Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

1:56 PM - FRI 4.23.21

Why Ask Why?

(At Midnight, I watched "my stories" - "Invincible" and "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier" - that drop on Friday. As my day has progressed, I'm thinking that was a tactical blunder, cause it's all been downhill from there. In retrospect, should have used them as "rewards" to get shit done. But anyway...)

Sat 4/24/21 (10:45 am)

Well, not a lot happened yesterday - As you can see, I didn't even get this entry going - but I did read a bit (Which is on my list of "Things To Do On A Daily Basis"), change some passwords which had become problematic (A little more of a pain-in-the-ass than expected - had to call one place to help me - but a good thing to have gotten done), and at the end of the evening, did a Cameo that was in the hopper.

So not much...but something.

A short time ago, I did a VO audition that's due Monday - Still trying to "crack the code" on voiceovers. It's going to be a great fucking day when I actually book something off one of these things - and I'm doing this (Which doesn't really "do anything for me" but feels better than endlessly watching TikTok and YouTube videos).

So today I'm going to try and do a little more. Pursue some of my more active hobbies. Maybe get outside at some point, go for a walk, or a bike ride (Ventured out with my bike recently for the first time in a very long while). Drink more water (Have fallen back into drinking Coke Zero like it's water...which, turns out, it's not). better.

But I'm struggling.

The end of Shameless is hitting me on two levels - 1) The anxiety of not having a regular gig (i.e. having no regular money coming in), and 2) The "Who Am I If I'm Not On TV?" self-esteem factor (Which, to my surprise, is something I didn't consider that much as the show reached an end but is hitting me harder than the financial thing at the moment).

And the end of Shameless spotlights my struggle with self-tape/voiceover auditions (The first problem is not getting enough of them. The second problem is getting them but not managing to "seal the deal"). Which, again, is hitting me on two levels - 1) To get anywhere, I've got to crack this nut because there's no other game in town, and 2) I'm an actor who now is stressed out and anxious whether auditions are happening or not, which is no good personally or professionally.

And I'm struggling with my weight/food - I'm currently down (From 272 lbs-and-change early in the year to 254 lbs as of Thursday) but am stalled out and struggling. I'm counting calories, which I think is fine, but then starting my "eating day" at midnight and going to town, which means by the time I get up in the morning, I've eaten the majority of my calories for the day. Then I'm "white-knuckling it" till midnight...when the cycle begins all over again.

These seem like the three "big problems" I'm having right now.

But I don't think they're really "problems" so much as they are "symptoms" - I'm stressed/depressed/anxious/whatever-the-fuck and this is how it's coming out.

(Which reminds me - My PCP gave me a referral for a psychiatric consult about depression meds. And I called it in a while ago now. Two weeks maybe? But nothing has happened. It's past time I call them to ask "WTF?"...)

I want to avoid something I've done all my life, which is to go on and on about "Why" I don't feel good (In part because - let's be honest - from a lifetime of thinking about it, I know that shit already) and get to the "What the fuck do I do about it?" part).

And beyond talking to a shrink about depression/anxiety drugs, the thing I can do for myself right now is to work on - I'm embarrassed to say it because it seems like such a "buzzword" right now - "self-care".

Eating more healthily, doing things that genuinely give me pleasure/make me feel "engaged", getting more exercise, etc.

And that seems as good a note as any to finish on.

Till next time...



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!