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11 PM - Fri 2.27.15
Be An Actor, And Never Be Unhappy Again!

Be An Actor, And Never Be Unhappy Again!

I'm not doing so great.

I haven't been doing so great since the commercial job - and I don't know, for a certainty, that that's the reason...but it kinda feels like it is.

The job definitely beat me up - It was two long days (Three if you count the day before, with the recording and the fitting, with the Fruit-of-the-Loom callback in between).

And even if it was mostly just lots of "hanging out" (There was maybe six or seven hours of out-and-out "work" during that time), it was way more tiring and stressful than any regular three-day period of time I experience (I really didn't enjoy all the driving I had to do that Wednesday, for example. Kind of hated it, actually). I had to deal with a lot of new people, and getting to places I've never been, and waiting for long stretches of time for something to start happening, when I was super-tired and just wanted to lie down.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining - not exactly - but just working out why I immediately got sick after the shoot; maybe coincidence, but I think the circumstances provided just enough stress and disruption of my normal schedule to lay me low (Not to mention that when I did "work", it was - although fun - also stressful, certainly more stressful than your average WW meeting).

So I caught a cold, and I'm still "not quite right" really.

But I'm not complaining - I'm really not.

I'm actually worrying - Asking myself, "Do I not have the energy to do what I supposedly came out here to do anymore?".

But the "getting sick" part of my week-long funk could be as simple as "You were around a bunch of people, and one of them had a cold".

The "emotional stuff" I've kind of dealt with before - I book a thing, I'm all excited about doing the thing, I do the thing, then the thing is over, and I'm immediately on to worrying about the next thing (Actually, I started worrying about "the next thing" while I was still shooting the commercial, checking my phone for audition messages at every free opportunity) - but this time, with the added "stuff" of it being kind of hard, and not tremendously enjoyable every single moment.

That's an odd expectation/desire I have (That when I book a thing, it's just gonna be "fun") - even though I should know better at this point (there's a large dose of tedium, and a fair amount of stress that comes along with the "fun") - but I feel like it's even more of an expectation that other people have for me.

I want to write honestly about whatever's going on, but I kind of feel like I'm "letting people down" if I don't make my work sound like a party.

And the fact is, I'm disappointed about that myself.

Acting turns out to be a job - A job I want to do, mind you, and a job that pays well (When I get to do it)...but a job nevertheless.

It's a job that, if you do it right, you get all kinds of nice attention from people, but that doesn't mean you don't get tired and bored on the set, or frustrated, or impatient, or what-have-you.

Like anyone does at their job.

This line-of-thinking brings up the fundamental mistake I made about acting very early on (And my understanding this is a very recent development) - the appeal of "acting" when I was very young was the idea of "disappearing into imaginary worlds" and "Not being myself".

Escape.

I was not happy, and I didn't find the world a happy place, so I wanted to escape into the fantasy world of tv and movies, which is what I thought "acting" was.

But acting is not about my "escaping" anywhere - It's about helping you escape (And there are definitely worse things than entertaining you, don't get me wrong, and I do enjoy it and feel gratified by it...but it doesn't involve me disappearing into a fantasy world and not feeling unhappy ever again, so in that regard, it's kind of disappointing)

I wonder if that's why so many actors seem unhappy, because they made the same mistake I did, and thought they were signing up to not feel sad and lost anymore?

____________________

Sat 2/28/15 (10:53 pm)

Had a tv audition on Thursday, for a TV Land sitcom I didn't know existed (I'd thought I was going in for a new show till I downloaded the script and saw that the show is actually in its 4th season).

It went miserably.

And no, I'm not being "hard on myself". It went worse than any audition has gone in years, so bad that, when I got home, I basically took to my bed the rest of the day (This was around 1pm).

I'm not going to say much more about it than that, because I decided the next day that I didn't want to "luxuriate" in my dismal performance (I hear people do that at WW a lot - seeming to actually kind of enjoy telling on themselves about how "bad" they'd been the night before, when they overindulged or what-have-you - and I think I've done that a lot myself.

And while it might be good for stand-up or a funny essay, I don't know that it does me any favors in the long run. In fact, I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

And I don't need to do a big post-mortem in here, because I already know what went wrong.

So I'll just say, on the bad side, that it was very bad indeed, and I very much wish to not repeat that kind of performance anytime soon.

And on the good side? While it's never cool to stink at an audition, at least I stunk it up for a show I didn't even know existed before the audition.

But it does leave me eager to "move on to the next one"...because however "disappointing" it is that acting isn't the "escape from reality" I'd envisioned as a child, I still strongly prefer doing it to not doing it.


 

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