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4:16 PM - 06.05.17
All I Want Is More Than I Have

All I Want Is More Than I Have

I've been waiting for a call.

I've meandered around my apartment, doing little bits of nothing, not really concentrating on anything in particular, because my mind is fixated on getting some kind of news.

But here's the thing - There's no call coming.

Had a commercial callback on Saturday, the one where I had to tell them I'm "hold" for Shameless during the same time as the commercial shoot (Meaning there's the possibility they would book me, and I'd have to back out).

Day before the callback, late-afternoon, I found out the "tentative" schedule for Shameless is this Friday - so if that holds, there's not a direct conflict (The commercial is shooting sometime the following week), but it means I'll have to shave and dye my hair beforehand.

So "I might not be available, and if I am, I won't look like what you're seeing today", added to the fact that the odds are not in my favor to start with, strongly suggests there's not a chance in Hell I booked this thing.

And that's a bummer, because it's a fun spot, and a national - And having fun while making a potential ton of money is my idea of a good time.

But what can you do?

(Just called my agent - I have time on my hands and was feeling an urge to "do the deed" today, with the shaving and whatnot. He got back to me a few minutes later, and after we shared a laugh over the idea that they'd be so enamored of me and my facial hair that they'd change their entire schedule to accommodate me, he told me to go ahead.)

So the only "call" I'm really expecting right now -
is the email offer on Shameless.

And while I am interested in getting that email, to be sure (To confirm that Friday is indeed the day, and to see if I'm getting any more money this year), it's not the same thing as waiting on pins and needles, hoping I booked a job.


(4:55 pm)

Heading off to Zumba shortly...

Well, the shaving was easier than anticipated (Somehow it's seemed more laborious in the past - Maybe I'm thinking back to days I did it with a razor I'd probably been using for months, instead of an electric trimmer), but dyeing my hair was more difficult - I followed the directions, and if anything thought I overdid the application, but when it was done, I was still pretty gray (Well, white really, but you know what I mean).

(Debating whether to do another go-round, or go with the Grecian Formula from here, or just say "Fuck it! This is what Kermit looks like this year!". But let's just say I'm a little disappointed in "Just For Men" right now.)

No word on Shameless today, it doesn't look like. But as I already said, while I want to know what's what, it's something I know is going to happen, so it's a different deal than waiting for confirmation on an avail - I'm curious, but not going to lose my mind over it.

(9:55 pm)

Lyle, my new agent, called me on the way home from Zumba.

As I've already said, there's no news about Shameless, and he wasn't calling to tell me about an audition or anything - He was just...calling.

I think maybe it occurred to him, as it's occurred to me, that he hasn't gotten me any auditions since I signed with him, so he should connect with me, to let me know he's "still on the case".

He told me it's been crazy slow - which I have heard from other quarters - that he's submitted me for a couple "interesting" movie things, and he confirmed my daily and weekly rates (As I've previously discussed in here).

Beyond the business stuff - I really would like them to offer more money this year (Particularly since the stars got more more money this year), but somehow don't think they're going to (In part because the stars got more money this year) - it will just be nice to be back on set.

It'll be mostly familiar, I suspect, being back - I doubt Kermit's gonna go through a lot of changes this season (Though I still worry a little about an embarrassing Kermit sex scene) - but there'll be new crew people, maybe a new sound stage, certainly new actors coming through, maybe directors I haven't worked with before.

(In other words, I suspect there'll be enough novelty to keep it from seeming too familiar, as appealing as "familiar" can sometimes be.)

And in terms of the first episode, I am very curious how the "Kevin & Vee vs Svetlana" plot-line is gonna be resolved, and in particular, how the Alibi's resident barflies will be effected by it (As I've said before, I imagine the Producers want to keep Izzy/Svetlana around, because she's a popular character - And I personally like working with her, so she's certainly popular with me - so it will be interesting to see if I'm right, and if I am, how the writers go about making it happen. And if I'm not, that'll be interesting too).

It feels increasingly hard to write about the show and my work on it, because, in my mind, it has become "complicated".

What do I mean?

"Complicated" in the sense that, like my day job at Weight Watchers, I like what I do, and it's pleasant work (And in the case of Shameless, it pays quite nicely)...but I want more (Or to be more precise, I want to not do Weight Watchers anymore, and I want to act all the time. I would like to spend the last part of my life - As much as possible, for as long as possible, "doing my thing").

There are financial things I want - improved circumstances, to be sure (travel, entertainment, material things, etc), but mostly just to not be afraid all the time that I'm gonna go under.

I want to feel like things are gonna be okay.

But the thing that's been on the back-burner for a really long time, which is becoming increasingly important to me (As I struggle to shake free of an increasing fear of/obsession with death), is...I don't even know how to say it - A life well-lived? Self-actualization? Making my mark?

Whatever you want to call it, it basically amounts to thinking that "my best life" would center around doing this thing I love to do, that I seem to be good at, that people seem to enjoy.

And it's hard to communicate that "I like what I have...but I want more". "I appreciate my good fortune...but I feel unfulfilled".

There's a lot to be said for the life I have - I'm relatively healthy, I'm clothed, I'm fed, my bills get paid, my work is (mostly) easy & enjoyable, etc. so no one really has to tell me to be "grateful" (Though lately I'm feeling uncomfortable with that word - as an Atheist, it makes me want to say "Grateful to who?").

But I get to want more.


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