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10:08 am - TUE 4/16/02 Yeah, I know from previous conversations we've had that we both have that "Whatever I'm supposed to do, I'm drawn to do something else"-- response to chores. And there really isn't any magical spell I can think of to correct that. I guess you just have to marshall the will to do it, and hope over time it'll become a habit. And then just wait for that "future increased Pleasantness" to start rolling in (Lately, my "immediate gratification" hasn't been that immediately gratifying ANYWAY!). As actual "work", checking "Backstage" and sending headshots out is not terribly taxing. The problem comes, I think, from the stress and feelings of CONFLICT that come up when I do it. It's a problem beyond "delaying gratification"; I actually struggle not to feel overtly BAD when I do it. Most everything I send a headshot out for is a non-paying thing, so first off, I struggle with the feeling that the effort is COSTING me, with no financial return anywhere in sight. I know that's just the way it is--I have to do things, to be seen, and to get the credits on a resume-- but it tends to dampen my motivation (I just did the math--Envelopes and postage for sending out 20 headshots costs me $18.60. That's not factoring in the pictures and resumes themselves). When I send things out, it's to people I don't know, for projects I don't know, and likely wouldn't have wanted to be involved with if they had come up back in Lansing (My current show is a pretty shining example). And I know, again, that that's just the way it is, but it's pretty tough. I'm feeling the conflict of wanting to use my critical decision-making faculties to decide what to do, or at least what I WANT to do, but on one hand, I don't have the INFORMATION to do so, and on the other hand, I'm not in the POSITION, career-wise, of doing so. There are other concerns--The vehicle issue has come back to the forefront of things, because a lot of what I see in "Backstage" is beyond bicycle range (Have I mentioned that I spent $70 on my bike about a week ago, and the rear tire is out-of-whack again?)--but I'm sure you're following me. In short, I get stressed when I set down to do this thing I need to do. It doesn't give me the good feeling you'd expect to get when getting something accomplished. So I guess I have to find ways to MAKE it feel good, or at least not feel BAD. I have to find the latent "Positive Guy" inside, and tell myself that things will work out, that eventually good opportunities will come my way, PAYING opportunities, and if and when conflicts arrive, I'll find a way to work them out. I still wrestle with wanting to figure things out beforehand, but if I try to do that, I'm going to spend the rest of my LIFE doing that, and nothing ELSE. I'm really glad the show ended up going better than you thought it would (They usually DO, don't they?). I wasn't really envious of your rehearsal process, which didn't sound like that much fun, but I did find myself wishing I was onstage with you guys, and enjoying the various social opportunities afterwards. I did put a flyer up at work regarding my show, with a handwritten note saying "See me for tickets". Beyond that, I don't really have a big urge to buttonhole people to attend this thing. If it were FREE--and the only comps I get are two "industry" comps-- then MAYBE, but I'm tremendously uncomfortable with the idea of people paying $15 for the privilige of seeing me in a 20-minute-long. mediocre one-act play (And lately, I've become uncertain whether I'm much better than "mediocre" in this show myself!). Jane, I don't know if that "setpoint of happiness" thing is true or not. But I hope it isn't, and it makes me uncomfortable when you bring it up, because I feel like you're "giving up on me", in effect saying, "Oh, he's just an unhappy guy". It feels somehow DISMISSIVE (But who knows? Maybe I can make that my latest "Challenge from Jane"---"Oh, you think I'm just an unhappy guy, do you? Well I'll show YOU..."). I was struck by a pretty huge conflict in my thinking yesterday. I want to change the way I view happiness, or the possibility of being happy, to "it's the trip, and not the destination, that counts", but I know I'm still deep into thinking that I'll be happy WHEN this or that thing happens (WHEN I find "true love", WHEN I'm a steadily working actor, etc). I know that's wrong, but I'm having a really hard time shaking the notion that I simply CAN'T be happy in my present circumstances. But yesterday, as I was contemplating my fear of death, the conflict there struck me--The reason that happiness HAS to be "the trip, and not the destination" is that the ultimate "destination" is death. So if you're thinking "I'm going to be happy WHEN..." and that thing isn't HAPPENING, it's pretty natural that death then becomes "the enemy". I know I struggle to not think of death as the clock running out before I've "won the game" somehow. On the other hand, if you're having your fun along the way, then death seems more like your turn on the ferris wheel is over, and it was fun, but it's time to go home (I'm actually not all that BIG on ferris wheels, but couldn't think of a better analogy just now). Of course, if you come from MY background, "going home" could be referring to the fiery furnaces of HELL, but that's another issue, beyond the scope of this e-mail... I guess, going back to doing things, we both have to continue to work on "Feeling the fear and doing it anyway". My sense of the two of us is that we're both deathly afraid of falling SHORT in some way. If you feel like the only way you're really going to be loved or noticed, or whatever it is, is to "give a perfect performance", that's a pretty huge amount of pressure placed on any performance situation. I think you really said it when you said, in so many words, "We have to get used to being imperfect people in an imperfect world". Cause you know WHAT? I have this crazy idea that we aren't the ONLY ones! Well, I have to go. It's off to the bike place--AGAIN. Have a great day, Jane.
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