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8:49 p.m. - MON 5/21/01 *Friday 5/18* When I talked to Jane yesterday, I think I talked about this--When I started here ( At Borders ), I wanted to take personal responsibility for people waiting in line a long time, or for the phones ringing off the hook. I got hugely stressed about not being able to give people good help, about not being able to find the book I was looking for most of the time in the pretty-much-constant disorder ( Store inventory was Sunday, so it's back to looking like a bomb dropped in here. But truth to tell, it ALWAYS looks like shit, at least in time I've been here ). But you know what? It's...not...my...problem. I'm not in charge of staffing levels or organization or anything else here. I can't make up for what this place lacks, except to be kind and courteous, and as helpful as I can be given the circumstances. I'm not going to stress over being understaffed and busy. There's nothing I can do about that. For me, it's going to be one customer at a time. My job is to come in, do what I need to do, and collect my check. Beyond all that, there's a bigger issue that's occured to me--At Schuler Books, my self-esteen became definitely LINKED to the store. I was PROUD of where I worked. I knew we did a good job. But I don't think my self-esteem is going to be "linked" to this place. And I actually think it's APPROPRIATE that it not be. I'm not here in L.A. to be a "bookseller", for one thing. And for another, I think if I'm going to base my self-esteem on ANYTHING, it should be what I have CONTROL over--Things like my writing, my acting, managing my life. Borders is not the end. Borders is just the means. *Monday 5/21* I don't think I like Padric ( The General Manager ). This morning I got in a little before eight. I was putting my stuff away, and he says, "You can punch in early if you like, then check in the papers and straighten the remainder tables". The part of that that bugged me wasn't that he told me to do stuff--He's the MANAGER, after all!--but the "You can punch in early" part. It wasn't like I had any big PLANS for that five minutes, but the fact that he obviously begrudged me five minutes to take a piss or get a drink of water or something really ANNOYED me, and I think speaks volumes to the type of manager he is. It feels like he's always on the lookout for you to be slacking off or fucking up. I just don't feel at ease around him. I sense he's not a very WARM person. But I don't think my liking or not liking Padric is going to be that much of an issue. I'm not looking to be FRIENDS with him. I can stay on his good side when he's here, and enjoy the more relaxed atmosphere when he's not ( And I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong about him. I don't think I am, though ). ( I wrote those two entries while at work. ) On the way home from work, I was thinking about my "I don't think I like Padric" entry, and it occured to me that I feel FINE about most of the people at the bookstore. I actively LIKE many of them. Charlie, Richard, A.J., Kristin, Frieda, Jeanea ( Unfortunately, Jeanea is leaving this week ). I don't imagine I'm going to have any problems with them; I get a particular kick out of A.J. ( The only staffer that actively annoys me is Mark. He complains a lot, doesn't seem too bright, and is the kind of person that doesn't realize you have absolutely no interest in what he has to say ). And I like John O'Neil, the Human Services manager. I wondered initially what was "the real John" and what was John "handling" people. But I do think he's a genuinely friendly person, that he genuinely LIKES people, and I think the thing that's most appealing about him is that he's been a PERSON around me. He asks how you are and actually seems interested ( It impressed the hell out of me that he remembered my "Camelot" audition after being away for a week ), and he's not afraid to admit when he's not feeling "into it" and having an off day. A little of that goes a long way with a coworker--I don't like being around people who are more negative than I am--but it makes a manager seem a little more HUMAN. So I can deal. I don't have to be buds with Padric. I just have to do the job ( And I think they're getting good stuff from me ). I feel like the coworkers I interact with most often are starting to get to know and like me, and right now, that's all I'm looking for out of this place ( That and a PAYCHECK, of course! ). I want everyone to think my work is good, and to have a basically good feeling about me. Anything beyond that is gravy. ***************************************************** Running out of time this evening ( It's moving towards 11 pm. I have to be at work tomorrow at 8 am ). I work tomorrow 8-5, then I have Wednesday off. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I really just want the day off; I don't want to do the smog check/dmv/drivers license stuff, I don't want to do an extra job, I don't want to go work in an office somewhere for Appleone. I just want the day to MYSELF. But I'll call Central tomorrow anyway. And if nothing comes out of that, I'll probably spend part of Wednesday being "smog checked" ( Then I just have to take the results back to Triple-A, and I'm set. I still have to get my California license, but that doesn't feel like an emergency ). Well, I'm starting to bore myself, so this feels like my cue to exit...
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