5:54 AM - Sun 9.14.14
Doing Stuff Is Tiring

Friday, a good day for most folks - "Hey, it's Friday! The weekend's almost here!" - kind of sucks for me.

Routinely.

That's because I'm obsessed with getting calls for auditions, and that doesn't happen on Fridays, for the most part. Which means knowing nothing's happening with acting till at least Tuesday (And probably not then).

Which sucks.

And I don't give a shit about "the weekend" most times. In fact, for most of my adult life, I haven't really had a weekend (From Schulers to Borders to ArcLight to Weight Watchers, I've worked on weekends for at least the past 25 years).

(About the only thing I look forward to on "weekends" is that I often go over to my friend Howard's for a "movie night" on Saturday or Sunday...though not this weekend.)

Sun 9/14/14 (9:37 pm)

So, why was I going on about how I don't like Fridays?

Because this past Friday was pretty miserable. A long, lonely, boring day.

And I knew it was going to be "pretty miserable" on Thursday night (A lot of my Fridays are "long, lonely, boring days").

And I still didn't do anything to try and stop Friday from being a "pretty miserable", "long, lonely, boring" day (Like planning an outing or getting something done that would have made me feel good, or basically doing anything beyond dozing, watching tv/playing on the computer, and jerking off a couple times, as I basically did the worst thing an actor can do, and "waited for someone to call").

I don't have much of a life; other than acting, I have nothing I'm passionately invested in; I don't have religion, I don't have family, I don't have causes, I don't have many friends (On a day-to-day basis, I'm basically down to Howard at this point), I don't even have any active hobbies (Except maybe this).

It's a problem.

And while I basically like "my other job" - at WW - it's also a source of stress, because 1) I don't make enough money to live on (Which, in turn, makes my pursuit of acting more stressful), and 2) I'm a good 30 lbs over my goal weight, and can't seem to get myself back on track, which makes me embarrassed and ashamed (How can I tell people how to lose weight and keep it off with a straight face, when I'm currently busting out of my size 38 pants?)...though apparently, I'm not "embarrassed and ashamed" enough to get my act together.

In short, I have "all my eggs in one basket" - Acting.

Acting is how I make (a good chunk of) my money, acting is when I actively do something I feel good about (And that other people "take interest in", which also makes me feel good), and acting "gets me out of the house" (Seriously, If I'm not working or doing something with Howard, I'm finding it harder and harder to get out of my apartment these days).

And acting, as we know, is a famously tough gig; if you're counting on it to fulfill your physical/emotional needs, you're basically screwed.

So I need other people in my life, I need other things to do, I need to find more money somewhere, I need other things that genuinely make me feel good (As opposed to what I do now, which are basically "things that distract me from feeling bad...whether they're good for me long-term or not").

So, I'm a relatively smart guy - Why am I not doing these things?

I feel overwhelmed.

And why is that?

Well, that's a little depression/anxiety, a little "I don't have any money" (To throw at doing new things, hanging out more, etc)...and a whole lot of "I'm really fucking tired".

I've said it before - It's really hard to "extend yourself" when there's a drumbeat in your head, "I'm so tired, I feel like shit, how can I do more when I don't even feel like doing what I'm doing already...?".

I do as little as possible most times because it actively feels bad to do more (Right now? I'm struggling to finish this entry because I'm dying to lie down).

And here's where "fatigue" intersects with "money woes"; I've been telling myself forever now that "I have to take another crack at my sleep issues"...but even with insurance, the amount I'd pay out in co-pays and deductibles (For Doctor's visits, a new sleep study, a new CPAP/surgical options, etc), is daunting, especially when acting isn't happening the way I want, and I've lost meetings at WW due to low attendance.

(And circling back around to acting, I just received notice from the union that I haven't made enough money to keep my insurance, so apparently, I'll now have to figure out insurance on my own. So - temporarily, anyway - I don't even have insurance.)

Which means, right now at least, there's no answer to the problem of "being too tired to do things", other than to "just do them anyway".

Which sounds exhausting.

previous - next