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12:42 pm - Sat 12/4/04
\"Claire de lune\" And Other Tunes

Clair de lune And Other Tunes

Sat 12/4/04 (8:03 a.m.)

For some time now, I've wanted to write about Claire de lune, the musical composition by Debussy that I've fallen in love with this past year (I think that's interesting all by itself; I've heard the piece before, of course–And it's been used in at least two movies I saw in the theater–but only when I heard it in the store earlier this year, on a classical music compilation, did it utterly captivate me).

But I haven't known exactly what I wanted to say about it. Beyond how beautiful it is–and if there's a more beautiful, transcendent piece of music out there, I haven't heard it yet–I don't have words to articulate the effect it has on me, short of saying that I don't ever recall being moved to tears by a piece of music before, without it accompanying a sad scene in a tv show or movie.

I don't have the words to explain how it makes me feel. And I don't completely understand why it makes me feel the way it does, why it makes me ache inside. And while I have a vague, simplistic sense of why it "works", musically–something to do with musical "tension" and its subsequent, satisfying "release"–I'm not a musician, and I'm certainly no expert on classical music, so I can't really "deconstruct" the piece (And I'm not completely sure what the point of that would be anyway).

And as I've thought about the difficulty presented in writing about this, in how "I don't have the words", it's made me think about all the other things I don't write about in here because "I don't have the words", because I would be groping to express myself.

And I think I should perhaps "grope for words" more often.

Because maybe in that process, I would find the words.


Where the personal connects with the political: I'm embarrassed to admit this, but yesterday I actually thought "I hope things keep looking up for me personally, cause it'll distract me from being unhappy about the world outside my little bubble...".

I read the odd political article on the CNN website, and I watched Nightline for the first time in awhile this past week, but I've been only intermittently following the news of late, seeing the outside world as...well, as something outside. Vaguely interesting, perhaps, from time to time, but not really having much to do with my day-to-day existence.

I have been reading a lot of "Monday morning quarterbacking" about the election, explaining why Bush won and Kerry lost, what state the Democratic party is in now, etc and so on.

It's pretty depressing

But by and large, my attitude seems to be "I can't afford to get depressed about the world around me. I voted, it didn't work out, so now I'm just going to hunker down, get my personal shit done, and try and forget about how the wrong people are running every branch of the government".

That's probably not the right attitude to take, but my mind really wants to "cut and run" on this issue. It's too big, too depressing, too scary.

Too much for me.


This is not the way things usually go in my world–When I wrote about getting the G.E. gig, I was happy about it, in a tepid sort-of-way, but actually got happier about it as the day progressed.

(Typically, the way my mind works is that I get a happy piece of news, then as time goes on, the happiness degrades a bit, as I think about how, in one way or the other, the happy news is not really quite as "happy" as I originally thought.)

Here's what I wrote about the GE audition in an offline entry:

Monday's auditions were both SAG, but I doubt anything will come of them.

The first was for GE, and there wasn't much to it: I was posing for a group picture celebrating the completion of the transcontinental railroad, in 18-whatever (It's been about 25 years since my last "American History" class, so I'm a little fuzzy on dates here).

Basically, two trains pull up as the photographer is about to shoot, belching smoke all over the group, to soot-covered comic effect.

I tried, best I could, to dress the part, though I don't exactly have a lot of 18th century clothes in my closet. And everyone else I saw had attempted to dress "period" as well, except for one guy who was just in regular street clothes (I don't know if that puts him out of the running or not–I imagine "not", if they liked his "look"–but he certainly didn't make it easy for them, and I thought it made a terrible impression, like he just couldn't be bothered to make the effort).

So I wasn't as high on this particular audition as I was on some of the other ones this past week As I said, there "wasn't much to it", unlike some of the other auditions where I got to at least do a little acting.

And that's where I have to "pull back a bit", and remind myself of something I already really know: Commercials are not the "be-all-and-end-all".

They're not what I came out here to do, and if I'm looking for them to satisfy my acting itch, I'm barking up the wrong tree. They're a means to an end, and if I keep that in mind, I think I can better enjoy what they do have to offer, which is money, good on-camera experience, a fun day on the set, free food (Have I ever mentioned how much I like "craft services"?), and yes, maybe on occasion, a chance to act a little bit.

I was still feeling anxious about the whole SAG membership thing–Fearful that I was going to be compelled to sign up sooner than expected, and wouldn't have the money–but I just talked to Cary a short time ago, and he's going to loan me the funds (I'd be asking JS about all this SAG stuff, but he's been out of the office for most of the past couple weeks, with some kind of bad back situation. And I have a feeling that calling him at home for reassurances, while he's lying in traction, would not sit too well with him)

I would rather not need to ask Cary for the loan, but "better safe than sorry", as they say. And my desire to "float my own boat" aside, it's really not too big a deal: Either I won't need to sign up with SAG right away, and I can shoot the money back to him immediately, or else I will have to sign, but will be able to pay him back quickly with the Jack-In-The-Box money I'll have coming in.

So, life is basically good. I'm keeping my head in the sand about the world outside my door, and enjoying the fact that my personal fortunes are currently about as good as they've ever been, if not better.

And with that, I rest.


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