8:49 am - 06.03.2013
More "Batman" Than Batman

Mon 5/27/13 (12:32 pm)

A serious flaw in my character is that I�m very passive, waiting for life to happen, waiting for someone to provide an �opportunity�, waiting for something or someone to come along and make life �meaningful�.
(Now this is normally the portion of the program where I would �go down the rabbit hole� and get all �introspective� about just why that�s the case. But really, I already have a pretty good sense why that�s the case � has to do, in large part, with a childhood where bad things just happened to me and made me think I had no �agency� over my own life. And the fact that I'm just really fucking tired all the time - so I�m going to just skip that part.)

This passivity is particularly vexing when it comes to my writing in here�I keep wanting to �write better�, to be more honest and authentic. I�m frustrated that I�ve been keeping a journal since 1980, and still struggle to say what I want/need to say

(That said, I will say this � Reading my journals from years ago, I clearly have improved leaps and bounds in terms of how write, even if I feel like what I write has not kept pace).

I was thinking about Facebook recently (I often think about Facebook, since � rightly or wrongly � it�s become one of my primary sources of social interaction)�
People frequently post on Facebook that they�re considering getting off Facebook, which is interesting, because 1) I consider it often myself, and 2) I think if they really wanted to get off Facebook, they�d just delete their account and be done with it and not make a big announcement about it; what they�re really looking for is for someone to care.

And the truth is?

People mostly don't care (Or as a T-shirt I saw on the subject recently said, "1000 'friends' and I can't get a ride to the airport").

A couple days ago, I drv'ed a marathon of the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo trilogy off Sundance.

(To be more accurate, I watched the last half-or-so of the first movie, then recorded the next two.)

The third movie, The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest, which I hadn't seen before, suffers from sidelining "Lizbeth Salander" for the bulk of the movie - Clearly, Larson didn't know he'd created a character for the ages there (With a huge assist from Noomi Rapace), and not much else of interest.

After watching the last two movies, I thought about what I liked so much about the character.

The fantasy wish-fulfillment for me with the character is that she's so strong; she might be "damaged" by her traumatic childhood, and distrustful of people, but she's smart and strong and capable, and she will not be stopped.

She's basically Batman...in a 4'11", 88 lb female package.

Which, in a way, makes her more "Batman" than Batman, if you know what I mean.

Tried to get myself up a little earlier today than I have been getting up on my mornings off...

Going to the Aero theater in Santa Monica this evening, to see a sneak preview of the new Much Ado About Nothing movie, directed by Joss Whedon.

As of this writing, the plan is to get myself to Howard's place by 5:30, then Nathaniel is picking us up, and driving us to the theater from there.

I invited Janet, seeing it as both a cheap "second date", and a chance for her to "meet the guys" (It's also a chance for me to check out the Aero, the other American Cinemateque theater - I've only ever gone to the Egyptian in Hollywood).

The plan seems to be shaping up to meet her there at 6:30, an hour before the movie, and go from there.

That sounds pretty good to me - enough time for everyone to meet, not enough time (hopefully) for the conversation to lag or for things to get awkward - but I'm also second-guessing myself a little (Going back to my getting flack for planning our first meeting around my WW work schedule), wondering if I should have just "sucked it up" and gotten myself to and from Santa Monica, and made things more like an actual "date", instead of whatever-this-is.

(Just got off the phone with Janet, to apprise her of tonight's agenda.)

I think it's probably okay, the way I'm doing things - I already kind of floated the notion that this might not be a real "date" - but by the same token, if/when this "moves forward", I'm clearly going to have to stop planning things around work and incidental trips to Santa Monica, and make actual "dates" with her.

Feeling a wave of anxiety hit me right now, which I guess is understandable - I'm moving out of my "comfort zone" here - but I wish I could put myself in a head-space where I'm just "excited about the possibilities" instead of "worrying about screwing up" (Or whatever-it-is I'm feeling anxous about here).

That did strike me recently, when I was struggling with feeling "down", even though the first meeting with Janet had gone well, and I was getting some decent commercial auditions - I may just struggle with "uncertainty" in general, whether that uncertainty means "worrying about bad things that may happen", or "worrying that good things might not come to pass"...which I guess means "worrying that everything's going to turn to shit".

I really hope that's not the case - I don't want to believe I'm losing my ability to be excited and hopeful about things. I don't want to be perennially afraid just because I don't know what's going to happen next.

But what's going to happen next right now is "I'm going to clean myself up", write my rent check, and go to the grocery store...

previous - next