2:00 P.M. - Mon 7.12.21
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So what's going on...?

As of this writing, Jane R. is a couple days into her recovery from surgery.

After a first day or so that was surprisingly tolerable - we had talked about things likely being more unpleasant than previously - she's having a tough time of it.

And I've gotta say, I don't think I could feel more sympathetic - what kind of cruel joke is it, to have a day that makes you think, "Maybe this won't be as bad as I thought...", only to have your body then turn around and say, "Psych! It's gonna be even worse than you thought!".

We FaceTimed during her "good day" and, on my end, I was happily surprised by how well she looked and - more to the point - spoke; having no idea what talking was going to be like for her, or whether she'd even be able to speak at all, I was impressed that she was quite understandable (She had to speak slower than normal, and some words were clearly easier than others to say, but we had an actual conversation. And I didn't know if that was gonna be a thing).

But that conversation was extremely effortful for her, and might have constituted her over-extending herself (Selfishly, I don't want to blame it for her subsequent downturn over the next couple days, but...?).

And my "She can speak better than I thought she might...!" is her, "Oh fuck! Is this what speaking is gonna be like for me now?".

I'm hoping her current difficulty speaking will at least be eased somewhat when she heals - In my world, she gets everything back at that point - but at this point, she doesn't know if or when she's going to be able to speak normally again (Much on her mind these days is how she's going to deal with film festivals).

She's got a follow-up with her Doctor on Wednesday.

Hoping it's going to be good/not-bad news - She wants to come back to LA at the end of the month or early in August, but if the Doctor says the wrong words, that won't be a thing.

(I hope it's a thing.)

On my end, I am worried, as you might imagine. But I'm trying to do something I'm not very good at doing normally, which is to worry about the situation in front of me and not something "down the road" that may or may not happen.

(Wish me luck on that.)

In a bit, I'm going to be teleconferencing with a psychiatrist about medication (I'm currently taking a 150 mg "starter dose" of Wellbutrin, which I've been taking for going on a month, so far with no discernable effect).

I started with a different place, but ended up "firing" them, so upping my dose of Wellbutrin to something that might help me has been delayed (I'd had an initial prescription for just two weeks - this after trying Lexapro for two weeks previously - but my regular Dr wrote a new prescription to "tide me over" till I get set up with the new place).

At this point, I'm just hoping I'll get the go-ahead, and it'll help with what's ailing me.

As I think I've said in here before, I've been pretty ambivalent about medicating my mental issues - I've made half-hearted efforts before, but never saw it through.

But at this point, whatever my reservations (A feeling that I should be able to "deal" with my shit without it, a fear it'll somehow "flatten me out" or leave me unable to "access" part of myself, etc), I feel like I've wrestled with my demons long enough and it's time to give pharmaceuticals a shot.

Just got off the phone with Jane R.

I was vaguely uncomfortable with what I'd written about her earlier - Simply because it's more writing about another person and their circumstances than I typically do - but she said it was fine.

We had a nice conversation, had a lot of laughs, but it was taxing for her.

She wanted me to call specifically to tell her how the Zoom with the psychiatrist went.

I kind of thought the Zoom would be a perfunctory affair - 10 or 15 minutes, he'd tell me I could up my dosage, and send me on my way - but we actually talked for over an hour.

(I would kind have preferred "perfunctory", to be honest. I have done a lot of therapy over the years - a lot - and I feel kind of "therapied-out".)

He told me I could up my dosage of Wellbutrin (From 150 mgs to 300) and I'm supposed to talk to him again in three weeks.

I said I would consider starting back up with therapy, and that I would see a Dr about the sleep apnea.

I don't want to do either of those things.

I've talked about my stuff with I don't know how many therapists over the years and it hasn't done shit (And a weekly visit to a therapist, even with my copay, means adding $100 a month to my bills at a time when no regular money is coming in. Which, ironically, means seeing a therapist would make my life more stressful).

And if I go to a sleep apnea guy again, all he's going to say is that I need to get another sleep study, which will cost me, and means an unpleasant, even more sleepness night than usual, and which will tell me - SURPRISE! - that I have mild-to-moderate sleep apnea, meaning I'm not eligible for any therapy other than CPAP, and I already have a fucking CPAP machine.

But I would like to have more energy, be more motivated, and not feel bad most of the time, so...I should at least consider "splitting the difference" (i.e. seeing if my former therapist would consider seeing me on a short term basis or every couple weeks or the like, and at least getting my CPAP out of mothballs and giving that another try before trudging back to the "You'll need to have a new sleep study" Doctor).

Well, I could go on...but it doesn't get any better than this.

Till next time...

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