10:29 am - Tues 5/4/04
Jury Duty

I'm coming to you from the jury assembly room of L.A. Superior Court (The Stanley Mosk building, maybe a mile or two from my house).

I brought a book, magazines, and my book journal, to deal with what could be a long day of "jury service" (I wonder why they don't call it "duty"?), but just had to feed my online addiction (Though we had a little glitch when the payment kiosk didn't print up a receipt).

Anyway, I'm on borrowed time here--I paid for an hour, but could be called to a courtroom at any time--so I guess I should "cut to the chase" here.

Gail made a good point in my comment section recently; I'm familiar with the idea that you tend to draw towards you the things you think about.

That's why, for one example, I've tried to quit making jokes about dying on the toilet (An odd obsession of mine), or of imagining my sad and pathetic future as a lonely old guy in a single furnished room, with only a boston bull terrier for companionship.

But I have a long history of self-deprecation, of imagining the worst, and it's going to be a tough habit to break.

I was thinking yesterday about my depression and negative thoughts also being just a "habit", a way I've gotten used to thinking, of "moving in the world", if you will.

I think some negative feelings are physical--I'm tired, run-down, feeling physically stressed, and what have you--but then I give them more "emotional weight" than they deserve (e.g. Too often, when I'm really tired, I get depressed, and feel the need to find a "reason" for my depression, when I'm really just tired, and there's nothing else to it).

(Another call for jurors. This is the third one since we started at 7:30)

(And I'm called. See ya later)

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