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7:44 pm - Mon 12.28.2009
The Ghost Of Xmases Past

The Ghost Of Xmases Past

I've tried to write a number of times over the past week or so, without much success.

So I think I'm going to dispense with "trying"...and just write whatever hits me.

My last audition was True Jackson two weeks ago, and I am way past ready for things to start up again - I could use the distraction, to say the least (With nothing but WW meetings going on, I officially have "too much time on my hands", and I'm seriously bored).

And of course, I can always use the money.

It'd be nice if the year got off to a quick start. In fact, I kind of need it to (Or else I need my commercials to start running, like, tomorrow); I have rent money for January, but without an influx of "acting money" from somewhere after that, things could get grim in a hurry.

(But to take a cue from Scarlett O'Hara "I'll think about that tomorrow".)

Thinking about what I want from this coming year, career-wise.

And like every year, it boils down to "more" - I want more/better auditions, more bookings, better roles (I'd really like this to be the year I book my first guest-star parts), and of course, I want more of that sweet, sweet, "acting money".

It seems reasonable to hope 2010 will be a repeat of 2007 - where I made more money than ever before - and in fact, I'm hoping it'll surpass it (You never know what'll happen, but going into the year with 2 national commercials "in the can" is not a bad start).

(The worrying part of my brain just reminded me they can actually run those commercials any way they want to - they don't have to run them as "nationals", necessarily - but we're gonna "hope for the best" on this one.)

Anyway, I want more - More quantity and more quality (and more money) - and again, while there are no guarantees (Just because this year was good - at least in the second half - doesn't mean 2010's going to be better), there's reason to be at least "cautiously optimistic".


It may be premature to declare - I still have to get through New Year's Eve, after all - but at this point, it seems like I'm going to get through the 2009 "holiday season" relatively unscathed.

Seeing as I don't have any acting stuff to write about, I've tried to write, a couple times, about the holidays.

I have found it very difficult.

If you've been reading my journal for awhile, you know I always find the holidays something of a "challenge", for various and sundry reasons.

Every year, I write how "The Business" comes to a stop, so there are no auditions (And auditions function as both "job" and "hobby" for me), how my "stories" go into re-runs (or else are preempted by crappy holiday specials), and how I feel more poor and more alone than at any other time of the year.

And all that's true - I wrestled with that stuff this year, just like I do, to a greater or lesser extent, every year - but I don't know that it gets at what really makes me feel sad over the holidays.

I'm 48 years old, but I miss being a kid at Xmas time.

And it seems like a lifetime ago now, but I miss being in a relationship over the holidays.

I miss being excited about Xmas - Excited about what presents I'll get, sure (Particularly as a kid), but also excited about giving. And just excited and happy about the season in general (I think 15 years in retail did a number on "being excited about the season in general").

One of the most depressing thoughts I've ever had was when I was feeling sad because I didn't have money for presents for my friends, then I thought "Jim, even if you did have money, you'd have absolutely no idea what to buy for them".

Maybe I'm making too much of a "thing" of it, but it bothers me that, beyond not having money (Pretty much all my close friends have more money than I do), I have no idea what gift would be "perfect" for Mark or Jane or Cary or Kay or Kevin, or...anyone. It makes me feel like, at some level, I don't "know" them.

And that's the thing that makes me sad over the Xmas holidays - the realization that I'm not intimate with anyone, not on that level. Nobody's going to get me what I want, and I'm not going to get anyone what they want, not because we don't have the means (Though there is that), but cause we don't really know each other.

I liked being part of a couple over the holidays, not just for the gift giving-and-getting, but for the celebrating.

Parties are nice with a partner, by and large - If things are going well and you're not fighting or something, it's the best of all possible worlds; If it's a nice party, you're meeting cool new people or having fun with old friends, while if it sucks...then you've got each other for company.

It's gotten late (How does this always take so long?)...

I run the risk, writing this, of making myself sound pathetic (or worse, ungrateful) - I got cards this year, I got gifts, and I had a very nice, welcoming place to go on Xmas day (Thank you Cary and Kay!).

Thanks to my friends, I consistently "get" more Xmas than I "give" - I don't deserve it, they just do it because they're good people.

(More on the "getting" and "giving" in my next entry, because it is getting late and I have an early WW meeting tomorrow.)

I'm not ungrateful, and I do appreciate what I have. I really do.

But I miss when Xmas meant more to me.


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