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11:09 p.m. - SUN 5/20/01 Since I started at Borders, I've been writing a lot in my "book journal" ( On my meal break, I'll read while I'm eating, then write in my journal afterwards ). Reading over that journal--First the entries I've written since being here, then going back over the year before I left Lansing--I was struck by the differences between the guy in that journal and the guy represented by "Diaryland". The guy in the book journal is a little...rougher. A little more colorful in his language, a little more expressive of his sexuality, a little less polite, a little less embarrassed by his athlete's foot and jock itch. He's both more bland and more exciting than the guy in "Diaryland". I sort of want "Diaryland Guy" to be MORE like "Book Journal Guy". I don't know if that level of self-disclosure would be POSSIBLE for me in a public forum, OR something that my "fan base" is exactly clamoring for, but it continues to be something that is at issue for me in here. It's not exactly that I'm dying to talk about my rashes in here, or that I think anyone NEEDS a blow-by-blow account of my sad and pathetic, autosexual sex life ( Here's an embarrassing revelation--The last time I had actual SEX? Around Christmas of '94 ). I think it's more about not wanting to feel DISHONEST in here; If the point of "Diaryland" isn't to be honest about myself, then what IS the point? I keep coming back to this issue, so it must be something that's important to me. ( I really want to write more than this, but I've got to get up early tomorrow...) I'm out of time, but I want to throw out a couple things quickly, in no particular order. 1) I changed the cat's litter today, but haven't taken the old litter out to the dumpster, so the whole apartment smells like cat piss ( That would be an example of a mundane, but slightly embarrassing, revelation ). 2) I'm in love with a woman back in Lansing. I think about her all the time, and hope against hope that somehow, some way, she'll end up with me eventually. I don't really know if we'd actually WORK in a long-term relationship. I just know that when I've been with her, anytime I've been with her, I feel excited, and happy, and horny, and ALIVE ( If you know who she is, that's fine. If not, that's fine too ). 3) I suspect people think I'm smarter and better read than I actually am. But just because you work in a bookstore, that doesn't mean you READ all the time ( That said, I do seem to be on a pretty good reading jag right now. Currently, I'm reading "Neuromancer" by William Gibson ).
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