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4:13 pm - Sat 7.21.2012
Embracing Uncertainty

Fearing Embracing Uncertainty

Tried to start this last night.

Didn't work.

So what's up?

Honestly? I don't feel good, physically or otherwise (And I'm guessing at least some of the "otherwise" is specifically because I don't feel good physically. But anyway...).

The big news of the week?

Monday I shot my first Shameless episode of the coming season; I didn't have much to do - a brief exchange with "Frank" - but it was nice to be on the set again.

Afterward, my "Inner Actor" conflicted with my "Inner Lazy Guy" - I had a 6:30 am call, and was done by mid-morning, so "Inner Actor" was disappointed ("That's all I get to do? WTF?"), while "Inner Lazy Guy" felt like he'd "gotten away with something" ("It's 10:30 in the morning, my work day is over, and I just made almost a thousand dollars - Sweet!").

One thing that makes me feel hopeful? It was the second episode of the season, which I'm pretty sure is the earliest I've showed up in a season so far, meaning there's a chance I could be in more episodes than last season (For the record? I was in three episodes last year).

So anyway, Shameless is now shooting its 3rd season, and I'm still on the show, and that's a good thing (Side note - ran into Emmy Rossum coming in as I was on my way out. I was extremely pleased she remembered me, since we only worked together on the one episode the first season, though we did run into each other on the set once last year).

So I'm expecting there will be more work from Shameless, and hopefully more from Austin & Ally as well (I was told there would be more work for me at the A&A wrap party, but time will tell).

But my current obsession is booking new gigs - Cause even if I book more episodes on my current shows than I did last year (and there's no guarantee I will), that won't pay the bills all by itself.

I need to "grow the business", "establish the brand", and...act more.

Last year was a big year, becoming a recurring character on two separate shows, and I'm proud of that.

But, at the same time, it was troubling that I had my least successful year in a long time in terms of the ratio of auditions-to-booked-gigs; take away Shameless (Because that wasn't really a "new" gig, but came from the previous year's success) and I only booked three "new" gigs in the entire year, my poorest showing since 2006.

(11:17 pm)

It doesn't help me in the slightest to obsess over booking acting gigs - especially not during a traditionally slow time-of-year - but I've had a hard time stopping that runaway train since I got back from WV.

And there are the usual reasons for that - freaking out about money, wanting to act, wanting to progress in my career, etc - but if I'm honest with myself, one reason is that I enjoyed the attention I got on Facebook with the story of my going to WV to meet Mom and Tony and everybody, and I want more "cool stuff" to report (And as I said in a Facebook status, regarding the WV trip, "That's probably the last big thing that's gonna happen in my personal life for awhile, so now I'm looking for big things to happen on the career front").

Even though the trip to WV was a big success, I've somehow let it become an "issue" since I've been back.

There's something about not knowing "What happens now?" that really troubles me (Is that the second time I've referred to being "troubled" in this entry?).

I'm not good with uncertainty - Not exactly a shocker, that the former foster child has a problem with not knowing what's going to happen - and that feels like a fairly serious problem, not just in this situation (Where I'm wondering, "Okay, now I'm part of a family - What now?), but in life.

Cause when it comes down to it, what exactly do I have in life that I can feel absolutely certain about?


Not too much.

So I'd better start "embracing uncertainty", or else the rest of this ride's going to be be pretty rough.


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