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10:41 am - Wed 2/20/02 SHOULDN'T that line read, "Food makes life POSSIBLE"? Just asking... I'm e-mailing Jane right now, and I said something to her, of not much consequence, but something I wanted to drop in here: A minor annoyance, but something that feels amusingly symbolic--My "Attitude" coffee cup ("Attitude--A small thing that makes a big difference") has apparently succumbed to one-too-many trips through the microwave; big "bubbles" have formed on the inside and on the bottom, causing it to "list" to one side when I set it down. It doesn't have quite the resonant symbolism of my cat crawling into my bag and pissing on my copy of "Feeling Good", but STILL... Another minor annoyance, but one that, kind of surprisingly, has continued to annoy me for months now; At the Borders where I work, we don't have bookmarks. The story I've heard is that they USED to have bookmarks, but then their hours changed, and I guess that was that; Getting bookmarks with the new hours was just too much of a logistical nightmare or something. Who knows? I know this isn't that big a deal, but it BUGS me, because I think it speaks, in microcosm, to both the way the store RUNS (Poorly) and how I feel about the store (Somewhat embarrassed). People DO ask for bookmarks, and we should HAVE them. But we don't. It's a multi-bazillion dollar organization in the business of selling books that can't spring for free bookmarks that would probably cost them a penny apiece or less. Anyway... I'm not in a good mood. I don't feel good physically. I'm having a hard time shaking off my disappointment about the "Crossing the Line" script. I don't want to go to work later this afternoon, and all my emotions are heavily weighted in the "negative" end of the spectrum. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm...feeling empty. And I'm scared. And for some reason, I'm ANGRY at myself for feeling that way. With "Crossing the Line", I just feel like I got something I thought I wanted, and found a giant hole in the center, which should be filled by the only thing that really MATTERS--A well-written story that's worth DOING. But maybe it'll play better than it reads. And even if it's not a very good show, and even though that's very IMPORTANT to me, it's still true that I need to be DOING things here. And maybe I'll meet someone who can help me. Maybe someone will see the show who will see that I can deliver even if the show doesn't. Maybe maybe maybe... But it's just hard, because I don't WANT to do things that make me embarrassed and uncomfortable to be involved. BUT, like Lauren said last night, I'm not responsible for the script. All I'm responsible for is doing the best I can with it. And no one who wants to do this shit for a living gets to do great stuff ALL the time. If this particular project doesn't turn out to be everything I hoped and dreamed (And with this script, and two rehearsals a week, how COULD it?), maybe that's just me starting to "pay my dues". That's something I said when I was chatting with Kevin earlier this morning--I think one of my problems out here has been that, emotionally, I feel like I've been "paying my dues" for the past 20 years, so I feel frustrated, and impatient for something to happen NOW. But truth to tell, the past twenty years were about me AVOIDING "paying my dues". I haven't been trying to be a professional actor for the past twenty years. I've actually just BEGUN. And now I'm REALLY depressed... $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Something else I've been thinking about a lot these days is the tension between how I'd write in here if I was an actual WRITER, and how I write in here because I'm just ME. What I MEAN by that is that, if I were what I think of as a "Writer", everything I go through and observe would be fodder for Diaryland. I wouldn't avoid writing about things because they wouldn't reflect well on me, or might make me spiral into more of a depression, or might hurt someone's feelings, or what-have-you. I think if I wrote in here with less restraint, if I didn't censor myself in order to present my most appealing face to the world (Or at least to not present my most UN-appealing face to the world), I would probably be a better writer. And a part of me WANTS that; I'm flattered and pleased when people compliment my writing, and there's a part of me that wants to EXPLORE, to see if there's more there than I've tapped as of yet. And this just segued in my mind to the more general question of why I feel unable to fully commit myself to ANYTHING I say I want to do. FEAR. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. A real difficulty in dealing with frustration. But all that stuff is the process of LIFE, of getting from A to Z (Or as I'm feeling right now, from A to B). Nothing happens without risk, without sacrifice. I'm mad at myself. FURIOUS. WHY? I just feel so WEAK all the time. Something always HURTS, something's always WRONG. I'm always SAD, or BORED, or FRUSTRATED. How come just the basics of getting through life are so fucking HARD for me? (And this was a REALLY bad day to get a notice in the mail for an outstanding ticket for parking in a handicapped space, which I never DID, because the ticket was issued AFTER I sold the car. But I was SUPPOSED to register this sale with the DMV, which I DIDN'T, so I might be on the hook to the tune of $330 or more. ARGGGGHHHH!!!!) Well, the "writer" says to go on and spew some more, but the "person" says, "Jim, you're just digging yourself into a major HOLE here. Why don't you lay down for a bit?" Screw it...I'm laying down.
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