12:46 pm - 10.09.2012
The Will and the Wherewithal

(Editor's Note: The third-party comment section I had here on D-land expired, and the company in question no longer makes/supports it. So I'm back to the Diaryland comments that come with a "Supergold" membership - because while not a lot of people comment in here, I want you to have the chance to do so if/when you so desire.)

Fri 10/05/12 (10:14 p.m.)

Well, I�m pretty sure I know what you all want to hear about...

My rash, right?

It�s subsiding, but it leaves my future a little murky as it goes; I suspect that might have been my first-ever outbreak of Shingles (The reason I �suspect� and do not �know� is that I didn�t go to the doctor to have it checked out). But the rash seemed to come on suddenly, with no ready explanation, and I believe I�ve had smallpox (Why don�t I �know�? Because no one told me that�s what was happening...but in the summer after 4th grade, I lived with relatives of the Pupos in Miami. And while I was there, I developed an itchy rash all over my body, that I was admonished against scratching - And when I did anyway, it seemed to spread to any uninfected spot I touched becoming general scabby grossness - and I don� t recall anyone telling me I had Smallpox, but that�s what it is, right?).

I�ve also been very ache-y, from my lower back on down, and have this odd �nerve pain� that runs from a spot on my right shoulder blade to under my armpit (The same side as my rash). That seems to fit with the info about Shingles I gleaned from the Internet (Though it �presents� in varied enough fashion that you can have it without demonstrating all the symptoms).

On the other hand, I�ve not been in a terrific amount of pain - and that seems to be something everyone talks about with Shingles, how much it really hurts - and the rash was not all that itchy (For a time, it just felt like an �abrasion�, like a �rug burn� or the like. And after that, it really was mostly uncomfortable because of its location).

So I don�t know - Maybe? Maybe not?

I guess there�s not much to do at this point but get to the Doctor if it happens again - If it�s not Shingles, I want to get the shot, and if it is, I want to get advice on how to manage it.

The idea that I have Shingles is pretty depressing (I�ve always perceived Shingles as �Old Person�s Disease� - As I told my friend Nathaniel, �I feel like I�ve aged twenty-five years in one fell swoop�)...but what can you do?

Mon 10/8/12 (11:24 am)

Since June, I have had three commercial auditions.

Three.

The good news is that I got callbacks for all three of them.

The bad news?

There were three of them.

This dovetails nicely - and depressingly - with the interview I recently read with a commercial casting agent, who said the ratio of non-union to union auditions in his office was currently 60/40.

This is the kind of thing that�s very frustrating and very stressful, because it�s hard to see what, if anything, I can do with/about this information.

And that�s the way acting news always seems to go, in the direction of increased competition/diminishing opportunities/less money.

I can work on �acting better� when the ever-diminishing opportunities do come up, but there�s so much that�s �out of my hands� it�s hard not to give over to pessimism and panic.

But I�m not going anywhere if I can at all help it - Where would I go? - so there�s nothing to do but soldier on, and hope I�ve �got enough going on� at any given time to get enough work to at least keep myself afloat, while all the while dreaming of the �bigger, better deals� that may never come..

But I�m not dealing very well with the stress - The stress of constantly worrying about money, the stress of wanting so much more to do as an actor and getting so little (After a decade of living in LA), the stress of feeling things get harder and harder while I feel weaker and weaker - and I�m hard-pressed to figure out what to do (To both �better my situation� and feel better about my situation).

Have had some good tv auditions lately, but haven�t closed the deal on any of them (And again, considering this is a �numbers game� there just haven�t been enough �numbers�; and when I�m not booking, there�s no such thing as �enough numbers�), leading to me struggling with panic on that side of the scale as well.

And my much-vaunted �recurrings�? I�m doing less on Shameless this coming season than the season before (At this point, there�s one or two episodes left to shoot in the season), and it�s starting to look grim for Austin & Ally as well (After getting a number of completely-unsolicited assurances I�d �definitely� be back on the show in the second season).

And underlying all this angst is deeper, darker stuff; it actually struck me that, as frightening as this �career stuff� can be (asking myself what I�m going to do - physically, emotionally - if my �career� has already peaked), it�s a garden party compared to the stuff I�m trying to shove as far down as it�ll go in my already overstuffed psyche - leading a pointless existence, living alone, dying alone, feeling like I have �failed� (To rise above the sad circumstances of my childhood, I guess).

The fear - the terror, if I really let myself feel it - is that no one can help me, and because of my fear and my fatigue, I can�t summon the will or the wherewithal to help myself.

I want to believe that things can get better, that I can get better, that I haven�t run out of time to create a better, more satisfying life than I have, to be more like the �Jim Hoffmaster� I fantasize about being than the disappointing specimen typing this entry.

But honestly?

It�s looking pretty �iffy� right now...

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