3:07 PM - Thurs 7.19.18
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Apparently, I'm living in fear of not meeting my obligations (Which is weird, since I have a sad little life and there aren't many obligations to meet at any given time) - Got a call this morning, and my first, anxious thought was, "It's someone calling to yell at me for not remembering to do something or meet them somewhere...!".

(FTR, it was just spam.)

I guess since I'm not typically obligated to anyone but myself (Short of "showing up for work", whether it's Weight Watchers or Shameless or making the all-too-rare audition), when there actually are any "extra" obligations, it can make me anxious. Even if those "obligations" should just be...fun.

I've had some "extra" things going on of late, but so far, the "obligation" part has been pretty minimal, and thus far, I've come through.

Was pretty heavily "obligated" this past Sunday (At least for me, when I typically have nothing to do after 1:30, when I'm done at WW) - I had a BBQ Mia was throwing at her place in Long Beach at 4:00, then I was supposed to see a friend's show, at 10 pm, at the Fringe Festival (The venue for which, happily, was close enough to my place that I took a Lyft there, then walked home).

I was just dreading this ultra-long day - I often refer to the weekend as "My tired-est days of the week" (Barring an early call for Shameless, I have to get up earlier on the weekends than any other day of the week), so I expected to have a really tough time "motoring through". And I was definitely not expecting to enjoy myself - All I could think of was feeling tired and stressed, wishing all the while that my day had effectively ended at 1:30.

But it all ended up being fine.

As Mia's gathering was originally planned, I would have been getting there in the middle of things (She wanted to have a "beach day" starting at 1:00, then transition into the BBQ, but the "beach" part didn't pan out), so I was actually able to go home, lie down for a bit, then head to Long Beach.

As I've been trying to do the past couple years when it comes to social events, I made an effort to time things so I wouldn't get there too early...but kinda got there too early anyway.

So I felt that initial awkwardness I always feel at any social event, particularly when I get there and the "event" hasn't really started.

But eventually things got rolling, and though I ate too much (Another issue with me and social events - they almost always involve food, and the combo of "food" and "social anxiety" is Kryptonite for me, in spite of ten years of Weight Watchers), I had a genuinely good time and was actually bummed when I realized I needed to leave in order to get to the other thing.

(And I was particularly pleased I was able to provide tunes for the party. There was some issue concerning the boombox Mia thought she was going to use like she couldn't find it or something, but I was able to grab my old Bluetooth speaker from my backpack, which made me glad I'd brought my backpack in the first place, even though I'd thought I didn't really need to. And my Pandora station default of "70s Funk" seemed to be appreciated by one and all, which was heartening - While it's certainly not the only music I enjoy, I will silently, secretly judge you if you don't like 70s-era Funk.)

It was a nice group of people, which was enjoyable in-and-of-itself but was also a positive omen for the TV project we're involved in (but more on that in the future...).

Getting home from Long Beach was quicker than getting there, so once again, I had some downtime in between things (Enough time that I could have just walked to the venue. But I wasn't sure exactly where it was and didn't know how long it would take, so I thought "Why not let the Lyft driver figure it out?").

Got there 15 or 20 minutes beforehand, which I thought was exactly the right time - They'd open the house, I'd go in, sit down, and spend a few minutes reading a graphic novel on my phone before the show started - but they didn't start letting people in till showtime, which meant standing on the sidewalk, feeling self-conscious because it seemed like I was the only one there by myself.

I worked with Matt G. on a commercial years back, and we're friends on Facebook, but that's about the extent of our relationship.

Nevertheless, I found myself wanting to see his one-man show, My Mother Died When I Was 14 (A Comedy), perhaps because of the intriguing title, but I think also because I thought it would be interesting to see this clearly deeply personal work from a guy I don't really know at all.

And it was good - It was funny, as advertised, but also sad and sweet and heartfelt (And there was music).

I was intrigued that this guy, who just seems like a nice, funny guy, has had issues with lifelong depression, social anxiety, and sleep issues, not to mention the trauma that gives the show its name (And while I was traumatized by puberty striking "early and hard", as I like to tell people - At 12, I was a bass who needed to shave - Matt didn't experience "the change" till he was in college, which I'm gonna say is exponentially worse).

And seeing his show made me wonder, not for the first time, if I have a one-man show in me (People have suggested this very journal would provide a wealth of material). I have, after all, my own set of "issues", and like Matt, have the ability to both be depressed and comically play "depressed".(And we both play some guitar...though I don't have any terrible love songs I wrote as a teenager).

So anyway, that was the Sunday I dreaded for days...and it actually ended up being pretty fun (I'm intrigued that fatigue wasn't nearly the issue I assumed it would be - It made me temporarily wonder if Zumba and working out have given me a little extra energy to work with, though I hadn't noticed any increased energy before and haven't noticed any since).

Anyway...

Barring an unforeseen circumstance - like getting an audition (More on those in a bit) - I'm going to start getting coaching from a voiceover actor friend on Monday.

I dabbled in voiceover a couple years back, when my Manager decided to try adding a voiceover division - I made a demo tape and did maybe a half-dozen auditions altogether, but nothing happened, and the whole thing kind of fizzled out.

But it feels like time to once again see if there's anything there. People have told me all my life I have a nice voice, so it would be lovely, if/when I can't get cast because of my looks, to have my voice to fall back on. "Multiple streams of income" and all that.

I'm very anxious about it - This isn't gonna be cheap (It's $50 an hour for the coaching alone, and I'm guessing that won't be the only expense I'll incur if I really try to do this) - but money anxiety aside, this feels like something I should try, because I need to "expand the possibilities" for getting paying work as an actor.

(Not to mention I would really like to actually "act", and I suspect voiceover work might allow me to explore characters I will never get to play on TV.)

Shooting my next Shameless on Tuesday, which should be fun (Just one scene, but a decent one).

And next month, I'm going to be working on a staged reading of my friend Liz's show, Look For Me..

It's basically going to happen over a week's time, from rehearsal to performance (So I'm taking off a week of Zumba and two days at Weight Watchers - And for what it's worth, I'm going to miss the Zumba more than I am the Weight Watchers).

As of this writing, I'm more "nervous" than "excited" about it...though I expect that to shift once I'm actually doing it. I think it'll be nice to be working on a live thing with other actors, and even if I'm currently more anxious about it than enthusiastic, I'm glad I said yes to it, cause that's what I'm supposed to do when this sort of thing comes up.

So as things stand, I'm on a TV show, I have a TV project in the works, and I'm doing a staged reading of a friend's play (Oh, and it's also a musical, which adds an interesting wrinkle).

It's mostly pending, and only Shameless really pays (The TV project hasn't started yet - Mia wants to pay people, but I'm not sure where the money for that is coming from - and the reading pays just enough that I'm not gonna lose money from taking the two days off from Weight Watchers).

But for what it's worth, this is about as much of an "Actor" as I've been since coming out to LA. So "hooray!" to me for saying yes, and hoping for the best.

Cause that's not my typical M.O.

Till next time...

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