Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

12:30 am - Thurs 6/20/02
Insert Title Here

(Insert Title Here)

(Offline. Yesterday sometime.)

I thought I didn�t fantasize about her...

I actually made a point of it in a journal entry, how I couldn�t seem to �get off�

fantasizing about her, because I couldn�t make her into the typical �sex doll� of my rather

pedestrian dreams.

But it turns out I was fantasizing about her. I just wasn�t fantasizing about her

�that way�.

I was fantasizing that she found me attractive. I was fantasizing that she wanted me. I

was fantasizing that, �if circumstances were different...�, she would want to be

with me.

I was fantasizing that secretly, in her heart of hearts...she was in love with me.

But it turns out I�m just �a good friend�, a friend she wishes had the money �to have his

teeth fixed�.

When I told Jane about the conversation I had with Jennifer recently, I told her Jennifer

seemed almost grateful for the chance to talk (I kidded that �I know I�m a

great conversationalist, but still...�). I was happy to talk to her, but it was kind of

sad that she seemed so starved for conversation.

I think Jane took that as a sign that she needed to bust my bubble (I guess I sounded a

little too happy ); She told me �Yes, I think Jennifer considers you a good friend�,

but that there was nothing romantic there, Jennifer was concerned about �leading me on�

(More on that in a moment), and then the thing about my teeth.

When I said, �Did Jennifer say that, or are you saying that?�, Jane said,

�Jennifer said that...in so many words�.

So there we are.

I know Jennifer has led me on over the years, that she didn�t really mean the

flirtatious things she said. She was just using me to prop up her shaky self-esteem, to

establish her dominance over men (If you�re attractive and tell guys what they want to

hear, there�s not really much of a challenge there), and to get what she apparently

wasn�t getting from her husband.

But I wanted to believe. I�ve been alone for a long time now, and my self-esteem,

particularly considering my ability to attract women, has always been pretty

shaky (But by the same token, I�ve also had a wild, overly-optimistic side that�s thought,

�Why not me?�). It felt good to imagine someone I found so attractive and

appealing might feel the same way about me.

I didn�t really believe anything was going to happen between Jennifer and I, even

under the current set of circumstances. But I�d be lying if I said there wasn�t a fraction of

a percent of hope there.

And what else do I have to live for, if not that �fraction of a percent� of hope?

And Jane at some level has always wanted to squash that, because she�s

thought--mistakenly--that it was preventing me from seeking out more �realistic options�.

Well, congrats Jane. It�s squashed. I get the idea--It ain�t gonna happen.

Thanks.

(What�s next, Jane? What do you do for an encore? Do you tell me how I�m not going to

make it as an actor out here? I don�t have too many other unrealistic dreams left )

By being pissed off at Jane, I know I�m �killing the messenger� (The problem here, in my

mind, is that I don�t think I really needed to get that message. She just decided I

needed some kind of �wake up� call, like I�ve put my life on hold, and all I�ve been

waiting for is for Jennifer to �come to her senses�). But be that as it may, I�m

royally pissed.

And anything I said to the effect that I just want Jennifer to be happy? Well, fuck

that. She made her fucking bed, and she can lie in it (And if her husband

wets the bed every night in a drunken stupor, all the better). I�m done with telling

her how great she is, just so she can feel better about her life. Fuck that, and fuck

her.

_______________________________________________________________________

Wed 6/19/02

Looking over the last stuff I wrote...

I was feeling kind of stupid, to be writing what I wrote without talking to Jane first, like I

was afraid to talk to her directly, and was going to let Diaryland �do my talking for me�.

That seemed pretty weak.

So I called her. But I should have held off, cause I obviously wasn�t ready for that

just yet. If anything, I just got more angry.

This is obviously not �real� stuff we�re talking about here; This has just hit a couple of

my �buttons�; The way I feel about myself, my dissatisfaction with life, being alone, etc

and so on. And Jane didn�t mean to be hurtful, even if she was.

(She said she e-mailed me, realizing that things hadn�t gone well during out chat. I

haven�t read it yet, because of the aforementioned problems with the FreeNet.)

Well, work beckons (I�m going in an hour early today, so I can take two hours off, and sit

in on an �Acting as a business� workshop that�s happening at the store this evening).

 

previous - next

0 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!