1:26 pm - Thu 7/11/02
Toast-to already knowing what to do

Listening to The Best of Three Dog Night (I can't think of the band now without thinking of Three Dog Nightmare, which is the title of lead singer Chuck Negron's autobiography. Phil, back at Schuler Books, loved that title, and I think it's pretty good myself. But anyway...).

I went to bed around 4 am this morning (Since we have to stay later after closing at work now, I come home and just don't want to go to bed. I don't know what the deal is, but there we are). I woke up at 8, but lounged around in bed till 11:30. I feel pretty tired and foggy, but in my new spirit of optimism, I think I'm going to make it through the day.

This morning, I've eaten (A peanut butter sandwich and a cup of coffee), chatted with Kevin, read, watched part of Almost Famous, and listened to/sang to/danced around to various selections from the Hoffmaster cd archives.

It kind of started as I was watching Almost Famous, but I'm feeling a sense of nostalgia for good times I didn't actually experience, for possibilities that were maybe just not there for me, or that maybe I just let slip away (I'm too old and too bald to be a rock star now; You only get to be an old, bald rock star if you were once a young, hairy rock star). And I'm wondering--If various and sundry fantasies are probably not going to play out for me, what do I think is actually going to happen for me at this point?

The acting thing is very possible still. I have the goods, I have an interesting look and persona (I'm a "character", so age isn't as important as it might otherwise be) and once I decide to quit being so chickenshit about actually wanting it, there isn't any reason I can't find a place in that arena.

I'm not exactly young anymore, but I'm not so old that love and sex and all that good stuff is out-of-the-question. It's not seeming terribly likely right about now (There's the issue of having a tough time getting anyone to actually go out with me), and I'm going to put it "on the back burner" while I focus on my climb to the top, but there's no reason something couldn't happen on that front.

Beyond that? I don't know...We're also putting writing "on the back burner"--Other than Diaryland, of course--but I wouldn't close the door on doing something in that arena, should I discover I actually do have a story or two to tell (Honestly? I'd really like to be the type of person that is so creative that one medium of expression just doesn't cut it. Jane is right--putting a lot of focus on writing would take away energy and focus that should be on acting--but I would like her to not be right. I'd like to not be the guy that only has limited resources that he has to parcel out sparingly, lest he "run out of gas").

So what's happening today? Not much. All I really have planned is to ride to work a little later this afternoon, to pick up my paycheck (And I think I'm going to use that opportunity to look at The Hollywood Reporter and the Ross Reports. I'm particularly interested in getting the address for casting for Six Feet Under).

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to do something with Garrett. We don't really have the same tastes in movies, by and large, but I know he's probably going to be psyched to see Reign of Fire, and I wouldn't mind seeing that. Anyway, it's not really so much about the movie as it is hanging out with Garrett. He's a genuinely good guy (And I think I could learn a great deal from him about a better way to handle life's little uncertainties).

Have had a particularly bad run of feeling tired and out-of-sorts over the past number of days (Yesterday at work was particularly bad). It's been a period of time where I've had to work a lot to convince myself, "You're just tired, Jim. Beyond that, nothing is wrong, so don't look for reasons to feel bad, when you already know why you feel bad".

Energy. I need it. I need to find it. I need to find it, manufacture it, fake it, whatever. But I need something to "power the engine". I feel like I just need to make a better connection between "thought" and "deed" in order to get things out here going in the right direction.

I feel like I need to cultivate my faith, my belief that there's the possibility of many good things happening between now and...the end of "now", whenever that may be.

I've made my life small and stifling and something not worthy of me. But if I did that, I have to believe I can undo that, and start to work on expanding things a bit.

And I already know what to do.

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