9:05 am - Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004
And If Ye Have Faith, The Way Shall Become Clear

Have had a hard time keeping up with my journals these days. Don't know why...

But anyway...

Finally saw Kill Bill II on Wednesday.

I liked the first one quite a bit, but I think I liked this one more.

There was actually someone at work who preferred the first one because of the non-stop action--A younger person, not surprisingly--but I'm a fan of Tarantino's dialogue, and I like that magic he works with actors we thought we'd seen the last of, or that we've never seen in quite this context (I'm thinking of David Carradine here).

But the film's highlight was definitely the fight in the trailer with "Elle Driver". Brutally violent...and kinda funny at the same time.

(I may go see it again. But not next week--I'm going to see 13 Going On 30, because I'm a big Jennifer Garner fan. I've been happy to read that she rocks in the movie.)

Even though I don't have the money for it, on Wednesday I went to the dentist, to see how much money it would take to have my teeth straightened.

And it would take a lot, it turns out--$5300, from start to finish (I have a "cross-bite", with "crowding", and would need some work--a "deep cleaning", a root canal, a crown, and maybe a filling--before things could proceed, not to mention a retainer afterwards).

I give myself points for not bursting into tears in the office.

Hadn't realized what I was letting myself in for by doing this. I knew I wasn't going to be happy--cause I knew they weren't going to be giving the braces away--but I hadn't counted on the feelings that would come to the surface; Unhappiness about my appearance, anger about my past (This is physical proof that no one cared about me as a kid), frustration with my status in life (I should be at a point where I can just fucking do this), excitement (That being a better-looking guy is just $5300 away), etc and so forth.

I don't have the money to do this.

But I think I should do this.

I think I should do this, and I want to do this.

I want to do this because nobody did it for me.

I want to do this because I think it'll make me more "viable" as a commercial actor (I never see anyone smile in commercials with teeth like mine. And people smile in commercials a lot!).

I want to do this because I want to believe that things can get better for me, that I can have the things I want, that I can take care of myself now.

I want to do this to test the idea that if you proceed "as if" things can happen, the way will become clear for them to happen. I've spent my life assuming things can't happen, because "I don't have the money" or what-have-you, and that hasn't really worked out that well for me.

So with all that in mind, I was about ready to start, to make the call saying "let's do this", when first Jane hit me ("Maybe you should check around more..."), then Daniel C. at work ("You should ask your agent if he thinks it's keeping you from booking more work...").

And I became...uncertain.

But if I go and get a second opinion, and they give me a bigger figure than the one I've been quoted, what then? Do I go to yet another dentist? And would I necessarily want to get work done at "Discount Dentistry" ("We'll do any precedure for just $129.99!")?

I will ask JS for his opinion, because being more "commercially viable" is a big part of my motivation here. And I'd be very surprised if he told me not to do it, because it's hard to imagine straight teeth being anything but an asset in commercials.

But as of this writing, I'm planning on doing it, and assuming the way to pay for it will become clear.

"Assuming the way will become clear" is a big part of this other thing I'm going to do as well...

On Monday, I have an audition for Playhouse West, for their theatre in Northern California (Outside San Francisco).

They're doing three shows--Force of Nature, Art, and What The Night Is For--all of which have characters in my age range. It's an Equity theatre, but the ad on Backstage.com said they were looking for Equity and non-Equity actors (My concern is that, were I to get it, they'd want to basically pay me a stipend, like when I did a show at the Boarshead back in Lansing).

I'd love to get it, but I don't know how much it would pay, don't exactly know what kind of time commitment we're talking about, don't know how it would work with Borders (I think you can actually take an "unpaid leave"), and don't know how I'd handle my apartment here in L.A. (I have a feeling I'd better do everything I can to hang onto this place).

But better to audition and worry about that stuff later, than not audition, and never know "What might have been".

Anyway, that's going to be on Monday afternoon.

That makes up somewhat for the fact that I haven't had a commercial audition since the 13th.

At first, I thought it was just a "slow time", but now I realize we've gotten to the point where he can't send me out, because we're talking about things that would have callbacks or shoot dates during the time I've got jury duty (The first week of next month).

Checked the employee handbook, and Borders gives you 20 days of jury duty (I was actually kind of hoping for less, because that would make it less likely I'd have to serve).

I hope I don't get picked, or "called", or whatever they call it. I'd sort of be okay with doing it, but I'm already feeling "antsy" (From not going out on commercial things), and I want to get back to auditions and callbacks (And bookings!) ASAP.

And speaking of things I "want to get back to", I'm going back to bed...

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