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11:58 AM - Mon 10.05.20

The Me I Used To Be

(Just finished a podcast about what's going on, so it'll be interesting to see how this goes...)

I started off my podcast talking about Trump being hospitalized with COVID-19, and how I've felt guilty for my feelings (Let's just say I haven't been emotionally wrecked by my grief and leave it at that).

While I don't think the guy is going to die - because life doesn't typically tie things up in such a neat little bow - I have thought, "Better this guy die than recover, then use said recovery to downplay the virus" (Because come on - Do you think this idiot is going to grow a sense of decency and humility now? ).

But I don't want the country to be thrown into that kind of turmoil.

And I don't want him made into a martyr (It's hard for me to see how that happens because I'm essentially sane...but his batshit crazy acolytes would find a way).

Better to have him be trounced at the polls, in so decisive a manner even Republican fuckery can't overcome it.

(And just took enough of a break to read he's coming home from the hospital today, apparently against the advice of his doctors. And, of course, he's still downplaying the virus because that's just who this POS is.)


Had a theatrical audition - for a Fox drama - that I recorded Saturday night (A "self-tape" audition, rather than the kind of "Zoom audition" I've been craving).

I'm still at the point where I find these a trial, rather than something to be excited about - I get anxious and unhappy at what should be one of the best things to happen to a working actor, which is being given a chance to work.- and as you might imagine, that's not the optimal mental space to be in for doing your best work.

I've got to learn to love these motherfuckers. And that means playing with the tools until I know what I'm doing and don't feel like they're an impediment,

To that end, I recently ordered a new frame for my backdrop (Because the one I have is not the one I need - I can't do an audition standing up and frame myself the way I need to. So I had to sit Saturday night when I should have been standing. Which might not sound like that big a deal...but it is).

I have to do better. Right now, I know I'm not coming across the way I need to on-camera.

And that just ain't right.

Spending a good chunk of the day Saturday working on the audition (working on lines, setting things up so I wouldn't waste Mike's time, etc), then doing it so badly (And ultimately, wasting Mike's time) left me feeling sadder and more deflated than I've felt in quite some time.

(Even though Mike is a good guy and doesn't make me feel like I need to rush on his account - this is at least the third time we've done this - every blown take or technical issue feels embarrassing and stressful and like "I'm wasting his time", which doesn't help the audition - One of my goals, moving forward, is not just to do great auditions, but to knock them out so quickly and easily and angst-free that it's not much of an imposition to ask a friend like Mike to help me out.)

But I can do this. I just have to put in the fucking work.

Sunday was a low-key day, mostly spent "in church" (i.e. Watching atheist call-in shows "Talk Heathen" and "The Atheist Experience" during the day, then "The Line" in the evening - Haven't decided yet if adding the third show recently is too much "atheist church"...or just enough).

In-between (and sometimes "during"), I dozed - which I do often on Sunday - and read a book, which I do much less often.

I bought Sally Field's autobiography (In Pieces) for my Kindle some time back and, as is often the case these days, I read a couple pages and abandoned it.

But it was a good time to pick it up again - I was really depressed about acting Saturday night and needed her story of struggle and triumph (...and more struggle) - I can't explain exactly how it gave me hope...but it gave me hope.

Hard to imagine, as I head toward sixty, that I'm going to leave behind anything remotely close to Ms. Field's legacy - From Gidget to Norma Rae and beyond (Two Oscars and Three Emmy's is pretty fucking impressive in my book) - but it did help me regain the notion that, if I persevere, if I really want to do. good work, it can still happen.

Beyond that, I just like that I'm reading - As a kid, I was reading the cereal box at the kitchen table, the shampoo bottle in the shower, and always had a book going.

That's one of my favorite things about the me I used to be.

And I miss it.

And on that note, I think I've done enough - time for one of those "naps" i mentioned earlier.

Till next time...



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