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7:08 am - Thu 2/14/02 Well, I saw this coming, but couldn't seem to do anything about it anyway--I didn't get much done this "weekend" (I'd had Thursday and Friday off, worked two days, then had Monday and yesterday off. When I saw this week's schedule, the first thing I thought was "But I don't WANT another weekend so soon...."). Yesterday, I called the theater where the play readings are supposed to happen, and left a message, but the guy never got back to me, so that didn't happen. The only other "acting thing" I did, or tried to do, was go to AFI (the American Film Institute) to submit my headshot for film projects. But guess what? It's just for SAG members (SAG is the Screen Actors Guild, for those not in the know). So that didn't happen either (In retrospect, I think someone--Maybe Mark at work--had TOLD me you had to be in SAG, but I conveniently forgot). I didn't send out any headshots over the past couple days--the last time I sent anything out was on Friday--didn't do any housework, didn't really do much of anything that might be defined as "productive" (That's in large because I didn't HAVE to; I still had food, so I didn't shop, and I still had clean clothes, so I didn't launder. But anyway...). (I'd be doing this "online" right now, but Andrew, the Diaryland "webmaster", is doing some some sort of magical/technical voodoo with the site.) So what have I done over the past couple days? I rented some videos ("Shrek" and "Ghost World". I'm kinda watching "Ghost World" right now). And saw "Monster's Ball" yesterday afternoon. (A nice thing about seeing "Monster's Ball" was that I got to see if for FREE; I'd gone to see it this past Friday, but the print hadn't arrived at the theater, so the manager handed out free passes to the people who had shown up for the afternoon viewing. I was pretty happy, since it didn't really matter WHEN I saw the movie; I ended up seeing "Storytelling" instead at the Los Feliz 3 ) I thought the acting in the movie was quite good, but the movie didn't really "work" for me. It seemed like a film class project, where the student just lucked out somehow and got really talented actors to do his mediocre screenplay. What everyone in the media has focused on is the graphic love scene between Halle Berry and Billy Bob. I've often argued, in agreement with some critic I read years ago, that graphic love scenes tend to take you OUT of the movie; It's hard to see a scene like that and not think, "those actors are NAKED", and just be turned-on, or turned-off, or embarrassed, or whatever. But that said, I thought the scene in "Monster's Ball" was pretty effective. I thought it communicated the characters sadness and need about as directly and clearly as anything could. (Carrie just saw the movie too. It was interesting to read her comments. And I don't want to "review her review", but I will say this much--Women are tougher on other women, and by extension, on themselves, than any man has EVER been. At least any STRAIGHT man.) I've got to get ready for work in a few minutes (I'm working mid-shifts today and tomorrow, then closings through the weekend). For whatever reason, it's been a pretty lonely, fairly unhappy couple of days for me. And yet I don't want to go to work today. Why is that, I wonder? Actually, I've been feeling that a LOT lately. For the past number of weeks, work has essentially been fine, and yet I keep wanting to call in sick But I won't. Not today, anyway. Maybe I'm feeling the essential "dead-endness" of the job. There's nowhere I want to go in the organization, and where I am doesn't pay enough. More often than not, it's not that UNPLEASANT to be there, but is that enough? I need something majorly GOOD to come my way right about now... (END) Well, it's Valentine's Day. woo-hoo... Am chatting with kevin right now, telling him about how Devin further confused the issues for me on the motorcycle business; He said paying $1800 for what I was going to get at the motorcycle place was too much. That if I go this route, I should buy something from a private owner (Someone not professionally adept at screwing people out of their money). He also said the bike I described was probably TOO small. I'd need something between 450 and 650 cc's (Though not larger, since I don't want to kill myself my first time out of the chute). I should be grateful that I have an "advisor" in this matter, and I am, but there's also a part of me that just wants to stop being CONFUSED, that wants to find a SOLUTION to this problem/"challenge". Devin, who has stated his ambivalence about my getting a motorcycle, also gave me the number of a mechanic a friend of his has worked with, a guy that fixes and resells cars on the cheap. Then later in the evening, after work, as Von saw me eying a motorcycle in the store parking lot, and we talked a little bit about my circumstances, she told me she and AJ got their cars from ads in "The Recycler" for under $1000. What to do? What to do? If money were not an issue, I don't think I'd be giving that much thought to the idea of a motorcycle. Maybe a little, because of the parking thing, but that would be about it. I was thinking about it the other day...All I need is about $10,000 to get myself out from under; I could buy a used car, pay off my credit cards, and pay a couple months rent in advance while I segued into my new life as temp worker/actor. (A fantasy I haven't thought about in awhile crossed my mind again recently; My mother, in one last effort to make amends for screwing up, leaves me some money in her will. I think it would be a nice gesture on her part, but I don't see it happening. What kind of an "estate" is a retired metermaid going to HAVE, anyway?) Just not FEELING good right now. It's becoming harder to push the "bad thoughts" away, for some reason. ("For SOME reason"? I'm TIRED. And very often, when I start feeling chronically tired, I get DEPRESSED, as if my mind is casting about for REASONS to feel like shit.) I'm thinking about sex a lot these days. I thought, and am still thinking, about starting certain entries with an "advisory", something that would tell my more sensitive readers that they should skip the following entry if they don't wish to be offended, or find out more about me than they really care to know. I could just confine "that stuff" to my "book journal", or I could start a new, anonymous journal on Diaryland. But there's something I don't like about the idea of seperate journals; Maybe it's because I'm not two or three seperate GUYS. I'm just ME, and it seems like putting "these thoughts" in THIS journal and "those thoughts" in this OTHER journal would suggest I was embarrassed or uncomfortable with "who I really am". I'm also just too lazy for that level of industry. ANYWAY... What I didn't say about the sex scene in "Monster's Ball" that I WANTED to say is that I found it very EROTIC. It embarrasses me to say that, for some reason. Maybe because the scene isn't "nice". It's not a "love scene". Halle Berry's character is drunk, and Billy Bob's character should probably not "take advantage", but they're both lonely, grieving, unhappy people, and when she says, over and over, that she just wants to "feel good"...well, let's say I RELATE to that need. It's not candles and soft music, but it's REAL, at least to me. Just someone to be with for a time. Just a period of time where you can forget that things aren't going the way you'd planned, that you aren't who you hoped you were going to be at this point. Whatever. Just to feel good, just to make someone ELSE feel good. To be able for a time to not THINK. Well, I'm going to stop "thinking" for now, and try to get a little more sleep. Or else I'm not going to "feel good" when I'm at work later today.
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