12:04 am - 05.29.2012
Today is Memorial Day, another holiday that means little to nothing to me - Basically, it's just a day that means there will be no auditions, no mail, and no trips to the bank.
For me, it's like any other Monday - Monday being my normal day off - only less so.
I've always felt something of a distance from war/the military - Age-wise, I hit the "sweet spot" between wars (Too young for Vietnam, too old for our more recent adventures in Iraq and Afghanistan), I've never had family or close friends who served, and there really hasn't been an American military action in my lifetime that I completely understood or approved of (After 9/11, I was behind "getting Bin Laden", so never understood why we were in Iraq for years when he was in Afghanistan and/or Pakistan).
But all that said, there were certain Revolutionary Wars, Civil Wars, and World War II's that seem like right and necessary actions, and when I think along those lines, I'm certainly glad there were people willing to give life and limb so that I could be here, writing about how I don't "get" Memorial Day.
I've been thinking a lot lately about "pulling the trigger" - how it takes me a very long time to go from thinking I should do this or that thing to actually doing it...if I ever do.
It's something I've never given that much thought to before, at least not the way I am now, maybe because I've never been in my 50's before.
My advanced age is making me realize that, being optimistic (And assuming I don't get struck down by accident or disease first), my life is about two-thirds of the way over, and I don't have time to fuck around anymore.
If it occurs to me to do this or that, I need to worry less about the whys and wherefores, less about the possibility of disappointment or failure, and just do this or that.
Time's a'wastin' - truly.
Part of what has me thinking along these lines is "pulling the trigger" on contacting my brothers; when it comes down to it, all actually "doing the deed" involved was a little Internet research and sending out two one-page letters, maybe an hour's time, all told (The "Internet research" might have taken a little longer if Tim R. hasn't jumped on board and come up with addresses for the two "likely suspects", but you get the idea - It wasn't that hard).
And now I have a brother. Now I'm going to meet my biological mother, something I'd thought would never happen, something that probably would never have happened if I'd waited for her to have a change-of-heart.
Of course not everything I consider doing but hesitate "pulling the trigger" on is going to be so relatively easy, or have such a life-altering effect.
But the basic point here is "nothing happens if you don't do something"; I can't expect my life to be different, to be more interesting, to be better, if I'm too tired/lazy/afraid to take action, to try things.
I moved to LA to become an actor...and now I'm an actor.
I successfully joined Weight Watchers and lost - at my peak - 87 lbs (I'm in a bit of a struggle right now on that front - for the past two months, I've been 8-10 lbs over goal - but that doesn't negate the initial achievement. And since I know I can lose weight/control my weight, there's no question I will get this situation under control sooner-or-later).
And now I've pushed through whatever trepidation I was feeling to make contact with family (And am now planning a week-long visit in July). And now I have a brother who seems like a really good guy, and am going to meet the Mother I've never known.
And none of this would have happened if I hadn't taken action.
Nothing new or interesting or exciting happens if I just think about acting and never "pull the trigger".
And I no longer have the luxury of assuming I "have all the time in the world" to "pull the trigger".
And I want those new, interesting, exciting things to happen.
Just finished watching this week's episode of Mad Men...
I guess this falls under "A nice problem to have" - I guess - but it sometimes "bums me out" that I've had my little "moment in the sun" on shows like Mad Men and Parks and Recreation.
When I watch the shows now, I can't fantasize about being on them - the moment's come and gone - which I guess is why tv actors want to "graduate" from being "day players" and "guest stars" to "series regulars".
I've been telling people I'll be happy to go back to Shameless and Austin & Ally when the time comes, and I will (They're my first recurring roles, and it means a great deal to me that people liked what I did enough to want me back).
But I strongly suspect that the roles in question aren't going to be anything more than what they currently are.
And I need more - Money-wise, I need more of a career than that, and as an actor, I need more challenge.
It feels like the year's gotten off to a very bad start (I really feel like I should have booked something by now)...but there's still a lot of "year" left, and I just have to have faith that the opportunities will come, and something will "click".
Meanwhile, there are vacations to be had, family to be met, and "triggers" to be "pulled"...
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