11:15 pm - Tues 3.06.2013
When I didn't book Lab Rats on Friday, it was comparatively easy to "slough it off", maybe even see it as a good thing, because I had a commercial callback on Monday (The day I would have been shooting my Lab Rats scene).
And while the commercial would be less entertaining for me as an actor than the Lab Rats role, it would likely be many times more lucrative.
Now here we are, moving toward midnight on Tuesday, with no Lab Rats, no commercial (Not even an "avail"), nothing but rising panic over my worsening financial situation.
Called the union to see if certain outstanding "receivables" might be riding to my rescue (i.e. residuals for NCIS and Shameless).
Sadly, they are not; at best, they are months away.
And I don't have any idea if the bank commercial is even running yet, let alone how much I'll get from it when.
That means, for the immediate future, the only income that is actually incoming, is from Weight Watchers.
That's really and truly not good.
So I have been thinking - about what I might be able to sell, what I might be able to live without, what public assistance I might be eligible for, etc.
Looked at "Industry" jobs on Craigslist earlier; there were a number of listings for "webcam performers" - which I assume means they want people to sing a little song or tell jokes or something - but beyond that, nothing I had the qualifications for.
(Was thinking earlier today that I talk about wanting my residuals - from the tv work or the bank commercial - to "ride to my rescue", as if I am weak, and they are some outside "thing" that's gonna save me from disaster...but I earned that money, so that shit would constitute "riding to my own rescue", and there's nothing wrong with wanting that.)
Not exactly sure what happens next here...
One thing that's been a stressor for me - not as big a one as "the money thing", but a stressor nonetheless - is that I have been over my Weight Watchers "goal weight" for...well, I've actually lost count on how long it's been.
It's taken quite awhile, but I finally started going back to meetings.
It does not feel like a "victory" to be in the position I'm in - as of tonight's weigh-in, a full 16 lbs over my goal weight - but the fact of the matter is, I have finally motivated myself to do something about the situation, instead of just crying about it.
And I have lost weight on three of my last four weigh-ins.
And to quote that casting newsletter article from Dallas Whats-her-face, "You can't build on success you don't acknowledge".
So I acknowledge that going back to meetings is a good thing, whether I'm "feeling it" or not - It's "success-I-can-build-on".
That's a problem of mine, I've come to realize - I dismiss the small things I do that are "steps in the right direction", because they don't feel like I'm doing anything, so I've got nothing to "build on", and thus, nothing happens.
Going back to the acting...right now, it feels like nothing matters but to win, because "winning" means money.
And yeah, it's pretty damned important for me to make money, but it doesn't help matters for me to not acknowledge how well I'm doing - In my last three auditions, I've had a very good experience in the room, a callback, and been "pinned".
Clearly, something is going right when I'm in the casting office, and I have to believe that if I keep that up, and keep thinking about "upping my game" - by preparing better when I have that opportunity, for example - and can keep myself together long enough, something good is going to break my way.
I acknowledge my successes...now I want to build on those successes by losing weight and making money.
0 comments so far