10:20 AM - Thurs 4.06.17
Often, I procrastinate when it comes to writing in here, by playing online or watching TV or whatnot.
But today, writing a journal entry is me procrastinating on doing my taxes (Which fascinates me, because - in all likelihood - I'm getting a big refund. But that's just how much I don't like doing my taxes).
(I've often thought that, as a guy who finds it hard to get things done, I just need to always think about something I want to do even less than the thing at hand.)
It's been over a month now with no auditions (I actually had more auditions before this traditional "busy time of year" began).
This seems very not good.
Maybe even borderline "bad".
And I can't even count on Shameless riding to my rescue - I never can, really (I don't have an ongoing contract - legally, I'm just a "day player" they keep bringing back in), but I particularly can't count on this year, with the fate of the Alibi left hanging at the end of last season).
(I assume they're going to resolve that plot-line with Kevin and Vee getting the bar back...but they certainly don't have to. And if don't, and there's no bar, why do you need "Kermit the Barfly"?)
So, continued fiscal and artistic anxiety on that front.
All this anxiety has had one upside, however - In part as an effort to "tip the scale" a little more in my favor as an actor, I went to the dentist on Monday (For the first time in years), and in addition to getting some repair work done, had two "composite veneers" put on my two eye-teeth.
(As I just told my commercial agent - thanking him for helping me "pull the trigger" on this - I've felt some "buyer's remorse" for going with the composite veneers, that have a five-year lifespan, instead of porcelain, that I think last forever, or close to it, unless you get in a bar fight or something. But what I did cost $400, versus a minimum of $2000 for the porcelain...and considering my anxieties about money, and the fact that there's still more work to be done on the bottom row, I made the decision, in part, that wouldn't cause me to have a panic attack in the dentist's office.)
If I were still a paying member of Diaryland, I could post a picture here...but I'm very happy with the result - It might sound weird, but my teeth (at least the top row) look "real" now. And I think I exercised good aesthetic judgment - if I'd done more on the top (Beyond the eyeteeth), I think it would have risked looking "fake".
So I'll be back at the Dentist on the 17th, to get a cleaning, a permanent crown put on, some fillings re-filled, and if time and my stamina permits, to finish the cosmetic work on the bottom row (My visit on Monday took over five hours. And while it wasn't that painful, there was a lot of discomfort involved for an extended period, and a lot of "tensing up" that left me very fatigued afterward).
I'm a little uncomfortable moving forward with the bottom teeth, for one reason - the situation is more complicated on the bottom, with the four teeth in front crowding and overlapping each other, which means that in order to do the veneers, they'll have to remove the overlapping parts. I'm uncomfortable damaging/destroying otherwise healthy teeth for cosmetic purposes (part of the reason I opted for the composite veneers on top, in addition to the money) ...but I think at this point, it's "in for a penny, in for a pound".
I don't know if I can impress upon you what a big deal this was for me...
I've spent a lifetime feeling self-conscious about my appearance, and my teeth in particular.
And beyond not feeling good about my appearance, I've felt a deep reservoir of sadness and self-pity - and downright anger - that no one cared enough about me as a child to fix my fucking teeth...which transitioned to self-hatred and feelings of failure as an adult, when I wanted to address it myself but was "too poor" (When I first inquired about veneers a few years back, I don't remember the dentist mentioning the relatively cheap composite option - All I remember is hearing it would cost upwards of $5000 to fix just the top row).
It's taken most of my life, but I have finally dropped the resentment that "other people had parents who did this for them...!" and done it for myself, so..."Yay me!".
Now I just hope it'll make some difference in terms of the acting shit (Another expense - I'll have to do new headshots when I'm finished with all this).
I think it will - If not directly, which is my hope, then indirectly, in terms of me just feeling better about myself and the way I look.
Was telling a friend online today that Trump has had one interesting effect on me - In the computer age, my morning routine, for decades, had been to start the day cycling through various news websites, to see what I needed to know.
But now, with Donald-Trump-The-Human-Dump in the White House, every check of the morning news automatically prompts anger and/or depression, so I've started to do other things, like read (currently, the Richard Matheson novel What Dreams May Come).
I can't just not look at the news, because I'm too smart to let myself be that ignorant, but at the same time, it just makes sense to not start every single day bummed out by it (Though at the moment, there seem to be some developments to feel good about - Bannon seems to be on the outs, Nunes is off the House committee for the Russian election tampering investigation, and the noose seems like it's tightening for Don-The-Con - Feels early to say "The country is going to make it through this catastrophe", but there is some cause for hope).
(Just got off the phone with Mark and Jane, so this is all gonna be a re-run for them, but what can you do...?)
I'm realizing that I'm searching about in my mind for a "closing" here...but nothing much comes to mind...
I told Mark and Jane that "It took a village" to make fixing my teeth happen, because it really kinda did - talking to them, talking to Hillary and Victoria at work, and most critically, talking to my commercial agent (Who made it seem like a smart business move) - but ultimately, I did it.
And I hope I will reap tangible benefits...but even if I don't, I took action. I'm trying. I'm "fixing things" instead of waiting for someone else to, or being angry that no one did.
So, in all seriousness, "Yay me!".
"Yay me!" a lot.
(One last, fun note - My Dentist's name? Dr. Orajel. I love that kind of "You couldn't make this up" shit!)
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