of the big reasons I voted for the merger to begin with).

But again, I did not, because they were moving toward some kind of meeting, and to be honest, I was tired enough that I wouldn't actually have wanted them to "engage" with me on the subject.

Screwed around at home for awhile after that, doing I don't remember what ("Thank God - he's not going to tell us he 'jerked off' again...!").

Then the mail came, and I got another residual check - nothing amazing, but in the high double-digits, which counts as a "big" residual check these days - and a surprise, hand-written letter from Amy L., a friend from Schuler Book days back in Lansing.

The check is important, of course, since I've been pissing-and-moaning about money on a near-constant basis these days, as you know.

But on another level, the letter was a bigger deal; something that struck me awhile back was the thought that checks have been, for years now, pretty much the thing I look forward to getting in the mail; it's nice, every so often, to get something else, something that's more "meaningful" than some more money to put in my checking account.

My alarm-clock just went off ten minutes ago...thus solving the mystery of why I overslept this morning, something I really never do.

It's a testament to the awesome power of the subconscious mind; yesterday, shortly after writing in here, I posted on Facebook that it was the time of evening - "every Friday evening" - where I think "Fuck! I have to fucking get up at 5:45 am tomorrow..!.".

That's all it took, just expressing that strong sentiment on Facebook - Even though I clearly have to get up at 5:45 am in order to get ready and go to my job on Saturday mornings, my subconscious said, "You don't want to get up tomorrow morning? Then don't fucking get up!".

So that was how my day started.

Other than that, the meetings went fine - though our numbers were off for all three meetings (Which only matters - to me, anyway - because staffing depends on how many people show up for meetings) - and the only thing that really bothered throughout the morning was my previously-mentioned allergies.

So after work, I was going to go to Target and buy some Claratin, even though I was blanching in advance at the expense (But the store-brand shit I've been taking just hasn't been working).

But in the same neighborhood there was a DB Shoe Store, so I went in to see if they had shoes that actually supported my desire to, like, walk and stand on my feet for a couple hours at a time and stuff that like.

After flagging down a clerk to make sure the "sale" sign was referencing the pair of shoes I was considering, I walked out with a pair of Rockports for about $50.

...which kind of put the brakes on the whole Claritin-buying/breathing-through-my-nose again business.

But now, hours later?

I still want the Claritin.

So I'm off to the store...

(Note to self: When you get back, you want to finish explaining why Friday "should have been a good day", but wasn't.)

(9:35 pm)

So, the "Friday" business...

It was really not a bad day - it definitely had a couple nice "grace notes" - and yet about half-way through, I basically "crashed and burned".

And here's the thing - It happens pretty much every week.

What happens, particularly in a week where I've had no auditions, is that once I've finished my stint at WW on Friday, I come home, and basically spend the rest of the day, at least till the end of the business day, "waiting by the phone" for an audition, hoping that a nothing week will be "rescued" by having something to be hopeful about/look forward to on Monday.

And nine-times-out-of-ten, it doesn't happen- it's comparatively rare I get called on Friday for a Monday audition - which means I've got a long stretch of "weekend" where nothing's gonna happen, and nothing to look forward to, audition-wise, till (at least) Tuesday...if then.

It's a downright deadly routine to have fallen into, emotionally, but I'm not sure how to "stop the madness".

No auditions this past week...and that's not good, of course - how do I book jobs and make money without fucking auditions? - but what possible good can it do me to be freaked out and unhappy and generally obsessive about it?

I have to trust that "the money will come"...and it kinda/sorta has lately; there was the tax refund, of course, which happened much quicker than I'd anticipated, and over the past week or two, I've gotten four residual checks totaling around $200.

It's not exactly a blizzard of cash, but it's not nothing either.

As for "the other side of the equation" - the fact that I just feel aimless and bored and depressed when auditions aren't happening - well, I've just gotta find other things to think about, other things to do.

Well, next week it looks like my "thing to do" will be working extra WW shifts - I'm filling in for Debbie S. for four meetings and an open-hours shift, in addition to my regular meetings.

It's one of those things I should be happy about, but I'm really not - right now, it just sounds tiring, and for negligible returns - but I'm not looking at it the right way.

The Universe is "throwing me a bone", and instead of being grateful, I'm mentally pissing on it, because it's not happening exactly how I want it to be happening.

There's no law that says money has to flow my way, or that I have to catch any breaks at all. The fact that money does come my way when I need it, the fact that, on any given day, I could get a call for the audition that changes everything?

That's pretty cool.

I was thinking about it the other day - I struggle, but the positive way of viewing it is that I have the chance to struggle.

There are loads of people whose dreams are much further away from their reality than my dreams are from mine.

I'm in a position where something can happen.

And that's a good thing.

Well, I'm pulling a serious fade here, so i think it's time to sign off, go brush my teeth, and hit the sack.

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