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12:30 am - Thurs 6/20/02 (Offline. Yesterday sometime.) I thought I didn�t fantasize about her... I actually made a point of it in a journal entry, how I couldn�t seem to �get off� fantasizing about her, because I couldn�t make her into the typical �sex doll� of my rather pedestrian dreams. But it turns out I was fantasizing about her. I just wasn�t fantasizing about her �that way�. I was fantasizing that she found me attractive. I was fantasizing that she wanted me. I was fantasizing that, �if circumstances were different...�, she would want to be with me. I was fantasizing that secretly, in her heart of hearts...she was in love with me. But it turns out I�m just �a good friend�, a friend she wishes had the money �to have his teeth fixed�. When I told Jane about the conversation I had with Jennifer recently, I told her Jennifer seemed almost grateful for the chance to talk (I kidded that �I know I�m a great conversationalist, but still...�). I was happy to talk to her, but it was kind of sad that she seemed so starved for conversation. I think Jane took that as a sign that she needed to bust my bubble (I guess I sounded a little too happy ); She told me �Yes, I think Jennifer considers you a good friend�, but that there was nothing romantic there, Jennifer was concerned about �leading me on� (More on that in a moment), and then the thing about my teeth. When I said, �Did Jennifer say that, or are you saying that?�, Jane said, �Jennifer said that...in so many words�. So there we are. I know Jennifer has led me on over the years, that she didn�t really mean the flirtatious things she said. She was just using me to prop up her shaky self-esteem, to establish her dominance over men (If you�re attractive and tell guys what they want to hear, there�s not really much of a challenge there), and to get what she apparently wasn�t getting from her husband. But I wanted to believe. I�ve been alone for a long time now, and my self-esteem, particularly considering my ability to attract women, has always been pretty shaky (But by the same token, I�ve also had a wild, overly-optimistic side that�s thought, �Why not me?�). It felt good to imagine someone I found so attractive and appealing might feel the same way about me. I didn�t really believe anything was going to happen between Jennifer and I, even under the current set of circumstances. But I�d be lying if I said there wasn�t a fraction of a percent of hope there. And what else do I have to live for, if not that �fraction of a percent� of hope? And Jane at some level has always wanted to squash that, because she�s thought--mistakenly--that it was preventing me from seeking out more �realistic options�. Well, congrats Jane. It�s squashed. I get the idea--It ain�t gonna happen. Thanks. (What�s next, Jane? What do you do for an encore? Do you tell me how I�m not going to make it as an actor out here? I don�t have too many other unrealistic dreams left ) By being pissed off at Jane, I know I�m �killing the messenger� (The problem here, in my mind, is that I don�t think I really needed to get that message. She just decided I needed some kind of �wake up� call, like I�ve put my life on hold, and all I�ve been waiting for is for Jennifer to �come to her senses�). But be that as it may, I�m royally pissed. And anything I said to the effect that I just want Jennifer to be happy? Well, fuck that. She made her fucking bed, and she can lie in it (And if her husband wets the bed every night in a drunken stupor, all the better). I�m done with telling her how great she is, just so she can feel better about her life. Fuck that, and fuck her. _______________________________________________________________________ Wed 6/19/02 Looking over the last stuff I wrote... I was feeling kind of stupid, to be writing what I wrote without talking to Jane first, like I was afraid to talk to her directly, and was going to let Diaryland �do my talking for me�. That seemed pretty weak. So I called her. But I should have held off, cause I obviously wasn�t ready for that just yet. If anything, I just got more angry. This is obviously not �real� stuff we�re talking about here; This has just hit a couple of my �buttons�; The way I feel about myself, my dissatisfaction with life, being alone, etc and so on. And Jane didn�t mean to be hurtful, even if she was. (She said she e-mailed me, realizing that things hadn�t gone well during out chat. I haven�t read it yet, because of the aforementioned problems with the FreeNet.) Well, work beckons (I�m going in an hour early today, so I can take two hours off, and sit in on an �Acting as a business� workshop that�s happening at the store this evening).
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