|
|
8:31 a.m. - MON 4/02/01 I dreamed I was in a show, a period piece, and I couldn't find my costume. It wasn't on the rack with all the other costumes ( Why I'd waited till just before I was supposed to go on to start getting into costume, I don't know ). In my underwear, I ran over to this group of people who seemed to just be hanging out back stage, in street clothes, and loudly asked them, "Where's the COSTUMER?". They "shushed" me, then either got the costumer, or told me where she was. I don't remember. The costumer was Marilyn S. She told me my costume was hanging on the door, so I ran over to the door--"Why wasn't my costume with all the OTHERS?", I thought--and was trying to get myself together and remember my first lines, when I woke up. It's not too hard to see where THAT dream was coming from...! Actually, as that sort of dream goes, that wasn't too bad; I seemed to know where I was and what I was doing, at least to a certain extent ( I was struggling to remember my first lines at the end, but that's different than never knowing the lines in the first place ), and unlike some of these dreams I've had, where I don't know anyone, don't know the show, and don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I was able to find help, get what I needed, and was getting myself together as I woke up. I'm feeling a little embarrassed about last night's entry for some reason. I don't know why--It ended, I thought, on a pretty positive note--but there it is. I said to Erin recently that if I DIDN'T struggle with "the work thing" I probably wouldn't BE here--I'd be somewhere WORKING, having a more "normal" life--but in being here, I have to kick the "work thing" UP a notch or two, in order to get to do something that DOESN'T feel like "work" to me. Is that "ironic"? Or is it a "paradox"? I don't know... But speaking of work, I just told Kevin--I'm messaging with him right now--that I need to hop in the shower, then start making some phone calls. I want to have done some things before Wednesday, so if the Borders thing doesn't go the way I want it to, I won't feel like my momentum has come to a crashing halt. Wish me luck.
11:26:35 - 2001-01-22 So here I am. NOW what? I'm feeling like there's a lot to do today, but there really isn't; I've got a couple loads of laundry going at this moment, then after I finish that, I have to get ready for lunch with Mark and Jane ( At 12:30 today ), then when I get back from lunch, I have to look over "Oliver", then go get some groceries. All very do-able before rehearsal this evening. No need to feel pressed. ************************************************************ How do I SAY this...? In previous entries, I've communicated my desire to live my life more honestly, more completely. I think I said at one point something to the effect of "I feel like I'm going through my life at half-strength", which I didn't think was a good thing. Jane commented on that awhile back. Basically, she said that living my life at "full strength" would mean sometimes feeling really BAD at full strength ( I don't think she was suggesting that I NOT try to make more of my life. I just took it as a warning to not expect this little journey of mine to feel GOOD all the time ). I'm thinking about that a lot these days, because I am wrestling with more major league doubt and fear than I can ever recall feeling before. At least as an adult. I thought I just fell into this life I've had for the past ten years, but now I'm seeing that it's the life I created, designed to protect myself from failure and rejection ( You can't fail if you don't try. You can't be rejected if you don't put yourself out there ). And just the THOUGHT of actually going away, actually trying to do this thing I've given lip-service to wanting all my life, terrifies me. What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't have the guts to stick it out? I'm going to be lonely. I'm going to be scared. I'm going to feel lost ( And I'm sure, from time to time, I'm going to BE lost; One thing I'm really scared of out there is the driving, and figuring out how to get from one place to another ). But I'm also going to feel excited. There are also going to be fun new experiences, interesting new people and places. And in terms of being here, and being afraid to NOT be here anymore, there really isn't that much to lose. Not really. I won't have Monday lunches with Mark and Jane, but I expect to communicate with them often. It'll be different, but I'll still have them as friends ( I think the same thing will be true with Kevin ). Anyone else who chooses to keep in touch with me will be a bonus, but having been the veteran of a number of moves in the past, I expect that most people will drop away. It's just human nature--Out of sight, out of mind. I'm afraid of the loss of comfort, of security. But you know what? The small amount of comfort and security I've created for myself by not "shooting for the stars" hasn't satisfied me. I spend most of my time here lonely and bored and unfulfilled. Of course, there's every chance I'll go to LA and be lonely and bored and unfulfilled, whether I end up making it as an actor or not. But I have to think that it's better that I try, that I KNOW. And I think that if I can just scale this wall of panic and fear, I'm going to find life a lot more satisfying, struggles and all. I have to believe that trying to do the thing that feels right beats settling for something that merely feels safe. I think doing this is not just about my being an actor. I think it's about my being ME. And whatever other people think, whatever doubts and fears I may have, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it was the right thing to do. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't really believe it was possible. It's possible ( In time, I hope to work my way up to "It's inevitable", but for now, I'll settle for "It's possible" ).
0 comments so far 
|