5:21 pm - Sun 6.13.2010
Got Worries?

(Warning: This may be a long one...)

Keep feeling like a lot is "getting by me" here.

(And why wouldn't it feel that way, when I'm down to writing, at best, once or twice a week?)

Anyway...

(Doing this to musical accompaniment, btw. Currently playing: The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack)

Where to start...?

I knew this was coming - hoped it was coming, anyway - but didn't know exactly when; I have once again qualified for health insurance through SAG!

(I'd have to check to be sure, but I'd estimate I've gone at least a year-and-a-half, possibly longer, without insurance.)

Without a doubt, it's a good thing to have health insurance - I have a couple physical "issues" that really ought to have been addressed before now - so I was very excited when I saw the sign-up materials in my mailbox earlier this week.

But being me, "excitement" quickly morphed into "anxiety" - "I've earned enough to qualify for insurance", I thought to myself, "...but am I going to earn enough to be able to afford it?"

(The premiums are going to be about $1200 for the year, and the various deductibles are probably at least that much, if I avail myself of my benefits to the extent I want/need to.)

While I hope the second half of the year will be good, career-wise (More on that later), there are, of course, no guarantees.

And that being the case, I fear addressing long-standing health issues now will come at the expense of paying rent/bills down-the-road (Though you could make a perhaps more reasonable argument that "addressing long-standing health issues now", when I have insurance, will be cheaper than waiting till things possibly get worse and/or when I no longer have insurance, or less "robust" insurance than I have through SAG).

Along with that anxiety, there are somewhat more amorphous worries, having to do with the fear of potential medical procedures (On my right shoulder, nose/throat, and bowels), and the time said potential "medical procedures" might put me out-of-commission (In terms of auditions/bookings).

But what am I gonna do? Not take care of these things? I have insurance for a year, starting next month; there's no guarantee I'll have it the year after that - or the year after that - so I really need to address these things "while the addressing's good".

(The shoulder is, clearly, not life-threatening, and the "bowel issues", at least at this point, are more uncomfortable/annoying than anything. But ignoring the business with my nose and throat - I need corrective procedures to address my sleep apnea - is, in the long term, potentially "life-threatening" stuff; people with untreated sleep apnea are more prone to heart attacks and strokes, not to mention many times more likely to have fatigue-related car accidents.)

I kind of hate this; I so did not want to become the old fart going on about his various and sundry medical problems, boring people to death...but I guess it's somewhat inevitable, huh?

(Bit of social commentary: When I saw that I had qualified for health insurance, I was excited. Then - as I've mentioned - I felt some anxiety. And after that, oddly enough, I felt a little angry; you shouldn't have to earn the right to see a Doctor when there's something wrong with you. But that said, and anxieties aside, I'm glad - as Jane said when she heard the news - that I have now been deemed "worthy of health care".)

Anyway, moving on...

(Now Playing: Jesus Christ Superstar)

Leaving for Michigan on Tuesday.

Like the health insurance issue, you might think this would be a happy occasion.

And it is; Lansing, after all, is where I spent most of my adulthood till now.

And it's where "My People" are.

And it'll be great to see all of them again (Or at least as many as I can fit into a week's time: from people following me here in Diaryland and on Facebook, I've got more friends and well-wishers in Lansing now than when I actually lived in Lansing).

And while I'm not yet where I want to be as an actor, it's still cool to be rolling back into Lansing as a (relative) success (i.e. I came out here to be a professional actor, and I have, on a number of occasions now, professionally acted).

But...

I'm anxious about...well, about pretty much everything - What to pack, getting to the airport (For a 6:15 am departure!), dealing with being out of my "controlled environment" (Particularly regarding weight/eating "issues"), getting around Lansing (Last time I was there, borrowing one of Mark and Jane's cars, I actually got lost more than once), dealing with more "social-ness" in a week's time than I typically experience in months (And worrying that Jane - who's planned an "open house" during my time there - might have overestimated my "drawing power").

Just to give you an idea of how extensively I've worried - I haven't even left yet, and I'm already worried about finding a parking spot on the right side of the street when I get back on the 22nd.

I have worries I can't even address in here, because 1) I'm too embarrassed, and 2)I don't know who's reading this crap.

(Now Playing: Fame)

If you've read this journal before, you already know I have some "issues" with anxiety and depression and what-not.

But that said, I'm still embarrassed to really lay out just how much I'm dogged by worry and fear, even during what should be the happiest of times.

I can't seem to totally control this kind of thinking (At least I haven't been able to for the past 49 years).

But I think I have gotten a little better at "talking myself off the ledge".

(Allow me to demonstrate...)

I have had health insurance before. And I liked it better than not having insurance.

End of story.

And I have gone back to Michigan before, had a great time, and lived to tell the tale.

End of story.

Anything beyond that is just me wanting to slip into "default mode" - I'm more "comfortable" being anxious and afraid than happy and excited, no matter what's going on - so I just have to remind myself that's all that's going on.

(Now Playing: Hair)

Well, I'm not "out of juice" yet...but I imagine you probably are.

And besides, I just checked, and it looks like the latest episode of Breaking Bad is up online, and after last week's jaw-dropping final moments, I can't wait to see what happens next.

Till next time...

previous - next