9:26 pm - Tues 9.19.2012
Writing A "Thing"

I have a number of things I think I should do more often (And I know I should rephrase that as "Things I Want To Do More Often" - But for now, I'm going with "should", because if I really wanted to do all this stuff, I'd be doing it).

1. Act
2. Read
3. Work on playing music (harmonica, guitar, and keyboards - The list is in descending order of how well I play each instrument).
4. Exercise
5. Clean house/organize my stuff.
6. Sleep
7. Have sex
8. Socialize
9. Draw
10. Write

I think these are all worthwhile things - Of course, or why would they be on a list of "Things I Should Do More Often"? - but for the moment, I'm going to concentrate on #10.

For quite some time, I've "fallen off" on writing in here, and I've spent a lot of time bemoaning that fact, because I genuinely see it as a disturbing development vis-a-vis my perennially-shaky mental health (Emotionally, I think I'm better off keeping this journal on a regular basis than I am "letting it slide").

But mental health issues aside, lately I've gotten some "extra incentive" for getting back into it on a regular basis, and not "letting it slide" - Two "fans" of my work in here have told me I'm a really good writer, and should consider writing a book.

Not to be self-aggrandizing - because, honestly, I don't completely "get" it - but a number of people have told me that over the years (Okay, I might be exaggerating by saying "a number of people", but I seem to remember somebody else saying it once).

And I see "possibilities" more now than in the past - I am, after all, a middle-aged guy (Okay, "middle-aged-bordering-on-old-guy") who's trying to become a big-time actor, and one who's actually had some measure of success, and there could be interesting stuff there.

And of course, now I've got the whole "Middle-aged guy (Okay, "middle-aged-bordering-on-old-guy") connecting with the biological family he's never known" thing.

So there's at least some subject matter there.

And, stylistically, if I don't have a "voice" after over 30 years of doing this...I should drop "writing" from my list of "Things I Should Do More", and replace it with, I don't know, Bible-study or something.

But I don't know how I get from "here" to "there" - When it comes to capital-W "Writing", being a long-time journal writer seems like "a good beginning", like a pianist constantly practicing scales, but never playing a tune.

I don't know how one goes from this to writing an actual "thing", or after that, how one goes about making money from said "thing".

I'm extremely vague on pretty much all the details.

But for now, I think a first step might be just "to write more" - a lot more".

And try to stretch a little bit, stylistically and emotionally.

I felt myself just now wanting to compare this to acting, and something that immediately came to mind is that, with acting, I'm helping tell someone else's story, and that being the case, I have to fulfill their vision - And if I don't, I don't get to play.

Maybe it's time to check and see if I have any "vision" to share with the world.

(And if I can't always play with others, I can always play with myself...)

20:27:41 - 2000-12-06
Doing my thing
Feeling in a somewhat melancholy, reflective mood this evening...

As always happens for me, the pleasure of getting the role in "Oliver" doesn't match up at all to the anxiety I was feeling before I got the part.

Is that "just the way of things" or is it just me?

I think part of the reason I don't feel like doing a victory dance is that there wasn't any "victory". For many years now, I haven't had any competition for the things I've wanted to do ( That's not quite the boast it sounds like; I think I have talent, to be sure, but it's almost equally about the small pond I've been swimming in ).

And when I think about it, I've depended on that lack of competition to feel like "a big deal", but it sometimes makes "winning" seem kind of...hollow ( Of course, this doesn't take anything away from the pleasure of actually getting to play the part, but that's a whole other thing, and not the journal subject du jour ).

I found myself thinking at auditions that it would be the last time for at least some time to come that I was going to walk into an audition as a known quantity. And I know I just finished saying how I haven't had "the thrill of victory" in years because there hasn't been anyone to be victorious over, but the idea of having to walk into a totally new environment and start proving myself all over again seems very...daunting. I may not have experienced "the thrill of victory" much these past years, but I also haven't experienced "the agony of defeat"!

( Up till now, I've spent the evening watching TV--"St Elsewhere" on Bravo, then "Ed" and "The West Wing" on NBC--writing in here during the commercial breaks. Now I've got 55 minutes till bedtime, with nothing to keep me from honing in with laser-sharp intensity on...ummm...whatver it is I'm trying to hone in on. )

I'm not sure how to say this next part...

Going home from work today, I turned on the radio, and the "Theme from Shaft" came on. I was listening, imagining being all cool and shit ( Like I often do when I hear cool music ), and it got me thinking about my fantasy life, my real life, and my performing life, and the way I often want life to be more like a movie, my movie career to be like my fantasies, and my fantasies to come true.

Did that make any sense at all?

When I go to a movie, a movie I enjoy and am emotionally involved in, I get involved as an audience member, while as an actor I want to be in the movie, and as a person who's bored and lonely and often unsatisfied, I want my life to BE a movie.

I enjoy the story. I want to be part of the story. I want to live in the story.

And I don't know if all that's something to be concerned about or to celebrate. It tends to make me nervous, because it seems like the profile of someone who's never going to be happy with "real life", but I can't recall ever feeling any differently. I don't know HOW to feel any diffently.

Questions are coming up in my mind, regarding "the big move", that I haven't had to really deal with for awhile.

For example--Assuming I can make anything happen at all out there, how am I going to feel if all I ever get to do is play freaks, losers, and assorted weirdos? Is that going to be good enough, because at least I'm "in the business", or is it going to make me want to stick the business end of a 45 in my mouth and pull the trigger? Am I an actor, or an exhibitionist? And are those even two different things?

And now all sorts of questions and fears assail me, just for daring to THINK about this big thing I'm doing, but I could list every question, every doubt, every fear, go into it in sweaty, squirming detail, and it STILL wouldn't matter. I HAVE to do this, and not just because I told everyone I was going to, though that factors in there.

This is my thing to do. My adventure. My cross. My journey. My albatross. My glory. Whatever the fuck it is. If I go out and make big things happen, so be it, but if I go out and promptly drop off the face of the earth, then that's just going to be the thing that happens.

This is my thing to do.

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