2:06 am - Thurs 4/29/04
Whipsawed By Confusion

Mon 4/26/04 (4:57 p.m.)

Had the Playhouse West audition earlier this afternoon.

I didn't get it; they cut me off about three-quarters of the way into my monologue, told me they'd "hang onto" my headshot for some future show, and that was that.

In other words, "Sorry Charlie...".

Naturally, I'm disappointed. Maybe even "disappointed-plus".

And of course, the impulse is to give over to doubt and self-deprecation. And I forgive myself for the impulse (It strikes me that being mad when I beat myself up is basically continuing to beat myself up).

I just finished e-mailing them a "thank-you" for seeing me. Of course, I'm not really feeling that "thank-you" right now, but it seemed like the thing to do.

Anyway, moving on...

JS emailed me back, regarding getting my teeth straightened; he's very much in favor of it. He said it would likely help me across-the-board as an actor, and beyond that, it gives you a boost of self-confidence (And who couldn't use that?).

(By the way--He's in the process of doing it himself.)

Still wondering where the hell the money is gonna come from, but I can do the pre-braces dental work (That's stuff I need to do anyway, braces or not). And hopefully, in the interim, I'll book a big fat national, then be able to do the rest.

But now it's off to work (I asked to come in at 6:00 tonite). See ya later...

Tues 4/27/04 (9:20 a.m.)

For the longest time, I've wondered why everyone in the public eye seems so much more certain about things than I do. It seems people are always making pronouncements about right and wrong, editorializing on what we should or shouldn't do as a country in any given situation, telling everyone else how they should or shouldn't think about any number of topics.

Not only do people know what they think, they know you should think it too.

And while it's not like I don't have opinions, more often than not I feel "whipsawed by confusion", to steal a phrase from E. Jean Carrol.

Someone in my apartment building periodically leaves out their old issues of U.S. News And World Report.

I was reading one of those back issues earlier�in particular, an editorial on how a physician's role in caring for terminal patients shouldn't end when lifesaving remedies are exhausted�and I was quite struck by the final paragraph:

Close listening might reveal that some patients' greatest existential fear is not of dying but of never having lived at all. Encourage them, our professors say, to tell stories. Instead of more futile medications, prescribe writing a journal or assembling a photographic tour of the past. Maybe dying patients will be inspired to compose a memoir�or in some other way to find meaning in their legacy.

Now far as I know, I'm not dying�at least not at the moment--but that paragraph resonated with me nevertheless.

I'm afraid of dying�Is it going to hurt? Am I going to be alone?�and more irrationally, I'm afraid of actually being dead, but I would say that my biggest fear is the fear of "never having really lived at all".

So here I am, keeping a journal, as one effort to "find meaning in my legacy".

And I'd say going online with my journal, as opposed to just writing in blank books that no one would ever see, is an effort to "up the ante" in terms of a "legacy"; I'm trying to find "meaning" in my life, in my story, by inviting you along for the ride.

As I've said in here before, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm probably never going to have a family of my own, which I think is how the majority of people find "meaning" in life. And trying to figure out how to not feel like my life, the life I'm living right now, is essentially a distraction from the fact that nothing all too noteworthy is happening.

I think about my life's "meaning" a lot. To be honest, I try not to, because it only seems to upset me.

Keeping a stupid little online journal isn't really enough. Neither is doing these little skits I want to do (Though if that's not "enough", how much worse is it when no one will let you even do that?).

But it's a pretty sure bet that I'm not gonna figure it out tonite...

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