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8:32 am - Tues 4/5/05 Mon 4/4/05 (1:26 p.m.) When I booked the 1-800-The-Law-2 commercial, I hoped I'd have a period of time where I could "relax" for a bit, a mental respite from the "Not nearly enough is happening" feeling that's been nagging at me. No such luck. Any booking is good, of course, but that wasn't the one I really wanted (Napster or Miller Genuine Draft would have been better). It wasn't enough like acting to be satisfying, it didn't pay enough, and it doesn't really "do" anything for me. It was a meaningless blip on the radar screen. I need something to happen that really feels good. Something where I have a good time. Something�Like Time Warner�that's sort of like acting. Something that pays enough to make a real difference, and doesn't just provide a temporary stopgap between me and the gutter. I need a "cushion", so I can get out of Borders and stay out of Borders, while developing other, freelance sources of income (Temp agencies, extra agencies, commercials, prostitution, loansharking, etc). My desire to fly and my fear of upsetting the apple cart battled recently. "Desire to fly" got its ass kicked... Someone actually responded to an electronic submission I made on LA Casting, for a part in a movie called Theresa The Genius. They emailed, wanting to see another picture, which I sent them, then asked what my schedule was like for this coming Saturday and Sunday. And I told the truth�I work both days, from 4:00-11:30 p.m. That may sound just straightforward and honest on my part, but it was actually destructive and self-sabotaging: I knew what they wanted to hear�"I'm totally free both days"-but I didn't say that. I didn't even say "I work both days, but I can work something out". Just told them, essentially, that I worked both days, take it or leave it. So they left it. Once again, for the slow kids--the right answer to the question "When are you available?" is "Whenever you want me". I have an audition later today (4/5) for T-Mobile. On a couple occasions, I've told people I'd like to get a T-Mobile spot--They're fun (I like the current "auctioneer family" one), they get a lot of play, and I like Catherine Zeta Jones...cause she's really sexy. (Though I've heard, regarding Ms. Jones, that they often just "splice her in" at the end of the spots--If you don't see her actually interact with the other actors at the end, that's probably the case--so there's the possibility I could be in a commercial with her without actually meeting her. I also saw a T-Mobile commercial last night that she wasn't in at all.) I think it's pretty cool that, at least in this one small instance, I can actually look at something on tv, say "I'd like to do that", and be auditioning for it the following week. (All I know at this point is that I'm "Thug #2". And I guess neither one of us is too smart, but I'm a little smarter than "Thug #1".) I know I'm supposed to, but I never balance my checkbook (To be honest,I don't really know how). Since I've gotten direct deposit, most of the time I don't even look at my paystub; I know I'm not going to be happy with what I see, there's not much I can do about it, and I'm already living pretty close to the bone, so why bother? But for some reason, I did look at my last paystub, and sure enough, I was not happy with what I saw--It was just a shade under $400, meaning I'm clearing less than $800 a month (Which has been the case since December). To give you some sense of what that means in terms of my finances--My rent alone is $576 and change. Other money is coming in dribs and drabs--A Jack-In-The-Box check for $367, my $480 tax refund, my 1-800-The-Law-2 check (After JS's cut and taxes, maybe $275)--but I can't shake the depressing notion that not only am I not getting ahead out here, I'm actually losing ground. In a way, this is my own damn fault--I "put it out there" (That I wanted out of Borders this year), so the Universe promptly hands me an asshole boss, who cuts me down to 32 hours a week, and has no desire in the slightest to accomodate my schedule as an actor. So okay, Universe--You've provided more than enough motivation for me to leave Borders. So now how about providing the means?
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