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10:16 PM - Tues 3.17.15
But anyway... Though I'm not actually depressed or upset right at this moment, it occurs to me that I have been having a very difficult time of things emotionally for quite awhile now; it just feels like I'm in a hole, and I might have a burst of energy, and pull myself partway out...but then I lose my footing, and tumble to the bottom again. A good chunk of it is the usual chronic, crushing, "I-wish-this-would-end-but-it-never-will-until-I'm-dead" stress over money - the fact that WW is struggling, my acting career continues to limp along, I'm feeling older and tireder by the day, and I don't seem to have the energy or the wherewithal to figure out what to do about any of it, means I spend a fair amount of my mental time depressed and angry over my personal failings, and deeply fearful of a future that looks anything but bright. And increasingly, I don't see much of a point, to any of it - It's astronomically unlikely I'm going to get anything remotely close to what I want from acting at this point (financially or artistically), and succeeding-at-acting is the closest thing I have to a "raison d'etre" (Instead, what I have is the constant fear that the trickle of auditions and gigs I currently have are going to dry up, and I'll spend my remaining days waxing nostalgic about the "career" I used to have). I don't have much of anything, I haven't really created anything, I don't have much in the way of love or connection or meaning in my life. On top of which, I feel terrible most of the time physically...and I know, realistically, it's only gonna get worse moving forward. It's been a massive disappointment, after a lifetime of wanting to "rise above" my unfortunate early circumstances, to realize I have flat-out, unequivocally, failed - that's really been my "raison d'etre" ("Being a famous actor" was just my childish fantasy of what that would look like), and there's no way in hell I can look at who I am and where I'm at in life, as a 53-year-old man, and say I've "risen above" anything. That's the stuff I've been thinking. But all that said, I have moments. Life is not all misery and stress, where I never have a happy moment. Back to Justified earlier - As I settled in to watch it on my computer, with my 1-litre bottle of Diet Coke and my can of pineapple, with my air conditioner on (because my apartment has no ventilation, and it's been unseasonably warm lately), I was very aware that, at that moment, even though I don't have much, I was safe and comfortable, getting to eat and drink what I like, while watching one of my favorite tv shows (That I actually got a shot at being on once), and it was very nice. I do not think I've succeeded in life - Not in the practical, financial sense of acquiring things (Or getting to have experiences that money can provide), or in the more intangible, "creating a life that mattered" sense. I don't think I've done anyone in my life that much good, and I certainly haven't managed to do myself many favors, and I think I'm pretty close to being out-of-time - If I'm not struck down prematurely in some way or another (by illness or injury or...whatever), I still have a hard time imagining myself living much beyond another 20 years (And considering how bad I feel now, the prospect of 20 more years of decline is pretty daunting). But if I can get over wanting my life to mean anything, and focus on the fact that sometimes I get to drink soda and watch tv, and play on the computer, and masturbate, and eat, and ride my bike, and have pleasant interactions with people, and do all kinds of little things I enjoy, maybe I can eke out a modest little "win" over my "unfortunate early circumstances" just by enjoying myself as much as I can, whatever my circumstances, and not being angry and bitter that my life didn't amount to anything more than that.
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