12:01 PM - Weds 5.26.21
Some time back, I realized most of my thoughts center around finding some "unified theory" of my life.
(And when I refer to a "unified theory of my life", I mean a theory answering every instance of how/why "things have gone wrong" in some way or another.)
The closest I've come so far - and I think it's pretty good - is that the big reason things aren't as good for me as I wish they were, or think they "should" be, is that I've been ruled by fear all my life.
So I'm working on that.
More recently, I've been wondering what's going on in my head these days - I'm getting Unemployment, I have money in the bank (So I'm not having to scramble for some shitty day job), I'm keeping myself fed and watered, I've been enjoying having Jane R. around (Since she's taken up part-time residency here in LA), and in many respects, I'm "living my best life" (Or my "second-best life" anyway. My "best life" would be one where the reason I'm not working a shitty day job is because of my kick-ass Series Regular role on a great TV show and all the good things that are springing from that.
But while the days are sometimes quite pleasant, I'm also wrestling with a fair amount of depression and anxiety (As evidenced by the fact that I'm video-conferencing with a psychiatrist tomorrow so I can get myself medicated).
I've hypothesized that I'm struggling with the dearth of social contact (Since Weight Watchers went away last year, then Shameless a couple months ago, I'm done with "work friends". Which, other than Jane, and a weekly call from Mark and Jane Z, leaves "the cashier at Ralphs" as the only social contact I have on a regular basis).
Or perhaps I'm struggling with a "sense of purpose" - Even if Weight Watchers wasn't my raison d'etre, even if I logically knew my being there wasn't keeping the ship afloat, I felt a part of something...which made it a genuine blow to realize I was an "inessential" part of an essentially inessential business.
Likewise with Shameless - Even if I knew I wasn't the reason anyone was tuning in, it was nice to feel I was "a part of something", however small my contribution (And of course, while I knew it had to end - and was lucky things went on as long as they did - that doesn't mean I don't feel a tad bereft now that it's gone).
Those are pretty valid reasons to be struggling at times.
But I think there's something bigger...
With no family, no God, no career, no nothing, really, my big "reason to live", pretty much for my entire life, has been the hope that "things could still get better".
That's a notion that's been under assault for some time now, really - If I'm honest, I largely quit believing things were going to get "better" for me years ago (The belief that "things could get better" was, over time, replaced by the fearful, hope-against-hope that they just wouldn't get worse). I have vestiges of hope, but as time goes on, it's almost like, "Hope for what...?"
It's possible the documentary could "do something for me", and it's possible I could end up in a better role on another show, neither of those things is something I can really "grab onto" or have any control over.
It's always the case, really, but more than most times, this feels a frighteningly uncertain period in my life where nothing is guaranteed - This could really be the time when things aren't going to get better. Where the struggle will be to just "hold the line".
And it's just a mental hop, skip, and a jump from " things aren't going to get any better" to " things are about to get much worse".
That's the fear. That's why I'm looking into getting some brain drugs.
I don't feel like there's much to do with that fear except to acknowledge it...then act the other way. There's certainly not much to be gained by "leaning into it"; by assuming the feeling "This could be where things really start to go bad" is valid, I could very well make that come true ahead-of-schedule.
Because let's be real - getting older, more infirm, losing people I care about, and dying is the future. All that shit really is going to happen (Unless I get hit by a bus after writing this entry). Hoping that "things could get better", at this point, is "hoping that there are still some good times ahead before things start to go really bad..."
But in order to do my bit to assure there are "still some good times ahead", I have to live my life as if I'm still the same bright-eyed 39-year old who blew into town with a dream...
Anyway, speaking of "dreams", I have a dream of bringing this entry to a close (It's Friday morning as I write these concluding lines), because I want to make this currently shapeless, formless day one I feel good about by the time I go to bed.
Till next time...