Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

9:50 AM - Thurs 9.03.20

Thoughts Of A Difficult Future
(An odd fact to start off this entry: I now have someone with the screen-name "poop" following me on Twitter. But anyway...)

Other than Shameless - which is a pretty big "other", I admit - I don't really have a lot of "news" to report...but I have the urge to write, so I'm gonna write. And hope something interesting happens.

At this point, have had three "virtual table reads" - for the first three episodes (I'm not in #4) - and my basic feeling has been "Well, it's nice to be working again...but this just isn't the same as 'being there'". I've missed seeing the regular cast "live" (The only time I ever see most of the Regulars), I miss the laughs (Since we're on Zoom, we're asked to "mute" ourselves whenever we're not in a scene), and I miss the free lunch.

There's a part of me that really wants to hash out what happens in those first three episodes (And particularly what happens to my character in the first episode)...but of course, I can't do that (Which is why private journals are a thing).

As of yet, I don't have a shoot date (Or dates - They'll be shooting all the Alibi scenes in those first episodes back-to-back) but my first COVID test is this coming Tuesday, so I assume I'll be shooting my stuff sooner rather than later.

(Was a tad..." concerned" about the unpleasantness of the test. But our AD in charge of all things COVID says it's not the "brain-tickler" we've heard about but, rather, a swab that only goes half-way up the nose. So that went a good way toward easing my lightly-troubled mind.)

After the first three episodes, I'll be sitting out #4 - Beyond that, I don't know what's happening but am hoping that they'll use me as much as they have in the last couple seasons.

But there are no guarantees.

Just hoping I'll make enough from this last season of the show to get me from "Here" to "There" (Wherever "there" is - Hopefully, my next series...and my first "Series Regular" role. But if not that, at least till I can start collecting early Social Security).

Would also be nice to make enough to qualify for a decent amount of Unemployment the next-time-around. And to qualify for health insurance.

(I'm a greedy bastard, ain't I?)

Jane R has mentioned coming back to LA in three weeks to do more stuff for the film (She's gotten some feedback that a few things in the film need a little more clarification).

At first, I was somewhat concerned because it seemed like she was just going to come out and "let the chips fall where they may" in terms of my schedule - I wouldn't want her to make plans to come out for a week, week-and-a-half, only to have to tell her I'm not available a good chunk of that time because of Shameless. I think that would frustrate both of us - but seems she's prepared at this point to wait till I know what's what, then plan accordingly (Though she also has to deal with Seth, our DP, who's going to be away for a good chunk of October - Coordinating this kind of shit is reason #57 why "I Would Never Want To Be A Director").

In any case, whenever she comes out, for however long, that'll be nice - Not only am I quite fond of her, she's also pretty much the only regular "people contact" I have these days (Which is sometimes worrisome to me...but that's the stuff of another entry...or that "private journal" I mentioned earlier").

(Speaking of Jane R, just checked my phone, and apparently the package she sent me has arrived! One moment please...)


(...and I'm back! After being texted, then speaking to the woman herself...)

In a world where there's not much to look forward to (Before COVID, it was already down to "auditions", "gigs" and "packages from Amazon"), it's particularly nice to get this little parcel of goodies from Jane - Everything from treats for Hamlet, to a photobook of her most recent LA photographs (And a picture of her I particularly like), to the I-Phone 7 (And charger) she no longer needs since she's upgraded to the new fancy-schmancy I-Phone 11.

(The software upload on this thing has been going on forever, leading me to think it may not upload at all. Guess we'll see...)

That line about there "not being much to look forward to" has me thinking about something I just keep returning to since COVID - It feels like I'm being guided, over and over again, to basically, "Be here now".

That's a real challenge for me - I think if you wanted to create a lifelong "Anxious Person", you'd pretty much give them my childhood - but I don't see any other way to be happy than to shake off, as much as possible, regrets about the past and fears of the future.

I increasingly struggle with anxious thoughts about a difficult future.

But here's the thing - If I basically spend my time "living in an anxious, difficult 'future'", I can't be happy now.

And now is pretty much all there is.

And on that philosophical note, I gotta wrap this up, because Mark and Jane Z are going to call any second...

Till next time...



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!