1:05 pm - Thurs 3/31/05
The Best Thing That Could Happen

Thurs 3/31/05 (9:31 a.m.)

Well, right when I would have liked at least a short break from the recent tension at work, I had an audition Tuesday for AM/PM at 3:45, at a casting agency in Hollywood (I was scheduled for work at 4:00).

There was another lengthy conversation with David in his office�apparently the talk of the store while it was going on�which was just as pointless as the last lengthy conversation. He's not going to give me the flexibility I want/need/have had up till now, and I'm not going to stop going on auditions to accomodate him and my $8.38 an hour job.

Patricia Cripps, the regional manager, hadn't talked to him yet at that point (Regarding our conversation), and frankly, I doubt it's a big priority. And even if/when she does, I don't know that it'll mean much�I realized after we talked that I hadn't really pinned her down on anything (An unhappy realization on my part�For a fairly smart guy, I'm easily "handled" by anyone with that particular skill-set).

And really, I'm coming around to the point of view that this is the best thing that could happen to me.

By "the best thing that could happen to me", I mean that, while I'd like to believe I can take a risk without having to have my feet put to the fire, that's really never been the case. I'm more of a "my feet have to be on fire before I'll take a risk" kind-of-guy.

Because I am, most of the time, filled-to-overflowing with fear. I'm reacting as strongely as I am to this situation for a couple reasons, but Reason #1 is fear, fear that if I lose this job, I'll end up broke and homeless and dead (Or, barring that "Doomsday Scenario", that my life will, at best, become more difficult and unpleasant and stressfull. And I don't think I'm up to the challenge of being more "challenged" out here than I already am).

But I'm a long way from being fired. And even if/when that day comes, I'll be able to deal. I've dealt with everything that's happened in my life up till now�the fact that I'm not currently dead proves that�and there's no reason to assume I'm in any danger of losing that ability anytime soon (And once again, as the attendance policy stands, I'm still more likely to leave under my own head of steam than I am to get fired).

Basically, I've once again stayed in a place too long because I was afraid to move. And it's an understandable impulse, so I'm not going to berate myself for it, but it's way past time to really set my priorities here. To create the life I actually want to be living, instead of simply trying to stave off uncertainty and fear.

(For the record? Between auditions, callbacks, and the one booking, I had 13 "acting outings" this month. Two of those outings were potential "work conflicts", but ended up working out�The 1-800-The-Law-2 shoot was over by noon on Saturday, and I went to Tuesday's A.M./P.M. audition an hour early, getting done and to work with 15 minutes to spare. So at this point, it's not like my head's on the chopping block, or anything close to it.)

It could take as long as three months before I hear back from the Secretary of State, with either my "commission packet", or a letter requesting "additional information". But before the year's out�and hopefully a lot sooner than that�I'll be in the "Mobile Notary" business.

I think I was heading in this direction anyway, but after the recent conversations with my asshole GM, I've decided that after Borders, I'm going to be strictly a "freelance agent". It's a scary notion, and I don't really like feeling scared, but I'll get over that; the most important thing is that I start setting my life up so I can do what I need to do, when I need to do it, without some little non-entity telling me I'm going to get a spanking.

Last Thursday, I was walking home from Subway, a couple blocks from my house, when I saw a commotion a ways down the block, on the other side of the street.

I couldn't tell what had happened at first, but then I saw a young Hispanic guy in a white "hoodie" running down the street�He'd just snatched a Korean woman's purse.

When I got out my cell phone to call the police, the guy saw me, and said "Do it, Bitch, and I'll come over there and pop you in the eye!".

I have to confess, that gave me a moment's pause�Though as threats go, it didn't really have the tough "street" sound of "Do it, Bitch, and I'll bust a cap in yo ass!"�but I figured he wasn't really going to take time out of his busy purse-snatching schedule to come over and fight with me, and sure enough, he sped up again and ran towards Wilshire.

So I called 911...once...twice...three times...and couldn't get through. And by that time, the guy was out of sight, so I gave up, and went home (I would have gone over to see if the woman who'd gotten her purse stolen was all right, but a crowd of Korean people had already gathered around her, so I figured she didn't need additional assistance from me).

Add that incident to the fact that our dvd thief made a return visit to the store recently, and the Westchester store was held up at gunpoint last week by a guy who conned his way into their backroom with a fake badge, and I'm reminded of my first days here in L.A., when I was very much "Small Town Midwestern Guy In The Big Scary City".

I don't want to suggest or imply that I live in terror out here, dodging a hail of gunfire each time I leave the house. But this mini-crime wave has reminded me that I am in a big city, and sometimes, it is kind of...scary.

I'm not going to see any money out of it�I doubt they'll even spring for a free copy of the book�but still, I like the idea. And it seems to give some creedence to the idea that I could do something�a video or commercial or what-have-you�that would have a "ripple effect" somewhere down the line.

Well, I could go on�I've been thinking a lot about Teri Schiavo, who died earlier today. But anyone who's read along in here could probably guess my feelings about that situation�except that I hardly left the house yesterday, and I'm feeling like I need to make some entertaining use of at least some of my weekend.

So I'm off to the movies.

See ya later...

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